Poll: Is it rude to tell people "please don't talk to me"?

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Add one more to the crowd saying "Wow, there's much more considerate ways to say that".

Saying that to someone is incredibly rude. As for what you should say, I'm going to respond to this bit first...

But why should i have to lie? Most of the responses are telling me to say I'm busy or to put headphones on. Which is not true. I'm not busy , i just don't want to speak to strangers.

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

Zeconte's response is good, but there's a bit I'd like to add on top of it.

People like having outs. Convenient things that whether or not true, they can grasp onto to get out of a potentially uncomfortable situation without being rude.

For example, I tend to give people outs if I'm asking them to hang out, help me out with something, or anything they might have a reason not to want to do. Something like "Hey, I know your parents are in town, but if you're not busy on Friday want to hang out?". Maybe they just want a day to themselves, maybe they don't feel like hanging out with me that day, maybe they're actually busy with their parents, whatever the case they can just grasp onto my excuse if they don't want to tell me it and I wouldn't really care whether or not it's true.

There's generally no socially acceptable way of saying "It's not that I dislike you, but I don't really want to hang out with you today", so you either have to suck it up (which I wouldn't want them to do) or go with an excuse that isn't entirely true.

It's kind of the same deal with people striking up conversations with you on the train. The friends that I have that get bombarded by unwanted stranger conversations tend to wear headphones or read when they're on the train. For one, it communicates to people that you're already occupied with something (a cue which a lot of people will still miss). As well, it gives you a polite excuse to leave a conversation you don't want to be a part of. Saying something like "I'm sorry, but this book is just getting good and I want to see how things turns out", and most people will either get the cue and leave you to it, or take the convenient excuse without feeling like they're the problem.

As a general rule you should be polite and tolerate what unwanted conversation you can, but if you can't you should at least do so in a way that doesn't make the other person feel bad.

The way that you go about it is abrasive and basically says "I can't be bothered to be considerate to you". I'm not sure whether or not you care, but if for no other reason you should be polite because you'll invite far more conflict to yourself by acting like a dick than if you act considerate.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

I find nodding and smiling works a lot, or bringing a book/phone and staying glued to that.

How does that work for you? I find it typically works, but both me and several of my friends have had people be relentless with their attempts to converse despite trying this.

The worst I've ever had it was when I was actually busy studying and a high school aged girl at the back of the bus kept calling out to someone. I didn't actually realize she was talking to me until she moved several seats up and tapped me on the shoulder. I tried to be polite, but wasn't really trying to keep the conversation going, trying to make it clear that I was busy.

Didn't work. At all.

She was convinced that I was depressed, and kept trying to get me to open up on what was wrong. I was actually totally fine, I was just invested in my work but she would not take that for an answer. Or the obvious cue it was.

It turned out that she and her group of friends were trying to make friends with everyone on the bus, and I became her primary target because I looked sad. She kept dragging the conversation back up, I kept answering her, and wandering back to my work. She kept asking to try on my glasses, which I said no to repeatedly until I finally capitulated and let her.

I got off three stops early to finally escape this.

I'm all for being polite and considerate to strangers on the bus, they generally have good intentions whether or not you're in the mood to talk. But some people just need to learn how to pick up on a cue and back off.

 

[DementedSheep]

Eh well it kinda is even if you didn't mean anything by it. There are better ways you could have put it than "please don't talk to me". You can't always lie and pretend you're busy but even something like "sorry but I'm not really feeling like talking right now" is better. Everyone has days like that and then you aren't implying you have a problem with them specifically. If someone said "please don't talk to me" to me I would probably think I had done something wrong. It may seem silly to dance around phrasing so much with things like this but being rejected socially is a horrible feeling. It's very easy to make a person feel like shit with seemingly small things and a change in phrasing can make all the difference.
Headphones are great for avoiding this situation in the first place.

At least you didn't just abruptly walk off because that would make you rude.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

Yup it's rude. Not saying so for OPs benefit since OP seems to have found a satisfactory explanation but to chime in since others argue it is not

Quite simply there are other ways to avoid conversation that take into consideration the feelings of the other party. What to say really depends on the circumstances and why you don't want to talk. If necessary you could even lie just so they don't take offense

 

[Amir Kondori]

If you don't want to talk there is no law that says you must. If you simply tell someone "I'm not in the mood to talk right now", that is perfectly acceptable. Be pleasant when you tell them, don't make it about them, but you are certainly allowed not to have to talk to anyone you don't want to.

