The Joke Topic (literally)

[Insert Funny Name Here]

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

 

[Evilvikingking]

Swimming is good for you...if you're drowning XD

A man walked up to me in the street and said "Are you John Lee or do you just look like him?"
I said "Both".

[I am really, truly sorry for this one]

What is the difference between Maddy McAnn and the pope?
The pope is a virgin. [I did warn you]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid your ugly face

How many protestants does it take to change a light bulb?
1 They're brilliant
But, how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
1 They're brilliant too
.........Please don't hurt me.

 

[throwitinthetrash]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Ah, you and your physics.

 

[KittywifaMohawk]

Welcome to the Escapist.

A blond walks into an elevator with another guy in it.
Trying to start a conversation she goes "TGIF"
The man quickly replies "SHIT".
The blond, thinking he didn't hear her says "TGIF" again.
The man, once again, replies "SHIT".
Getting a little annoyed the blond says, in a louder tone "TGIF"
The man, once again, replies "SHIT".
The blond then goes "Excuse me sir, you do know TGIF means "Thank God it's friday" right?"
The man then replies "Yes, and you do know SHIT means "Sorry hunny, it's thursday""

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's the difference between civil and mechanical engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

 

[Abedeus]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Ah, you like the optimist/pessimist ones, eh?

Here's one:

Optimist sees light in the tunnel.

Pessimist sees darkness in the tunnel.

Realist sees two small lights in the tunnel.

Conductor sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

 

[Ace of Spades]

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
All the sailors were marooned.
*ba dum tish*

 

[WittyName]

How do you get rid of a boomerang?

Throw it down a one-way street!

*ba-dum-tish*

*silence*

 

[gibboss28]

what noise does a cat on prozac make?

me

 

[quack35]

The best time to have an earthquake is when you're in bed with a girl. Because you will look like the biggest stud ever.

 

[runtheplacered]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's the difference between civil and mechanical engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

Haha. Nice one.

This reminds me of another one about Civil Engineers:

Three engineering students were deciding on what type of an engineer designed the human body. One of them said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Then another of the students said, "It had to have been an electrical engineer. The nervous system has a lot of electrical connections."

The last student said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

[Abedeus]

Okay, here's another one.

American vessel on the sea. Near the Canadian border. A nasty weather, fog and rain at the same time. Suddenly, they see on a radar that there is another ship in front of them and they're on a collision course.

- This is WGH-23-XD, requesting change of direction to avoid collision.

- Sorry, that's impossible. You have to change your path.

- Denied, I'm with many, many ships from American Navy and it's impossible for us to change our path. Change yours, that's an order.

- I repeat, it's impossible.

- Listen, son, this is general Wellington of the 12th brigade, there are two aircraft carriers with me, five submarines, two destroyers and a battlecruiser! You will change your path now, or be prepared for a war!

- Well that's great, but we are a lighthouse.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What's the difference between civil and mechanical engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

Haha. Nice one.

This reminds me of another one about Civil Engineers:

Three engineering students were deciding on what type of an engineer designed the human body. One of them said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Then another of the students said, "It had to have been an electrical engineer. The nervous system has a lot of electrical connections."

The last student said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Heh! That's really good.

 

[PirateKing]

Welcome to the Escapist.

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "You know you have a steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?"
The pirate responds, "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

No. This doesn't have anything to do with my username.

 

[Snor]

what sound does a turkish airlines plane make when it crashes? KEEEBAB!

 

[The_Pen_is_Mightier]

Okay, here's another one.

American vessel on the sea. Near the Canadian border. A nasty weather, fog and rain at the same time. Suddenly, they see on a radar that there is another ship in front of them and they're on a collision course.

- This is WGH-23-XD, requesting change of direction to avoid collision.

- Sorry, that's impossible. You have to change your path.

- Denied, I'm with many, many ships from American Navy and it's impossible for us to change our path. Change yours, that's an order.

- I repeat, it's impossible.

- Listen, son, this is general Wellington of the 12th brigade, there are two aircraft carriers with me, five submarines, two destroyers and a battlecruiser! You will change your path now, or be prepared for a war!

- Well that's great, but we are a lighthouse.

That is very good.

 

[demotivational fail]

100 years ago they said we would have a black president, when pigs flew. Well now we have a black president... and guess what... Swine Flu.

 

[throwitinthetrash]

100 years ago they said we would have a black president, when pigs flew. Well now we have a black president... and guess what... Swine Flu.

Oh gosh. Awesome

 

[Evertw]

Doctor doctor, my fever keeps rising what should i do?

Sell.

 

[blankedboy]

Welcome to the Escapist.

Why did the camel cross the lake?
IT DIDN'T THERE ARE NO LAKES IN EGYPT DON'T BE STUPID!

You are mistaken. I've been to Egypt, and there are lakes. And Igloos. I will bet you six hundred dollars, it's all in the Sahara desert.