The Maiden Name Conundrum

[Galliam]

one time me and my girlfriend discussed this. The conclusion we came to was NOT taking your husbands name was kind of a subtle "fuck you" and although I doubt that's how you see it when wanting to keep your name, it MAY be how he secretly feels about the situation. I know its how I would feel.

Upon discussion with several of my friends, they seem to basically agree with me too.

Something to think about.

 

[Palademon]

My parents never married.
I have both their last names, but my mother's first, so my father's is still my last last name.
[first name][middle name][mother's name][father's name]

So I am unhelpful. What's wrong with long names? When I feel like shortenting I only use my first and my father's name.

 

[Aranialis]

Decide together which surname sounds better for each potential child as the time comes?

I kind of liked this idea, but the trouble would be that there might be some kind of implied favoritism, as in whichever kid got my last name would be viewed as "My favorite" ect.

I'm not sure how you could have a favorite before the child is even born. "She kicked me less, so I like her more?"

Its not about knowing or telling them there is no logic in thinking there is favoritism, Because you can't explain something like that to a kid for him/her to understand, and even if they'd "understand" where you are coming from it would still feel like favoritism. Sooo no that's an all around bad idea.

On topic: Make one the middle name and the other the last name, that's how I got mine, and my brothers the same.

 

[Sariteiya]

one time me and my girlfriend discussed this. The conclusion we came to was NOT taking your husbands name was kind of a subtle "fuck you" and although I doubt that's how you see it when wanting to keep your name, it MAY be how he secretly feels about the situation. I know its how I would feel.

Upon discussion with several of my friends, they seem to basically agree with me too.

Something to think about.

We discussed this as well, and I understand not wanting to follow tradition can seem like a personal sting, but it's not intended as that. I want to keep my own name because it has meaning to me, I'm the only one in my family who will likely pass on my name, because I don't want to change my name on every legal piece of ID I own, and lastly, because I have some issues with being expected to abandon a piece of my identity because an old tradition says so. (An old tradition stepped in women giving up their families and becoming property no less). At any rate, if my Boyfriend moped about hurt feelings over me wanting to keep something that matters this much to me, I don't think I'd marry him to begin with. He had similar feelings at first, but he's come to understand that it's not really about not liking his name or commitment or anything, it's about my personal feelings about loosing a last name I love.

 

[Javarock]

Screw both last names and change the kids to Pepsi.

On a more serious note.

Have a talk about it?, Choose what ever name is shorter/easyer to spell.

 

[Mogule]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_United_States#Rights_and_benefits

For the people saying there is no use to get married. My advice, you should be talking more to your future husband, and work through this like a couple.

 

[trooper6]

People are telling you not to get married.
My parents were not married for quite a long time, they eventually got married so that we kids and my mom could have health insurance. My father's employers wouldn't give health insurance to the kids without the marriage license, and my mother's employer was a non-union company and they didn't provide health insurance.
So there are reasons to get married and if you want to, go ahead.

That said. I have my mother's maiden name as my last name, my sister has my father's last name. And it really was no problem to us.

You could mash up your last names into a new one.
You could just give the kids both last names (not hyphenated) They can use one or both.
You could hyphenate.
You could do what crazy rich people would do, their first child's first name would be the mother's maiden name...this is how you can get things like Hardy Jenns or Whitney Puffington.
You could go all scandinavian and call yours daughters Sariteiyasdottir and your sons Johnson (assuming your hubby's name is John).
You could give the boys your last name and the girls your husband's last name.

 

[Galliam]

one time me and my girlfriend discussed this. The conclusion we came to was NOT taking your husbands name was kind of a subtle "fuck you" and although I doubt that's how you see it when wanting to keep your name, it MAY be how he secretly feels about the situation. I know its how I would feel.

Upon discussion with several of my friends, they seem to basically agree with me too.

Something to think about.

We discussed this as well, and I understand not wanting to follow tradition can seem like a personal sting, but it's not intended as that. I want to keep my own name because it has meaning to me, I'm the only one in my family who will likely pass on my name, because I don't want to change my name on every legal piece of ID I own, and lastly, because I have some issues with being expected to abandon a piece of my identity because an old tradition says so. (An old tradition stepped in women giving up their families and becoming property no less). At any rate, if my Boyfriend moped about hurt feelings over me wanting to keep something that matters this much to me, I don't think I'd marry him to begin with. He had similar feelings at first, but he's come to understand that it's not really about not liking his name or commitment or anything, it's about my personal feelings about loosing a last name I love.

Well, I would tend to agree with you if I felt that those were the only reasons that taking your husband's name is a generally good thing. Is the idea taken from a time when women became "property" as you say? Maybe, but it doesn't sound to me like your future husband has ANY plans of viewing you as such. Many common traditions have somewhat dark and sinister bases, but that doesn't mean their distant origins make them bad for humanity or anything like that.