Some people will react poorly to this but that is on them.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

Yes, it's rude. Selfish too.

Why would you have her leave feeling like crap? In my experience, strangers really tend to want to say the one thing to you in passing. You smile, you nod... You give a witty response if you have one to hand. I doubt she wanted to be your friend and take up your time, just make a brief connection with another human being so it doesn't feel like we're all doing our best to ignore each other... Not everyone is into that, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

In all likelihood the rude response saved you zero time. Learn tact.

 

[Jack Action]

Yes, it's rude. Selfish too.

Why would you have her leave feeling like crap? In my experience, strangers really tend to want to say the one thing to you in passing. You smile, you nod... You give a witty response if you have one to hand. I doubt she wanted to be your friend and take up your time, just make a brief connection with another human being so it doesn't feel like we're all doing our best to ignore each other... Not everyone is into that, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

In all likelihood the rude response saved you zero time. Learn tact.

Tact is for the weak. If the worms bother you, dispose of them, don't bother playing nice.

 

[Darth Rosenberg]

I did say please and didn't give any kind of attitude other than neutral i don't really care vibe.

Well, that's alright then! What this world really needs is more 'I don't really care' vibes. Wait... no, it's the exact opposite.

Yes, it's rude. Selfish too.

Why would you have her leave feeling like crap? In my experience, strangers really tend to want to say the one thing to you in passing. You smile, you nod... You give a witty response if you have one to hand. I doubt she wanted to be your friend and take up your time, just make a brief connection with another human being so it doesn't feel like we're all doing our best to ignore each other... Not everyone is into that, and I don't think that's a bad thing.

In all likelihood the rude response saved you zero time. Learn tact.

Very much agreed on the underlined. This world/society would benefit greatly from more connections between absolute strangers. It's remarkable how humanising and connective brief interactions with other human beings are in an average day, and the more, the merrier (quite literally, usually).

 

[spartan231490]

In some very specific circumstances(like you're working at your job or at the library) it's okay, but 90% of the time it is rude. However, being rude never killed anyone.

 

[darkcalling]

Is it rude? probably though it might depend on circumstance and what the person wanted to talk about a the time.

Is it sometimes necessary? yes. oh so very much.

Asking for directions is one thing. I don't mind helping people with that assuming i can give them an answer. Wanna talk about the weather? ignore until they shut up and leave. That takes more than a minute or 2 then "please leave" wanna talk about politics or religion? "Go away."

Please note that I have done all of these. more than once.

But I'm kind of blunt once my fuse burns down.

 

[Illesdan]

I think a bigger question you should ask is why the immediate hatred towards people who have done nothing to you?

I get that, for whatever reason, people are trying to dearly hold onto the concept of 'All humanity sucks and is stupid', but really, this is kinda much. I see it a lot in people 30 and under, and now I'm beginning to believe its nothing more than an emo badge of honor.

Come on, lighten up and talk. Its not going to kill you, and you won't come off looking like an asshat. God knows people could use some manners and common courtesy.

 

[Amaror]

But why should i have to lie? Most of the responses are telling me to say I'm busy or to put headphones on. Which is not true. I'm not busy , i just don't want to speak to strangers.

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

Then just say "I am sorry, but i am just not in the mood to talk right now." There. You didn't lie, you expressed your desire not to talk to the person and you did it in a polite manner, which didn't indicate that you have some sort of personal dislike for the other person.

 

[Phasmal]

I find nodding and smiling works a lot, or bringing a book/phone and staying glued to that.

How does that work for you? I find it typically works, but both me and several of my friends have had people be relentless with their attempts to converse despite trying this.

Most of the time it works, yeah. Though sometimes someone will wave their hand in front of me and remind me that the bus is here. Like- I know. I knew the bus was coming before you did, I was just waiting for the last possible second to stop reading my book.

The worst I've ever had it was when I was actually busy studying and a high school aged girl at the back of the bus kept calling out to someone. I didn't actually realize she was talking to me until she moved several seats up and tapped me on the shoulder. I tried to be polite, but wasn't really trying to keep the conversation going, trying to make it clear that I was busy.

Didn't work. At all.

