Poll: Is grinding with another person of the opposite sex considered cheating?

[Vegosiux]

What you need to do is:
A) forgive your girlfriend, because she didn't know and
B) sit down with her and talk about a set of ground rules that will make both of you feel happy and safe in the relationship. Find out what is and is not acceptable from her. Share you own thoughts and find a compromise that makes you both happy.

I think it's important to note

C) Whatever you do, never fall into thinking you need to preserve the relationship at any cost. That's going to backfire so badly you won't know what hit you >.>

 

[Qizx]

What you need to do is:
A) forgive your girlfriend, because she didn't know and
B) sit down with her and talk about a set of ground rules that will make both of you feel happy and safe in the relationship. Find out what is and is not acceptable from her. Share you own thoughts and find a compromise that makes you both happy.

I think it's important to note

C) Whatever you do, never fall into thinking you need to preserve the relationship at any cost. That's going to backfire so badly you won't know what hit you >.>

This. I did sit down and we talked about it for about 2 hours and I explained in great detail why I felt like it was a betrayal, what I found wrong, and how I wanted it to be handled. She really does seem sorry that she hurt me, however she still wants to go out dancing with friends, and doesn't seem to get that it does bother me due to the fact that, as she states guys always try to grind on her when she's out (sadly, as I've said, I travel a lot for work and can't always be there).

 

[KOMega]

I wouldn't say it's cheating, but technically nothing is cheating outside of making out or sleeping with an other person.

This is so wrong.

Everything that betrays the trust your partner put into you is cheating. It doesn't even have to be sexual. But trust is what holds a relationship together, if you squander that, it's over, and you only have yourself to blame.

I suppose.

But I would still say that this weird dance isn't enough to break a relationship, at least not completely.

Some discussion with the girl is in order.
Things that hurt people's trusts are somewhat subjective.
There are things that are very obvious like sleeping with another person.
Then there are other things like buying a gift for someone.

Many of us agree that this is somewhat sexual and somewhat untrustworthy, but to different degrees.
You just have to make sure the girlfriend understands how much this affects you, else she won't think it's a big deal at all. Assuming she doesn't think it's a big deal already.

If she doesn't comply then you may have some problems.

 

[N3squ1ck]

Firstly: In which club is this "normal dancing" oO

Then: I agree with the most stated opinion here: definitively sexual, but not cheating, or yes? I would have a huge problem with actions like that, and I suppose I would stop dating that person if she would deem such a thing "normal behaviour" and then tries to defend it, especially like in OPs case, where it seems like it would be an essential part of clubbing, then I'm sorry, but no. Either there is some sort of "thing" with each other (which implies that we both only have the other one for all kinds of sexual things, after my definition), or we have the other kind of thing, where we just happen to fuck each other from time to time, but else than that live our seperate lifes (which includes having sex with- or "grinding" other people)

EDIT: I wouldn't date a person who goes to that kind of clubs and thinks this is normal to begin with, but that's just me. I may be weird there.

 

[Reeve]

I think you should be more relaxed about it. After all, isn't your love for each other the most important part of the relationship? It strikes me as a little jealous and possessive to complain about dancing.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

This. I did sit down and we talked about it for about 2 hours and I explained in great detail why I felt like it was a betrayal, what I found wrong, and how I wanted it to be handled. She really does seem sorry that she hurt me, however she still wants to go out dancing with friends, and doesn't seem to get that it does bother me due to the fact that, as she states guys always try to grind on her when she's out (sadly, as I've said, I travel a lot for work and can't always be there).

You're going to either have to learn to trust her, or find a girlfriend you think you can trust. Attempting to control or limit someone's activities because you have trust issues around physicality is not a road you want to go down.

As for the question in the OP...no, it's not cheating. It's naturally sexual and falls under the envelope of "flirting". Particularly aggressive flirting, in this case. Some people are just flirty. Hell, I can be a SHAMELESS flirt, but I don't do it in front of my girlfriend, and I'd never cheat on her.

Some realities about relationships...

1. People are going to want to sleep with your S/O. Some of those people won't even care that they're in a relationship.
2. Your S/O is going to want to sleep with other people.
3. What matters isn't the WANT, or the attraction they may feel. It's what they DO. That's the line that differentiates cheating from not cheating.