That being said, your fiance either truly doesn't care or isn't willing to risk the relationship on something so objectively small. But just think, if your name means a LOT to you what makes you think that his name means nothing to him (in regards to naming children) It sounds like you're an only child (I may be mistaken) and you're going to be the only one to pass a family name down the line. This is a great thought, but if my fiance expressed this desire, I'd be hurt that she didn't feel my name was worthy of her or her children. Marriage is an equal partnership, and its these subtleties that make one side feel inferior to the other.

Again, your fiance may be VERY willing to let you keep your name but I'm just wondering how truly committed to him you are.

 

[Sariteiya]

That said. I have my mother's maiden name as my last name, my sister has my father's last name. And it really was no problem to us.

You could mash up your last names into a new one.
You could just give the kids both last names (not hyphenated) They can use one or both.
You could hyphenate.
You could do what crazy rich people would do, their first child's first name would be the mother's maiden name...this is how you can get things like Hardy Jenns or Whitney Puffington.
You could go all scandinavian and call yours daughters Sariteiyasdottir and your sons Johnson (assuming your hubby's name is John).
You could give the boys your last name and the girls your husband's last name.

The Scandinavian thing has always appealed to me, but the Bf says No. Also, that mashup one. A lot of people have mentioned that and without giving away any personal information, I think I can safely tell you that several people have suggested we have a mashup name of Venanight. The bf and my Brother in Law think it's awesome (ironically? I don't know.) It sounds a bit like a Pokemon to me. Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

 

[HerbertTheHamster]

Family names are for sissies

viking last names represent

 

[Thundero13]

I don't see the problem with hyphenating to long names together, or just use both until they're old enough to choose one for themselves

 

[Sariteiya]

one time me and my girlfriend discussed this. The conclusion we came to was NOT taking your husbands name was kind of a subtle "fuck you" and although I doubt that's how you see it when wanting to keep your name, it MAY be how he secretly feels about the situation. I know its how I would feel.

Upon discussion with several of my friends, they seem to basically agree with me too.

Something to think about.

We discussed this as well, and I understand not wanting to follow tradition can seem like a personal sting, but it's not intended as that. I want to keep my own name because it has meaning to me, I'm the only one in my family who will likely pass on my name, because I don't want to change my name on every legal piece of ID I own, and lastly, because I have some issues with being expected to abandon a piece of my identity because an old tradition says so. (An old tradition stepped in women giving up their families and becoming property no less). At any rate, if my Boyfriend moped about hurt feelings over me wanting to keep something that matters this much to me, I don't think I'd marry him to begin with. He had similar feelings at first, but he's come to understand that it's not really about not liking his name or commitment or anything, it's about my personal feelings about loosing a last name I love.

Well, I would tend to agree with you if I felt that those were the only reasons that taking your husband's name is a generally good thing. Is the idea taken from a time when women became "property" as you say? Maybe, but it doesn't sound to me like your future husband has ANY plans of viewing you as such. Many common traditions have somewhat dark and sinister bases, but that doesn't mean their distant origins make them bad for humanity or anything like that.

That being said, your fiance either truly doesn't care or isn't willing to risk the relationship on something so objectively small. But just think, if your name means a LOT to you what makes you think that his name means nothing to him (in regards to naming children) It sounds like you're an only child (I may be mistaken) and you're going to be the only one to pass a family name down the line. This is a great thought, but if my fiance expressed this desire, I'd be hurt that she didn't feel my name was worthy of her or her children. Marriage is an equal partnership, and its these subtleties that make one side feel inferior to the other.

Again, your fiance may be VERY willing to let you keep your name but I'm just wondering how truly committed to him you are.

The thing is, he gets to keep his name, no matter what. I never said I wanted him to take my name, and I really want his name to be passed down in some shape or form to our children as well. I want him to keep his identity as much as I get to keep mine. That's fair, equal, and is completely reasonable. That's why I'm struggling with this question to begin with. I want a solution that lets us both pass our names down.

Also, not an only child, just the only child that desires children.

Also also, you have no idea what our relationship is like, so please refrain from speculating on my commitment. Not cool, not helping your case, and not even close to accurate.

 

[The Heik]

So here's the deal, my boyfriend and I intend to get married, but I'd like to retain my Maiden Name, partly because it means a great deal to me, and partly because it's a huge hassle to change my name on every legal document ever.

The trouble is, we both want kids. What last name do we end up giving them? Hyphenating is not an option, we both have long last names, and I don't want to do that to our kids. I've discussed this with a lot of people and no one seems to have a good answer, so I thought I'd source the internet. Ideas?

Well you've catch 22'd yourself quite nicely there.

Honestly, either the kids are going to hyphenate their last names or one of you is going to have to buckle on whose name dominates the family, as any other option (ie letting the kids choose thier last name of mish-mash of both) is going to be hell to work with legally and bureaucratically.

 

[burningdragoon]

I only skimmed the other responses, so it may have been said, but anyway, here's what my mom did (and I thought this was just how things were done for quite a while). She took my dad's last name and her maiden name became her middle name. Not hyphenated, just bumped off her old middle name. Would be slightly more complicated if you went by your middle name for w/e reason, but still, it's a simple solution.

Keep you old name: check.
Family is all under the same name: check.