She was convinced that I was depressed, and kept trying to get me to open up on what was wrong. I was actually totally fine, I was just invested in my work but she would not take that for an answer. Or the obvious cue it was.

It turned out that she and her group of friends were trying to make friends with everyone on the bus, and I became her primary target because I looked sad. She kept dragging the conversation back up, I kept answering her, and wandering back to my work. She kept asking to try on my glasses, which I said no to repeatedly until I finally capitulated and let her.

I got off three stops early to finally escape this.

I'm all for being polite and considerate to strangers on the bus, they generally have good intentions whether or not you're in the mood to talk. But some people just need to learn how to pick up on a cue and back off.

Ugh, yes. There's a lady in my village who sometimes gets the bus at the same time as me and she is constantly trying to get me to join the WI despite my obvious disinterest (and I think she's working up to trying to talk to me about Jesus), and there's another man who wants to ask me how involved I am with village events (completely and utterly not).
In town the worst one I had was this guy who just came up and started chatting to me like it was nothing. It was very confusing. I wondered if he might be trying to hit on me, as I'm usually oblivious when that sort of thing is going on, but no, he started talking about his girlfriend too and then offered me some food out of a paper bag.

Many of these people are good-intentioned, but I'd just rather they kept their good intentions to themselves. As I said before, I'll never understand the urge to talk to some random stranger. I'm a big fan of the good old fashioned Minding Your Own Business.

 

[Auron225]

I'd say yeah. I'd be a little hurt if I tried talking to someone and got "please don't talk to me" in return. The "please" softens it the same way an oven mitt would soften a punch to the face.

I know you're being honest about not wanting to speak to them and trying to be polite about it, but how hard is it to humor them? It's not that hard to respond to any questions or comments they make without encouraging conversation. Unless they're super persistent or have a good reason for talking to you, they'll give up within like 30 seconds.

EDIT: Alright, reading some of the replies here...

Yes, it is true that you are not obligated to respond to people who try and initiate conversation. It is your choice whether or not to do so and they should realise this upon attempting it. You owe them nothing.

However, and believe me on this, it will not help matters in the least for you to try and explain that part in italics to someone who's trying to talk to you. They will think "Holy sh*t, I was just trying to have a conversation".

 

[Flames66]

If someone is literally just trying to make conversation...well again it depends on context. Are you reading a book, or studying, or talking to someone else, or even just doing something on your phone and laptop? Then just say "sorry but I can't talk right now, I'm ___________ (insert activity of what you're doing)". But if you're literally just staring blankly into space? Well, why wouldn't you talk to them? I mean, are you really doing something that much more important, or do you just have that much disdain for a person you've never even met before?

Here's a quick story I wrote a while ago about why I dislike being approached by the staff in shops. I think it also applies to this:

I am browsing in a small supermarket with my shopping list carefully memorised. As I walk down an isle, a look of mild confusion adorning my face as is usually the case when I am concentrating, a young woman in a blue polo shirt approaches me with an overly wide, fixed smile and says "can I help you find anything?" ...... I stand perplexed for a few seconds wondering why she has chosen the moment of my deepest concentration to attempt discourse, eventually realise she is trying to be helpful and mumble out something about how I'm fine thank you and the confabulation is over. I begin to wonder the store, my concentration gone taking my shopping list with it.

A member of staff approaches the dairy produce section to restock the full fat milk. He sees a young man in a brown leather hat leaning against the sliding door of the pizza container, face blank and eyes glazed. The man is lost in thought, but it is the job of shop staff to sell. He fixes his best smile and utters his well rehearsed introduction. The man looks up, confusion, sadness and anger flash across his face in quick succession. "NO" he says tersely. As he heads for the door, his shoulders slumped in dejection, he pauses, turns to the shocked shop floor assistant and adds "but thank you."

I know that this is a nerd/geek website, and thus attracts some people who have unique social quirks and possibly even misanthropic tendencies, but actually giving a chance to people you've never met before might do you some good. If you're just having a really, really shitty day and don't want to talk to anyone, just tell the person "look I'm sorry, I'm just having a really bad day and I'd like to be alone". If they persist then by all means read them the riot act, but actually engaging other human beings is healthy.

