The Escapist Advice Thread

[Headsprouter]

Tizzy, have a snickers. Your joints get all achy when you're hungry. Better?

Dear Escapist, HALP!! My world is in black and white! Suggest me a pointless product to bring the colour back through it's purchase!

 

[kailus13]

Here have colouron! It's proven by "science"!

Dear Escapist, should I listen to the voices?

 

[username sucks]

Why get a boring mattress when you can get a bed of nails and fire?

Dear Escapist, how do I get some fire?

 

[EeveeElectro]

You rub two sticks together OBVIOUSLY.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop my cat from eating herself?

Emilee, 21.

 

[Dalek Caan]

You sew her mouth together.

How do I burn all the hair on my body without killing myself.

 

[kailus13]

Very carefully.

How do I clone myself?

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

Cut yourself in two...oh wait, that's worms...meh, give it a try anyway it still might work for you.

Dear Escapist, has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

 

[username sucks]

Yes the decided far been go want do to sense in a word make.

dear Escapist, how can I ignore people endlessly talking at me without said people getting mad?

 

[Teoes]

Stick your fingers in your ears and shout "LALALALALALALALA" at the top of your voice.

Dear Escapist, please tell me how I can get people to make me cups of tea more often. It burdens me so.

 

[username sucks]

You have two options: Pay them, or threaten them. Either works, but threats are cheaper.

Dear Escapist, how can I think of better things to ask for advice on?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Kill yourself and ask us how to revive yourself.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop my husband sleeping with other women?

Emilee, 21.

 

[username sucks]

Make him go to sleep... forever.

Dear Escapist, how do I know whether to take the above post seriously or not?

 

[Teoes]

Dress up as a woman and attempt to seduce Emilee's husband.

Dear Escapist, how should I go about seducing username sucks?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Throw bits of malt loaf at it's head.

Dear Escapist, how do I get a bikini body in four days?

Emilee, 21 and 3/4

 

[MammothBlade]

Eat nothing but chocolate cake and let it all fill out.

Dear Escapist, how do I read in bed with a torch?

 

[username sucks]

Use it to light your house on fire, that way you can see without having to hold the flaming piece of wood.

Dear Escapist, how do I achieve peace?

 

[Teoes]

Kill everyone.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop the world from learning my terrible secret, without killing everyone?