There's intent to take it further in cheating. Be it a tumble between the sheets, or a tearful confession of love. A threshold gets crossed. It's possible that you're a territorial guy who feels the line should be set further back. Some people get uncomfortable if they catch their S/O even LOOKING at a member of the opposite sex. Obviously that's unhealthy, and should probably be worked through, but people are wired the way they're wired.

In all honesty, I'm not really sure your girlfriend did anything wrong here, aside from argue poorly when confronted. You guys clearly hadn't established boundaries, she wasn't insensitive/didn't do it in front of your face, seemed honest and up front about everything when asked, and seems genuinely remorseful when she discovered your feelings were hurt. Believe me when I say you can do a lot worse. You can push her to never go dancing again unless monitored, or try some other method of limiting her exposure to horny guys, but I wouldn't recommend it. Not if "staying together" is in your long term plans.

 

[Legion]

I wonder how many people claiming that it's okay would feel the same if it was their partner doing it. Or even if the OP's girlfriend would be okay if he did it with another girl.

This seems like one of those situations where everybody says they'd do one thing as it makes them sound better (in this case more laid back and open minded) but wouldn't actually behave that way in reality.

Personally while I wouldn't call it "cheating" I'd definitely say it was wrong, I don't see how it is any different from if he groped her boobs or ass. The fact it's being done to music doesn't magically make it better. Or to put it another way, I question why she wasn't bothered about another guy rubbing his body against hers when she is already in a relationship. Looking and touching are very different things.

 

[Stordarth]

I think the thing to remember here is intent. She's dancing. She's grinding. Grinding is a crude and unsightly dance move, but still just that. It's just this decade's dirty dancing. She's not going out on the pull and snogging dudes or dumping you so she can shag one of your mates (Trust me, those are much worse). I think you should put this relatively innoccuous act in perspective next to the aforementioned *intentional* forms of betrayal and contemplate this.

Because what she's *not* doing (I'd hope) is planning anything beyond that dance move. If grinding leads to making out or something more, then intent exists for more than mere dancing, and you have a problem on your hands.

Not to be unsympathetic, but I feel that perhaps the original poster might be a little too sensetive over something that in the grand scheme of things is trivial. If you want to see for yourself what it's like, ask her to grind with you. Stick some music on, dance with her, and experience it for yourself. You'll either confirm your original stance, or come to see it as not a big deal, and you can both progress from there. If she's seen you try and understand her side, and you still want her to stop, the fact that you've attempted to compromise means she should hopefully be more willing to acquiesce to your request.

 

[Sectan]

Grinding - Basically dry humping. While it's not "Cheating" it's the same as hanging all over someone else letting them slobber all over you when you're in a relationship. Shit's not cool. And seriously if she's getting chain gridings going on...Jeez she must go to some weird clubs. I've never seen someone forcefully get grinded. You can usually end it by standing up. Literally standing straight up.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I wonder how many people claiming that it's okay would feel the same if it was their partner doing it. Or even if the OP's girlfriend would be okay if he did it with another girl.

I guess that would depend on how much they trusted their partner, yeah?

Personally while I wouldn't call it "cheating" I'd definitely say it was wrong, I don't see how it is any different from if he groped her boobs or ass. The fact it's being done to music doesn't magically make it better.

Better? Depends. Contextually different? Definitely. If I'm dancing and I put my hands on a woman's hips, it's no big deal. If I'm in the queue at a grocery store, and I put my hands on a woman's hips, things are abruptly significantly more awkward.

Let's not pretend that context doesn't matter.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

This surprised you? I take it you've never been to a club...

I thought people on here would be less tightly wound. If you can't handle your significant other being a bit flirtatious with other people you probably need to chill out and re-evaluate the whole situation. Learn to trust them a bit more, perhaps?

Flirting with people is fun. It might not be entirely innocent fun, but if it doesn't go anywhere and nobody intends it to go anywhere then who the hell cares?

Jeez she must go to some weird clubs. I've never seen someone forcefully get grinded. You can usually end it by standing up. Literally standing straight up.

This whole post is confusing. What the fuck kind of club do you tend to sit down in?

 

[MetalMagpie]

I thought the most widely accepted definition of "cheating" is having sex with someone who isn't your partner.

