Poll: Marriage in the 21st century?

[Booradlee]

That said, nineteen might be a bit too young.

I had a conversation about some of this the other day, covering a lot of topics.
my opinion
I don't care how old either person is. I care how responsible they are.

A lot of people think that if you're in love that you should get married.
I think that's too simplistic.

I think that True love is something that lasts
and sometimes you have to make it last.
Marriage is saying you wont leave when life gets hard.
It's promising to stay valuable to your partner.

I could go on, but I will finish with this.

Love to me is when I visit a new place, or experience a new piece of music, science or funny word. Love is living the adventure of life with someone else.

Every song, every sunset, every wonder of the world is wasted if I don't have anyone to share it with.

 

[Soluncreed]

I am a person who doesn't really see the point of marriage. If two people love each other very much, they don't need a wedding to prove it. They just have to love each other very much. No paper can declare that, only they can.

I only plan on marriage for the tax benefits.

 

[Booradlee]

I think that infidelity should be a death penalty crime.

'Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.' -Benjamin Franklin (I'm pretty sure)

You can't expect every marriage to work out. But I do like how much you value your commitments.

A major reason why so many marriages end is because so many people marry without considering the commitment, or responsibility involved in it.

 

[Booradlee]

I'm not pro marriage, but I do think it shows a deeper level of commitment and it just feels like you become a complete family. It's meant to be done for good reasons; for complete, unadulterated love; and shows officially that you want to work together as a team for the rest of your life. So it does seem romantic.

I think the whole white wedding thing is a bit pointless though. It's more expensive than it's worth; I'd rather spend the money on a home! If I ever get married, I want it to be really really simple. I don't need a dress or an expensive ring or a party or a honeymoon (though a short holiday alone together would be nice). It can just be me and him together with close family members.

As a sappy, hopeless romantic. I support, and endorse everything that you have just said

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

In my mind it's just a way of showing your commitment more than saying it. Someone can say that they are committed to a person. Lauren told me that she was so committed that if I went to prison and got anything less than life she would stay with me. We know how that worked out.

Marriage, on the other hand, is an action that demonstrates commitment. You have to go through a long process, which is legally binding.

I guess it's an actions speak louder than words sort of thing.

However, I do not believe marriage is an absolute necessity. I want to get married someday, but buying a house together with somebody is another action demonstrating commitment that is about on the same level. Marriage isn't the one route. Just one that I think is good when done for the right reasons.

I get what you're saying, but honestly... and I really really fucking hate to say this... but do you think that marriage would have kept you guys together? I mean really?

Marriage isn't going to just save a relationship. That's what I was saying before. People seem to see it as a sudden fix when in actuality, if anything at all, it just makes things more difficult.

This isn't me saying "Fuck you" to anyone who wants to get married either. I don't care. Do what you want. I'm not even saying your life is gonna suffer for it and I completely understand why some people see it as a necessity, but I don't and I get angry when people tell me I'm an idiot for not wanting to get married or that I just want to stay single. I've established that already and I even get the legal benefit but if that's really the only reasons someone can come up with... maybe getting married isn't something you should be doing.

Marriage wouldn't have kept us together. She would have not been committed enough to me to get married in the first place. Nor would marrying her have been a good idea. That would have failed. Some marriages are beneficial though.

Marriage won't save a relationship that is bad. It will merely progress one that is already very good. It should only be undertaken in very good relationships.

 

[CrazyMedic]

There's fallacy in your logic: if they encounter an issue that's so serious it causes them to divorce, then how would never marrying in the first place averted the problem? Yes, marriage does have a rather high rate of divorce in recent years but if you don't get married because you might get divorced, then you are acknowledging that the relationship is as likely to fail as the current divorce rate. Now let's look at like this: modern divorce rates are in the neighbourhood of fifty percent (at least time I heard. I could well be wrong), so if maybe getting divorced would stop you from getting married, then you are 50% likely to break up anyway.
No one goes into marriage anticipating divorce. now marriage worth having would even factor in the chance of divorce. If it weighs heavy on your m as you go through the process, you shouldn't even be having a wedding in the first place.

That said, nineteen might be a bit too young.

I think the logic is in marriage there are a bunch of issues attached to marriage that can break a couple up that if they weren't married wouldn't have come up for instance money(In my experience there is generally a joint bank account)but if they were dating their money would be separate or even just a little thing like planning the wedding.

