Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[UltraDeth]

Granted, but you're struck by stage fright and don't know many jokes and the audience are snooty who only appreciate something elaborately satirical

I wish to play Golf

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, the course's killer octopus snatches you up after the third hole... just because you can barely get a birdie, at least...

I wish I had a go-to response for stupidity!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, it's the words "F*** you"

I wish I had the power of the Great Old Ones

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, just like the Great Old Old, it will croak at the worse imaginable time figuratively, literally, and financially speaking...

I wish for a comeback tour!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, but you're forgotten and next to no-one shows up

I wish I didn't get depressed

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

granted, but you lose the ability to feel any emotion at all.

I wish one year from today would be the best day of the next poster's entire life.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, everyday that leads up to that would be even worse than that upcoming best day next year...

I wish to change the channel!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, to the Shopping Channel

I wish I was infinitely wealthy

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it came with infinite depression that cannot be fixed with said wealth or otherwise...

I wish for the OG voices to come back!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted, but they sorely dissapoint you!

I wish I had psionic powers

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you are forever gang-banged by Mr. Saturn...

I wish I threw the first fruit punch!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, the punch was spiked by your ineptitude

I wish wishes did come true

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, just like in real life, they are never what you truly wish for...

I wish to be the knight!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, you're not the one who slays the dragon

I wish I had power armour when I went out

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it's way too heavy to move in... Thus, you become a statue that blocks your own door...

I wish I was baking bread!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, it burns to a crisp

I wish I had cybernetic upgrades

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted, a hacker hacks them and uses them to take over your body.

I wish karma would *****-slap the **** out of Tom Brady for getting away with cheating.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, by do so, marks the end of all sports-related events big and small to end, thus leading to the World Riot that ends up killing the Earth hilariously...

I wish for a new pimp hand!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, forever sealing your hand in a tacky green rhinestone glove

I wish I was endowed with the knowledge of the Reapers