The Escapist Advice Thread

[username sucks]

To find out, you should buy a time machine so that you can ask your future self(who has played the game) if you will like it.

My doorbell is ringing, but nobody answered when I picked up the phone and said hello. Even worse, the doorbell keeps ringing!? How do I stop the doorbell?

 

[NerfedFalcon]

Take a hammer to it. The doorbell, not your phone.

Dear Escapist, I received a package in the mail with a strangely glowing white stone. Using the tissue paper it came in, I've found out that there are several symbols from a lost civilisation scrawled onto its surface. Is it safe to touch with my bare skin?

 

[Exius Xavarus]

Of course! What's the worst that could happen? Actually, get rubber or leather gloves. Safety first!

Dear Escapist, my cat keeps trying to play Dark Souls whenever I go to use the restroom or get a snack. What do?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Let it play! This cat's genius and complete love to the species that enslaves it's kind must be encouraged. Also, give it "How to Make ICBMs for Dummies" and a gun. What can go wrong?

Dear Escapist, a bunch of people are at my door with a battering ram demanding their money back. What should I do?

 

[scorptatious]

Tell them that their battering ram is of low quality and you can sell them a "better" battering ram. After that, buy some tickets to get on a plane to fly out of the country.

Dear Escapist, I can't figure out how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood! Help!

 

[username sucks]

Simple, really. a wood chuck would chuck all the wood that a wood chuck could if a wood chuck could chuck wood.

Dear Escapist, my friday just got ruined because I realized it was only tuesday. How do I remedy this?

 

[thesilentman]

...Deny nature.

Dear Escapist, I need to stop feeling tired. What to do?

 

[NerfedFalcon]

Maple syrup. In large quantities.

Dear Escapist, I ran out of maple syrup. Where can I obtain more?

 

[MrCollins]

Get your toothbrush and sharpen it until you get a shank, then go to your local park and stab some mother fucking trees.

Dear Escapist, how do I do what I do?

 

[PsychicTaco115]

You do it FABUOUSLY

Dear Escapist, how do I know when to go in for the kill the kiss?

 

[thesilentman]

S/he will kick you in the balls right before.

Dear Escapist, why am I not tired after pulling an all nighter?

 

[MrCollins]

Clearly you didn't pull hard enough, put your back into it.

Dear Escapist, how can I overcome my dehabilitating crack addiction?

 

[PsychicTaco115]

Do more crack; hopefully, all of it will cancel out

Dear Escapist, how do I get internet famous?

 

[thesilentman]

Post something stupid on YouTube.

Dear Escapist; Windows is being fussy. How should I kill it?

 

[NerfedFalcon]

Open a Notepad file and type in "@echo off del c:[backslash]windows[backslash]system32", then save it as [something].bat. Open it up again, and you have a dead Windows on your hands.

Dear Escapist, somebody tells me that I shouldn't like Gintama because 'it's bad'. I can't convince him that that's just his opinion - he's utterly convinced that it's a fact that Gintama sucks. He could teach the Pope a thing or two about devotion. Anyway, how do I make sure he doesn't spread his opinion around any further?

 

[Kae]

Cut off his tongue and fingers!

Dear Escapist how can I get rest without getting any sleep?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Stay at an inn. The screen will go black for a second and sleepy music will play but you'll be full rested.

Dear escapist how can I pass time?

 

[scorptatious]

Murder.

Dear Escapist, I haz trouble with teh mathematics. Halp?

 

[NerfedFalcon]

2 + 2 = fish.

Dear Escapist, how do I into space?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Well If anything has learnt me anything; You can space under c v b n and m.

Dear escapist I can smell burnt toast all day every day. Is there something wrong?