 

[Princess Rose]

One of my best friends and his girlfriend recently told me that they are planning to get engaged and marry. I've known them both for a long time and there is no doubt that they love each other but there are a few things that just don't sit right with me. Firstly they are only 19 years old, neither of them are religious and they are both children of failed marriages. In an age where divorce rates are sky high does it really make sense to risk destroying a perfectly healthy relationship?

If the relationship is healthy, then there's no risk.

Divorce rates are tricky bitches - I have a friend who's been divorced three times. That means, if 50% of marriages end in divorce, that to balance with my friend there are three happily married couples out there (well, two plus me and my spouse) who will remain happily married.

Some people are prone to this sort of thing. I think it comes from rushing into marriage.

Your friends sound a bit young for marriage (at 19) but it also sounds like they're waiting for a while yet before actually going through with it. That's a good thing. It shows that they both realize the risks and want to see how things work out in their lives before taking that next step. If they were both children of failed marriages, then they know the risks better than you do (unless you're also the child of a failed marriage).

Again, divorce rates don't actually reflect the average person. Certain people tend to get married and divorced a LOT - that screws up the numbers. For two people who have never been married before choosing to get married, the divorce rates aren't NEARLY that bad.

Some people rush in (like my friend) - my friend usually gets engaged within a year of meeting/dating a partner. I didn't get engaged to my spouse until we'd been together for three years (and we were friends for three years before we got together romantically). Also, some couples break up at the first sign of trouble. That type of couple.. well, you're going to get some divorces. Not because there's anything wrong with marriage, but because that's just the kind of person they are.

If one is in a good relationship, there's nothing wrong with celebrating it (which is what a marriage should be), or making an agreement with one's partner to stick around long term. The most important thing is communication - both parties need to agree on what rules they are setting out. My friend is often shocked when, after marriage, the new spouse seemed to "change" - and, although I would never say it to my friend like this, I'm always thinking that the problem is that my friend doesn't take the necessary time to actually get to know a future spouse before getting married. For the first year of a relationship, people tend to be the person they think their partner wants. People who get married during that first year are usually in for a nasty surprise. Not always, but more often than not. I think that the idea of "love at first sight" is responsible for more divorces than anything else. Love takes time - love takes years. Not falling in love - that's pretty quick - but love is more complicated than that.

Anyway, I'm tired and getting a bit rambly here.

tl;dr: The point is that, no matter what some of the more jaded members of the Escapist community have said, there is nothing wrong with marriage. The problem is people rushing in, pretending to be someone they're not, and generally being idiots. If people take their time and communicate, then marriage is a wonderful thing.

I've been married for five years, and happily so.

 

[Princess Rose]

I think the logic is in marriage there are a bunch of issues attached to marriage that can break a couple up that if they weren't married wouldn't have come up for instance money(In my experience there is generally a joint bank account)but if they were dating their money would be separate or even just a little thing like planning the wedding.

Been married 5 years (as mentioned above). I still keep a separate bank account. My spouse also has a separate bank account.

We did open a joint account, but only because our bank had a "open an account, get some free money" promotion. We don't use it much, except for the occasional bill.

That whole money pooling thing is a relic of a by-gone age. My spouse can't touch my money (unless I die) and I can't touch my spouse's money (unless my spouse dies). And we wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[spartan231490]

One of my best friends and his girlfriend recently told me that they are planning to get engaged and marry. I've known them both for a long time and there is no doubt that they love each other but there are a few things that just don't sit right with me. Firstly they are only 19 years old, neither of them are religious and they are both children of failed marriages. In an age where divorce rates are sky high does it really make sense to risk destroying a perfectly healthy relationship?

Marriage doesn't cause break-ups. People who get divorced would break-up even if they didn't get married. Really, marriage is just a label, it doesn't change anything about the underlying structure of the relationship, it just advertises it to everyone.

 

[Princess Rose]

I always thought open relationships and polyamory were WAY more natural to the human condition. open relationships prevents all that sneaking around cloak and dagger bullshit that can ruin most normal ones. Both men and women are temped everyday and being punished for it to me is stupid.

(made mild correction based upon later post)

Actually, I quite agree with this. However, that doesn't mean that one can't get married.