 

[Biosophilogical]

-snip-

Well maybe it should depend on your names? I mean, are they both 'normal' surnames, just long? As in, normal for your region/community/culture? Do you plan to give your children culturally-normal names, or not? I mean, if your last name is German, or French, or Indian, or something, and his is a more 'Western' surname, and you plan on calling your children "John" or "Adam" or something fairly typical/western/common/normal then you should probably go with the 'normal' last name, but if you want to call your children Pierre, or ... something less western, then the non-western surname would be better suited, so you don't have a kid called "John Valesgoobenschmortz".

Alternatively, pick the simplest or most 'approachable' last name (unless it is Smith, we don't need any more Smiths), or flip a coin. If both of you like your own name, flip a coin and have that name as the last name for any children you have (to get rid of any of this 'favouritism' bulls**t that would crop up if you gave them different surnames).

 

[Galliam]

one time me and my girlfriend discussed this. The conclusion we came to was NOT taking your husbands name was kind of a subtle "fuck you" and although I doubt that's how you see it when wanting to keep your name, it MAY be how he secretly feels about the situation. I know its how I would feel.

Upon discussion with several of my friends, they seem to basically agree with me too.

Something to think about.

We discussed this as well, and I understand not wanting to follow tradition can seem like a personal sting, but it's not intended as that. I want to keep my own name because it has meaning to me, I'm the only one in my family who will likely pass on my name, because I don't want to change my name on every legal piece of ID I own, and lastly, because I have some issues with being expected to abandon a piece of my identity because an old tradition says so. (An old tradition stepped in women giving up their families and becoming property no less). At any rate, if my Boyfriend moped about hurt feelings over me wanting to keep something that matters this much to me, I don't think I'd marry him to begin with. He had similar feelings at first, but he's come to understand that it's not really about not liking his name or commitment or anything, it's about my personal feelings about loosing a last name I love.

Well, I would tend to agree with you if I felt that those were the only reasons that taking your husband's name is a generally good thing. Is the idea taken from a time when women became "property" as you say? Maybe, but it doesn't sound to me like your future husband has ANY plans of viewing you as such. Many common traditions have somewhat dark and sinister bases, but that doesn't mean their distant origins make them bad for humanity or anything like that.

That being said, your fiance either truly doesn't care or isn't willing to risk the relationship on something so objectively small. But just think, if your name means a LOT to you what makes you think that his name means nothing to him (in regards to naming children) It sounds like you're an only child (I may be mistaken) and you're going to be the only one to pass a family name down the line. This is a great thought, but if my fiance expressed this desire, I'd be hurt that she didn't feel my name was worthy of her or her children. Marriage is an equal partnership, and its these subtleties that make one side feel inferior to the other.

Again, your fiance may be VERY willing to let you keep your name but I'm just wondering how truly committed to him you are.

The thing is, he gets to keep his name, no matter what. I never said I wanted him to take my name, and I really want his name to be passed down in some shape or form to our children as well. I want him to keep his identity as much as I get to keep mine. That's fair, equal, and is completely reasonable. That's why I'm struggling with this question to begin with. I want a solution that lets us both pass our names down.

Also, not an only child, just the only child that desires children.

Also also, you have no idea what our relationship is like, so please refrain from speculating on my commitment. Not cool, not helping your case, and not even close to accurate.

I wasn't really suggesting that you weren't committed. I was just saying its always good to evaluate your place in situations like this. Again, I try mostly to encourage thinking of other's feelings as I tend to find people ignore their partner's needs/desires.

I believe you're committed, but you asked the question and I told you what I thought. What I know about your relationship is what I can speculate from what you tell me. Don't get mad at me if what you say doesn't contain all the details.

Anyway, I think you should hyphenate, as that's the only real option I see for both of you passing on your name unless you decide you BOTH wanna take on a new name to pass onto your children. Like, a name that reflects both previous names. From what I gathered that's not really what you want, but it IS an interesting option. Part of passing on family names is making sure you can understand your family history, and a new family name would give you excellent opportunities to convey LOTS of family history to your children in a way that is relevant to them.

 

[BarbaricGoose]

Just name all your kids Charger. No last name, no middle name. Like Cher, but Charger. This way you won't have any issues. Charger also fits both genders.

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but this idea is flawless. This couldn't possibly backfire.

 

[Artina89]

You could do what my parents did; My middle name is my mother's maiden name while my last name is my father's. Same with my sister.

A friend of mine has his mother's maiden name as a middle name as well. That sounds like a plausible idea, if you don't want to hyphenate.

 

[EightGaugeHippo]

Let the child decide:

If you both have different eye colour... let that decide...

If you have the same eyes. Do it with hair colour...

If both of those are the same (or both different), just go with girl (your name) or boy (his name)

If you want to make it even better both your's and your partner's hair and eye colour are different...
best 2 out of three on all the above.

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

Roll the die. If you get the range you wanted, you get to keep your name. If not, you adopt theirs. Leave it all to luck... unless the dice is rigged. But that wouldn't be cool.