That said, there are a lot of types of behaviour which are generally disrespectful when in a relationship but don't come under the definition of "cheating". Acting in a sexual or overly flirtatious manner towards another person (of either gender) is disrespectful unless you know your partner is comfortable with you doing it. But as people see different types of behaviour in different ways, it can be easy to step over the line without realising it.

One of the most important and difficult things to manage in a relationship is being honest about your own feelings whilst being sensitive to the other person's feelings.

 

[Fox12]

As someone who thinks that 'cheating' is a weird, possessive concept that ill-fits the realities of our tendencies and capacity as a species, I think it has every possibility of being completely fine. In all reality, the reason why cheating is so harmful is not the sexual content, but the fact of someone you love being dishonest or distrustful. That, in any context, is not acceptable for someone who is supposed to be your main subject of affection... but it's only through a strange and primitive continuation of the "Only I get mating rights" vestige of instinct that this applies to sexuality whole cloth.

My SO of over a decade and I went through this ourselves, actually. The first couple of years were rife with anxieties about the realities of the sexual mind versus what we viewed as necessary for a healthy relationship. After a long time talking about it, however, we realized that all of the rules we were using were assumptions that society piled on us- not rules we had come up with on our own. When we actually sat down and figured it out, we realized that the sex thing didn't bother either of us. It could be bothersome if one of us was engaging in dangerous, unsafe sex, but that's about safety, and comes from the same direction that "be careful and drive safe" does. It could be hurtful if one of us started spending all of our time with someone else, but that was more about attention and affection and giving each other what we needed than it was about sexual possessiveness.

In the end, we figured out the rules that worked with our relationship. Would they work for yours? Maybe, maybe not. But I do know that we only figured it out after having an honest discussion that threw out what everybody ELSE thought in favor of what worked for us. Do that.

I wouldn't call cheating a weird concept, though it is possesive on both sides. I see it as a sort of breach of contract, if you will. Both people in a relationship work together to set clear boundaries they are comfoertable, and if one person breaks those boundaries, causing harm to the other individual, then that is cheating. The boundaries may change depending on who you are, and some people are fine with thing others aren't, but I think those boundaries still exist in some capacity for everyone. If they don't, I would debate whether or not your in a relationship at all, or whether or not you're simply friends with benefits.

 

[Aramis Night]

Dump her and find a girl who isn't looking to work as a stripper within the next 5 years. If the 2 of you agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and she then extends sexual intimacy to other people, she clearly doesn't know how to be in a relationship and she is too immature to bother with. Move on. The fact that she tried to normalize it as a justification is your justification to leave her. The "everyone else is doing it" defense is BS. She isn't everyone else. She is someone in a relationship with you. But clearly she wants to act like everyone else. Cut her loose so she can be just like every other pathetic loss at those clubs who are so desperate for sex, they have to grind on strangers because no one who knows them wants anything to do with them sexually.

 

[Zeldias]

It isn't cheating. It's fucked up, but it's not cheating. Nothing was inserted into anything, there was no kissing, blah blah. It's obviously sexual, though. Because if it isn't, wouldn't that mean it's fine to just grope asses and dicks and stuff as you please? It's dancing, yes, but it's also sexual; there isn't really a case for mutual exclusion there.

I guess the question here is what makes cheating cheating for you? For me, it's a question of intimacies; are you emotionally intimate with this person in a way that is romantic (lovey-dovey shit)? Are you physically intimate (not just sex, but cuddling, kissing, allowing spanking or other groping)? Shaking ass at a club to have fun is shaking ass at a club to have fun; you might not like the image, but that's her enjoying herself, and non-reliant on another person. Guys come up to dance with her, but she's attractive (presumably) and she's in a club, which is where you go to dance with and pick up people, and that's how folks dance with each other these days. To the folks judging her for how she dances, do y'all even go out to dance? I mean to a club, and not just like salsa dancing (which strikes me as a lot more sexual with the leg-wrapping-around-the-waist stuff and all).

Whether OP breaks up or not isn't for me to give input on, but her "feeling bad for how it made you feel" is a perfect non-apology. I used to use all the time when I didn't feel bad at all for my actions but felt bad that my partner was troubled over it. She's saying there's no problem with her reaction, but it sucks that it bothered you. My advice would be to have a talk about it, because it sounds like y'all have some different perspectives on the shit and if her way of fun and blowing off steam feels like cheating to you, it's worth knowing where her line is vs. where your line is.