My spouse and I agreed when we first started dating that we wanted to keep things open for sex with other people. When we had our wedding, we arranged the vows so that they didn't preclude the possibility of extra-marital sex.

My spouse and I don't take advantage of our open marriage status that often (actually, we'd like to do so more often, but it can be difficult to find partners equally open minded) but it's always fun when we do. Our relationship is centered on our deep friendship - we love living together, hanging out with friends together, gaming together. Sex is just one more activity we love to share. And, like gaming, it's more fun to play with a group when one is available.

So, when I say that marriage is all about communication - this is what I'm talking about. My spouse and I communicated, and we worked out the rules that suited us. Those rules happened to include an open sexual component. ^^

 

[TheDooD]

I always thought open relationships and polyamory were WAY more natural to the human condition. open relationships prevents all that sneaking around cloak and dagger bullshit that can ruin most normal ones. Both men and women are temped everyday and being punished for it to me is stupid.

(made mild correction based upon later post)

Actually, I quite agree with this. However, that doesn't mean that one can't get married.

My spouse and I agreed when we first started dating that we wanted to keep things open for sex with other people. When we had our wedding, we arranged the vows so that they didn't preclude the possibility of extra-marital sex.

My spouse and I don't take advantage of our open marriage status that often (actually, we'd like to do so more often, but it can be difficult to find partners equally open minded) but it's always fun when we do. Our relationship is centered on our deep friendship - we love living together, hanging out with friends together, gaming together. Sex is just one more activity we love to share. And, like gaming, it's more fun to play with a group when one is available.

So, when I say that marriage is all about communication - this is what I'm talking about. My spouse and I communicated, and we worked out the rules that suited us. Those rules happened to include an open sexual component. ^^

That's how relationships should be about friendship. It's sad that people normally mess it up relationships by focusing on money, sex, political power and or abuse. I myself lost a really good friend because we had way too much sex and we both got scared that she might get pregnant if we kept seeing each other. I learned from that mistake, It's good to know that there's like minded people that understands that people should be much more open to their partners.

 

[Nieroshai]

Just because someone has parents who divorced does not mean the same thing will happen to them. Free will is a big factor in relationships. Marriage to me needs to stop being a state institution though, because it originated as a personal contract between two people not between those people and whoever's in charge at the time. I myself plan on marrying, knowing full well that my dad abandoned us when I was born and my stepdad was an abusive asshole, and my fiancee's dad is a deadbeat drunk. Why? Because I am not my father, nor am I that human piece of slime who raised me.

It's funny how the Escapist, and probably the whole internet, has no idea what love is. Hint: it has nothing to do with sex.

 

[Pyrofirestrike]

Too young. I ended up living with my boyfriend when I turned 18 and the relationship ended in the worst possible way. And we were engaged.
There are perks to being married young, but only on a financial level. If they're both going to college, they only have to put their financial information down when filling out a FAFSA rather than adding their parents, which can mean more aid. You get tax credits and more.
But is it really worth their relationship? I regretted being tied down that young, and so did my ex. Looking back, I didn't get to enjoy being single, I was tied down with responsibility that I wasn't ready for, and we ended up staying together more out of necessity rather than love. I'm thankful that we didn't go through with the marriage, otherwise we would have had the horrible process of divorce on top of everything else.
If they're dead set on this, then there's really nothing you can do but offer your advice and be there for when they tie the knot. Just hope that they know what they're getting into and that they can handle it.

 

[Pyrofirestrike]

Just because someone has parents who divorced does not mean the same thing will happen to them. Free will is a big factor in relationships. Marriage to me needs to stop being a state institution though, because it originated as a personal contract between two people not between those people and whoever's in charge at the time. I myself plan on marrying, knowing full well that my dad abandoned us when I was born and my stepdad was an abusive asshole, and my fiancee's dad is a deadbeat drunk. Why? Because I am not my father, nor am I that human piece of slime who raised me.

It's funny how the Escapist, and probably the whole internet, has no idea what love is. Hint: it has nothing to do with sex.

Amen to that. Well put.

 

[Volkov]

Financially and socio-economically, there are strong incentives to marry.

As far as what it does to a relationship - it won't mend a broken one, and it won't strengthen a solid one. The fact that they are 19 though does bring up the question of "How the fuck do they know that they are ready for marriage???"

