The Escapist Advice Thread
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Play fun, happy games! Like Slender, SCP containment, and Amenesia the Dark Decent.
Dear the escapist, I don't love Raymond, is there something wrong with me?
Dear the escapist, I don't love Raymond, is there something wrong with me?
Oh boy, this is gonna be a long one.
Alright, first things first. Since you need help with the "how" without giving specific criteria (examples: Formal dress, casual jeans, clown outfit, straightjacket) I'll guide you step by step to wear a pretty common combo consisting of underwear, socks, sport shoes, casual jeans and a t-shirt. Do note: This guide goes on believing that you already know what size you wear and you own the set in your size (With jeans it's tricky, as the author has painfully found out, because while other clothes give some leniency if you go past their assigned size, you'll spend a fuckton of time fighting with the button. And the button always wins)
That being said, here is the guide.
STEP 1: PUTTING ON UNDERWEAR
This is usually regarded as the easiest step for males and an average step for females. What is common between the two sexes is that you have to (well, not really, but it's generally regarded as a swell move) to wear a garment to cover you genitals. Such garments include: Boxer shorts and briefs, panties, knickers, tangas, strings, thongs and straightjackets.
Men usually choose between the boxer variants and the straightjacket (which you will find to be an excrutiating hard choice and you almost always end up having someone else force you to wear either against your will), leaving women with a greater variety. Thankfully, all follow the same pattern.
In order to put on your undergarment, you lay it on the ground and put your legs between the holes. Now that you have done that, simply pull the garment upwards, until it covers your nethers. *NOTE* In order to know which side is the correct to wear, check the garment. The side that has the information about size and washing goes behind.
Women have an additional step in that they have to wear a fascinating yet complex contraption known as BRA. It is used to cover their breast (and sometimes make them look bigger than they actually are.) Unfortunately, since this guide was written bya filthy patriarchal pig a man believing in a patriarchal society, how to wear a bra is not included on this guide (To find out, please purchase "BRASTERY: An indepth guide to mastering the BRA" sold by our records.)
After putting on underwear you are given the choice between putting on the jean or the t-shirt. However, since one choice inevitably lead to the other aswell, many critics find this part to be lackluster and love to shout "ARTIFICIAL CHOICE" or "RED, GREEN OR BLUE JEANS?" whenever they hear about it. Rest assured, designers have engineered an intricate way of battling such opposition, which consists of shouting back "ARTISTIC INTEGRITY"
Anyhow, in order to help you do things as easy as possible, this guide will follow a pattern known as "Up-to-Down" which is a code term referring to choosing to wear the T-shirt before the Jeans. As such:
STEP 2: WEARING THE T-SHIRT
In order to wear the T-shirt correctly, you must first examine it. Through endlessly complicated algebric and geometric equations (the answers to which are in a supplemetery book that is not included) you must then discover which hole is the biggest one. Then, after making sure that you are going to wear it correctly (the same technick applies) you must calculate the amount of strength need to pull it over the head. If you don't put the required strength, you will be trapped in the shirt, which usually lead to loss of one life by suffocation. Despite heavy pressure by devoted fans, designers have not officially announced the stat requirements each of their shirts have, leaving it hanging to you.
Assuming you have made it alive and are now able to read this, you have reached the 3rd step.
STEP 3: PUTTING ON THE JEANS
In order to wear the jeans, follow the prosedure used for putting on your undergarments. However there is one crucial difference between the two: THE BUTTON.
THE BUTTON is widely regarded as one of the toughest bosses in life. So difficult, that many skip it altogether by not getting jeans. Fighting THE BUTTON requires a good deal of both physical and mental strength, as THE BUTTON has many a trick to give you a false sense of security and hope. Defeating THE BUTTON signals the coming of age, the passing from adolesence to adulthood, the sounding of the trumpet and the destruction of the Sixth Seal, as well as being deemed the Shaoshyant.
Assuming you manage to defeat THE BUTTON, one final test remains: Thunder & Lightning, or less commonly known as Socks & Shoes.
Though putting on the socks is considered an easy step, the real test is lies within the shoes.
As you might gather through careful observation, there are two shoes, one fitting to the left foot and another for the right. You must now thread carefully, as you must choose which shoe fits which foot. This deeply philosophical question came into existence when the first CONVERSE Old Star set was created by Socrates circa 400 B.C. It is generally accepted that his inability to find out which fits which was the reason he was sentenced to commit suicide by drinking Conium (as shown in Plato's "Apology").
Figuring out which fits which heralds the end of modern civilization, the achievement of Singularity and the Return of the King.
After putting them on, you must now use the ultimate combination of wits and brawn in order to tie the shoelaces. (The way to do it is written in supplementary material that is not included.) Tying the shoelaces signals the sounding of the trumpet, the destruction of the Seventh Seal, the coming of the Beast, the Conception and the beginning of SMT: Nocturne.
Congratulations! You have now dressed successfully! Now get out and try not to get hit by an airplane!
---------
Dear Escapist, how can I become funny?
Alright, first things first. Since you need help with the "how" without giving specific criteria (examples: Formal dress, casual jeans, clown outfit, straightjacket) I'll guide you step by step to wear a pretty common combo consisting of underwear, socks, sport shoes, casual jeans and a t-shirt. Do note: This guide goes on believing that you already know what size you wear and you own the set in your size (With jeans it's tricky, as the author has painfully found out, because while other clothes give some leniency if you go past their assigned size, you'll spend a fuckton of time fighting with the button. And the button always wins)
That being said, here is the guide.