Personally, I wouldn't dump a woman that I was dating if she did that, but I also would NEVER EVER want to hear about it unless there was some problem or something. I don't think it's cheating, and I would dance with women like that, so it'd be hypocritical of me; but I would make sure my S/O wouldn't hear about it, because sometimes, you just have to be prudent about the info you're sharing. It sounds nice to say that couples should share everything, but rare is it that you know a person with whom you can share everything and anything, especially when you get into the tangled mire of love and jealousy. Is she good to you? Does she help you when you're down and do you like spending time with her? Do you trust her most of the time (I wouldn't ask 100% trust of anyone, but like, 80 or so is a good point)? Can y'all resolve arguments in a reasonable fashion without lingering resentment? That's the shit that's important. If she likes to shake her ass at a club to have fun, is that a big enough deal for you to walk away from all the good?

If she's a keeper, she's a keeper. No one's perfect; the question is just what flaws (perceived or otherwise) can you live with, and which you can't.

 

[Qizx]

This surprised you? I take it you've never been to a club...

I thought people on here would be less tightly wound. If you can't handle your significant other being a bit flirtatious with other people you probably need to chill out and re-evaluate the whole situation. Learn to trust them a bit more, perhaps?

Flirting with people is fun. It might not be entirely innocent fun, but if it doesn't go anywhere and nobody intends it to go anywhere then who the hell cares?

Jeez she must go to some weird clubs. I've never seen someone forcefully get grinded. You can usually end it by standing up. Literally standing straight up.

This whole post is confusing. What the fuck kind of club do you tend to sit down in?

I have been to clubs, and I HAVE seen a hell of a lot of grinding, but what flabbergasted me was that even people in relationships were doing this. "A bit flirtatious" is one thing, rubbing your ass on someones dong is different. I don't mind a bit of harmless flirting, although I'd obviously prefer it NOT happening, I think it goes a bit beyond that. Here's the thing though, the guy DOES intend for it to go somewhere, she might not, but he is almost certainly going to the the physically stronger one, so if he's a total prick...

As for the quote, he meant just standing straight up as opposed to somewhat squatting with your butt out a bit, which is how most people grind.

 

[DaWaffledude]

Okay, I couldn't have been the only person who thought this was about video games, right?

 

[Adeptus Aspartem]

It doesnt matter if its cheating or not, or to be more precise: Cheating is what each individual decides for him/herself.

So let her know you don't want her to do that. Then it's up to her to respect your concern or ignore it.

For me, it's sexual. And as long as i've not defined my relationship with that person that way, i'm not ok with my girlfriend doing that with others.
Also if i look at the poll most peole think it's something sexual, but some think it's not cheating.

Ok what is then? Kissing? Handjob? Oralsex? I mean they're definitly sexual but it doesn't mean it's cheating.

Edit:

This surprised you? I take it you've never been to a club...

I thought people on here would be less tightly wound. If you can't handle your significant other being a bit flirtatious with other people you probably need to chill out and re-evaluate the whole situation. Learn to trust them a bit more, perhaps?

Flirting with people is fun. It might not be entirely innocent fun, but if it doesn't go anywhere and nobody intends it to go anywhere then who the hell cares?

Dryfucking is not flirting. Havin' a raunchy conversation is, but touching definitly crosses the line unless you're relationship is that open to begin with.
Also if your significant other is constantly flirtatious with others, you'd probably should re-evalue the situation too. Clearly that person is missing something, which she doesn't get in a relationship.

 

[FootloosePhoenix]

-reads title- What?! How could grinding be considered cheating? What if your partner doesn't play the same MMO? Are you just supposed to play it on your own all the time?

This isn't terribly related to what the OP is actually asking, but it sounded like your girlfriend didn't want you to find out about her little dancing spree. If you're doing something you don't want your partner to find out about, chances are good you shouldn't be doing it to begin with. Unless your name is Walter White and you're just trying to provide for your family.

 

[Qizx]

Okay, I couldn't have been the only person who thought this was about video games, right?

Haha, no you're not the only one, but hey, I don't know a better way to word it!