 

[airrazor7]

The fact its a ***** to separate afterwards. Believe it or not, living with someone for 50 years is very trying on the patience. Not being able to simply walk away without doing a lot of legal legwork is very compelling.

Just don't start signing any important documents with whomever your partner may be. Common Law marriage is now enforced and looked upon like a real marriage. So basically if you date, move in with them and live with them for too long, there will still be paper work because it will be treated as a separation/divorce.

Being more on topic:

I think they're too young but then again my grandmother was married at a younger age (that lasted with eight children and grew into a huge loving family. Only death separated her husband from her). However, if they have both discussed this, have seriously thought it over individually, expunged most doubts and know without any doubt that they are truly in love, they should be fine. Also, their divorced parents are not a factor. This is about them, not their parents.

Also, I need to say this for the "I don't get the point of marriage" gripers. Marriage isn't about white gowns, an expensive production, legal paper work or money. It's about two people doing a physical showing of confirmation about their love for each other, a ritual of sorts (that does not have to be grounded in or dictated by religion unless that is your choice!). It is also a celebration for anyone you wish to share that special event with.

Some of you might say, "but I show my love all the time so I don't need to do that." Well, to each their own methods. However, people always want to "show" their love for anniversaries, married or dating, and take off to las vegas. Well just like anniversaries, weddings are simply a momentous occasion that are supposed to be enjoyed by the two meaningful people the event is about and everyone they wished to share it with.

 

[Craorach]

The assumption that the reason divorce is high, is because marriage is bad, confuses me no matter how many times I hear it.

I'm married, happily so, and have been for.. statistically.. longer than many modern marriages last.

This isn't because my wife and I have the perfect relationship, or because we're deluding ourselves. It is because we didn't go into this thinking that we would be gloriously happy at all times.

Marriage for a lot of young couples is seen as ... "omg so romantic"... a big party, spend a ton of money, get a ton of presents.. but don't forget the pre-nup, it's important to think about how you're going to screw each other over if it doesn't work out!.. of course you don't compromise on the Wedding, its the most important day of your life!.. expensive Honeymoon, yay!

Then, when the joy is faded, and you have the hangover.. when you realise just how long its going to take you to pay for that wedding and honeymoon.. when you realise you have to get a mortgage if you want a house but you still have that huge debt.. when you start seeing less and less of each other because you both insist on having "my own life"... when one party doesn't come home one night and sleeps at someone elses house.. and the doubt sets in, and the arguements, and the accusations... well, easy fix.. Pre Nup, Divorce! After Divorce Party!

All in all... marriages don't fail because they are no longer valid.. marriages fail because people rush into them, act like they are a party, and are unable to handle the idea of compromise within a relationship. That, and they go into the marriage already planning what they will do if it fails.

 

[Icehearted]

Who you are at 19 was not who you were at 9 and is not who you'll be at 29. People fail to take this into account all to often. Add to that a popular westernized sense of entitlement and the individual over the whole and you've got a formula for a disastrous marital landscape.

If people would truly understand the difference between love and lust, this would not happen nearly as much as it does now.

Then again, I'm hardly marital material... hell I'm not even boyfriend material, so what do I know, mmm?

 

[IkeGreil29]

It's bullshit. My parents have one of the saddest marriages ever. I really think it shouldn't ever exist. It creates dependency and a lot of destroyed lives.

Edit: In response to your situation, I'd say let them try it, but convince them not to have economical bindings nor to have children yet. What's more, make sure they're engaged a couple of years and they live with each other to see if they can stand it. My parents sure don't.

 

[Princess Rose]

That's how relationships should be about friendship. It's sad that people normally mess it up relationships by focusing on money, sex, political power and or abuse. I myself lost a really good friend because we had way too much sex and we both got scared that she might get pregnant if we kept seeing each other. I learned from that mistake, It's good to know that there's like minded people that understands that people should be much more open to their partners.

I'm sorry, that sucks. Although, I do have a question about you and your friend.

Why not just use Birth Control? The pill is pretty reliable, and condoms work okay in a pinch. Am I missing some key part of the story (like she doesn't believe in birth control or you had a condom break or something)? If you were good friends, and if you enjoyed having sex, I really don't see how the (typically fairly easy to prevent) possibility of pregnancy was the straw on that camel's back.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything - I honestly want to know (cause my relationship with my spouse started out similarly, and clearly things went very differently for you).