STEP 1: PUTTING ON UNDERWEAR
This is usually regarded as the easiest step for males and an average step for females. What is common between the two sexes is that you have to (well, not really, but it's generally regarded as a swell move) to wear a garment to cover you genitals. Such garments include: Boxer shorts and briefs, panties, knickers, tangas, strings, thongs and straightjackets.
Men usually choose between the boxer variants and the straightjacket (which you will find to be an excrutiating hard choice and you almost always end up having someone else force you to wear either against your will), leaving women with a greater variety. Thankfully, all follow the same pattern.
In order to put on your undergarment, you lay it on the ground and put your legs between the holes. Now that you have done that, simply pull the garment upwards, until it covers your nethers. *NOTE* In order to know which side is the correct to wear, check the garment. The side that has the information about size and washing goes behind.
Women have an additional step in that they have to wear a fascinating yet complex contraption known as BRA. It is used to cover their breast (and sometimes make them look bigger than they actually are.) Unfortunately, since this guide was written by
After putting on underwear you are given the choice between putting on the jean or the t-shirt. However, since one choice inevitably lead to the other aswell, many critics find this part to be lackluster and love to shout "ARTIFICIAL CHOICE" or "RED, GREEN OR BLUE JEANS?" whenever they hear about it. Rest assured, designers have engineered an intricate way of battling such opposition, which consists of shouting back "ARTISTIC INTEGRITY"
Anyhow, in order to help you do things as easy as possible, this guide will follow a pattern known as "Up-to-Down" which is a code term referring to choosing to wear the T-shirt before the Jeans. As such:
STEP 2: WEARING THE T-SHIRT
In order to wear the T-shirt correctly, you must first examine it. Through endlessly complicated algebric and geometric equations (the answers to which are in a supplemetery book that is not included) you must then discover which hole is the biggest one. Then, after making sure that you are going to wear it correctly (the same technick applies) you must calculate the amount of strength need to pull it over the head. If you don't put the required strength, you will be trapped in the shirt, which usually lead to loss of one life by suffocation. Despite heavy pressure by devoted fans, designers have not officially announced the stat requirements each of their shirts have, leaving it hanging to you.
Assuming you have made it alive and are now able to read this, you have reached the 3rd step.
STEP 3: PUTTING ON THE JEANS
In order to wear the jeans, follow the prosedure used for putting on your undergarments. However there is one crucial difference between the two: THE BUTTON.
THE BUTTON is widely regarded as one of the toughest bosses in life. So difficult, that many skip it altogether by not getting jeans. Fighting THE BUTTON requires a good deal of both physical and mental strength, as THE BUTTON has many a trick to give you a false sense of security and hope. Defeating THE BUTTON signals the coming of age, the passing from adolesence to adulthood, the sounding of the trumpet and the destruction of the Sixth Seal, as well as being deemed the Shaoshyant.
Assuming you manage to defeat THE BUTTON, one final test remains: Thunder & Lightning, or less commonly known as Socks & Shoes.
Though putting on the socks is considered an easy step, the real test is lies within the shoes.
As you might gather through careful observation, there are two shoes, one fitting to the left foot and another for the right. You must now thread carefully, as you must choose which shoe fits which foot. This deeply philosophical question came into existence when the first CONVERSE Old Star set was created by Socrates circa 400 B.C. It is generally accepted that his inability to find out which fits which was the reason he was sentenced to commit suicide by drinking Conium (as shown in Plato's "Apology").
Figuring out which fits which heralds the end of modern civilization, the achievement of Singularity and the Return of the King.
After putting them on, you must now use the ultimate combination of wits and brawn in order to tie the shoelaces. (The way to do it is written in supplementary material that is not included.) Tying the shoelaces signals the sounding of the trumpet, the destruction of the Seventh Seal, the coming of the Beast, the Conception and the beginning of SMT: Nocturne.
Congratulations! You have now dressed successfully! Now get out and try not to get hit by an airplane!
---------
Dear Escapist, how can I become funny?
Keep your posts short and sweet. BUUUURRRRRRRRRRN!!!!!
Dear Escapist, how should we treat that burn.
Dear Escapist, how should we treat that burn.
By being actually helpful for once! [small] That was the sound of you getting medium rare'd by a flamethrower[/small]
Dear Escapist, what is the best way to cook a Headsprouter?
Dear Escapist, what is the best way to cook a Headsprouter?
Swing him by his ankles and drag him on the floor. (for the record, the dressing advice made me howl 
)
Dear Escapist, my exes current girlfriend looks like a really bad drag queen. How do we make her look like a woman?
)Dear Escapist, my exes current girlfriend looks like a really bad drag queen. How do we make her look like a woman?
Maybe she looks better outside of a negative light! Still, [small]that *****...[/small]
Dear escapist, how does one cure giddiness?
Dear escapist, how does one cure giddiness?
Here, let me show you: *downs an entire bowl of soup*
Deah ethcapith, hou du ah ficth my thongue?
Deah ethcapith, hou du ah ficth my thongue?
Drill a hole in your skull. If it released demons from your head in the olden times, it'll definitely work now!
Dear Escapist, how do I cook?
Dear Escapist, how do I cook?
Put that shit in the oven, turn it to max, and wait till your fire alarm goes off.
Dear Escapists, how do I learned magic?
Dear Escapists, how do I learned magic?
You go up to a lady and ask if you can show her your penis disappearing trick.
Dear Escapist, how do I ride a horse?
Dear Escapist, how do I ride a horse?
Hold the shield to your left side, leaving your front wide open. The enemy will never expect it.
Dear Escapist, how do I fly the plane I just hijacked?
Dear Escapist, how do I fly the plane I just hijacked?