I often say I hate people. This is actually not true. I can only think of one person I hold even mild dislike for at the moment. However, I don't like being approached by people I don't know and feel entirely justified in responding rudely to someone who has interrupted me. If they need help I always try to do what I can, but they are disturbing me and must remember who is doing who a favour by engaging.

]I think it would be nicer if you were to simply tell them you're busy, or that you "don't wanna talk to anyone right now." I feel that telling people "don't talk to me" is making it seem like you have a personal problem against that particular person. I know I would probably take it personally, but then again I'm socially awkward and kinda already have a low view of myself.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have a similar problem, I used to be extremely socially awkward and terrified of offending people. Now the problem only happens with people I know because I have realised that I don't care what some rando in the street thinks of me.

 

[Vuxul]

I can agree that its a bad phrasing, however, the sentiment is fine.
Also, why is it we constantly want to circumvent what we really feel, quite a few have mentioned politeness.
Is it really that polite to lie to people to get them to go away?

 

[Flames66]

Yes, it is true that you are not obligated to respond to people who try and initiate conversation. It is your choice whether or not to do so and they should realise this upon attempting it. You owe them nothing.

However, and believe me on this, it will not help matters in the least for you to try and explain that part in italics to someone who's trying to talk to you. They will think "Holy sh*t, I was just trying to have a conversation".

They can think what they like. Unless they are someone I know they mean nothing to me and their opinion of me will have no influence on my actions.

Is it really that polite to lie to people to get them to go away?

No, I don't think it is. But as someone I don't know or care about, I feel no guilt saying anything to make them leave me alone lie or otherwise.

 

[ArcaneGamer]

I have a problem . Well more than one but we'll just focus on the one for now. People like to talk to me . For god knows what reason strangers will start talking to me. Now i don't like strangers, hell i don't like people in general. But up until a little while ago I've humored most of them. But for some time i usually just say "please don't speak to me". Which works exceptionslly well.

That being said,today an elderly lady tried to talk to me about something and i replied with my anti conversation phrase. She then mumbled something about me being rude and went on her way. Mission accomplished.

However it made me wonder. Is it truly rude to ask someone not to speak to you? Or was this lady just being overly sensitive?

I did say please and didn't give any kind of attitude other than neutral i don't really care vibe.

Obviously, enjoying, or having an aversion to spontaneous conversation depends entirely on the subject matter.

That being said, you sound like an anti-social prick. You inability to communicate and easily find common ground with strangers is a character flaw. Your "Hell I don't like most people" approach to life is a character flaw, you coming here and trying to find some sort of fellowship with other socially awkward types, IS A CHARACTER FLAW. You unnecessarily sullied the day of someone who is most likely perfectly pleasant, and in all reality might have brought a bit of cheer to your pitiful existence. Jesus Christ man, did you even take a moment to reflect personally on this? Or was the fact that the lady said you were rude just too much to handle? Did you somehow think that it's your right to go out and about in the world (where other people tend to congregate) and never have to deal with human interaction?

Does this sound harsh? Well guess what, it's about as harsh and unwelcoming as your current attitude to life in general.

The people that you say you "don't like"

...Those people are you...

Well said, sir or madam, well said. I speak to who I can, but, I WILL acknowledge when someone wants to be left alone. I'm a nice guy over all, but will admit to being capable of being a jerk just as anyone else. That said, Erim? I don't mean to sound rude, but...you live on this planet with the rest of us. You need to speak to someone eventually. Do you have friends, Erim? I'm not even trying to be rude, I'm asking a legitimate question. Do you have someone in your life that you can talk to? Someone to bounce ideas off of and get their opinion? It's an important skill to have. Context is important, here. If she's being polite and merely saying a good natured "Hello", or "How are you?", then play along and say "Hello" or "Pretty good" or "Can't complain". How you say it can often be just as important as what you said in the first place. Am I saying your wrong to act that way to most people? Not necessarily, you're entitled to your opinion. You want to avoid most people, or not talk to random strangers then, that's fine by me. Do I think you should give people a chance? Perhaps, yeah.

 

[NiPah]

I'm more interested in why you want to hear a bunch of people tell you you're rude, it's common sense that what you're doing is rude so at this point you're making threads like this for another reason, honestly I can't fathom why. I also find it highly suspect that people are actually randomly talking to you, it's more likely to me you just constructed the situation to pose the question, but hey at least we have three pages of people telling you what you already knew, so there's that.