The worst thing to say at a funeral.

[crudus]

"No, I didn't know *name* I accidentally went to the wrong funeral and am just staying to pick up chicks."

"Who died and made you head of the household?"

"Remember that time when *name* said he could *insert reason for death*?...what? too soon?"

 

[I Stomp on Kittens]

"He was right, I should have called the ambulance"

 

[strangemoose]

so how much money do i get from ____?
thats my fav

 

[the_joker1112]

just let one rip during the molment of silence.

enough said.

 

[chiggerwood]

Ding dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead.

My brother actually sang that at my Great Grandmothers funeral, and no one had a problem with it.

 

[Stalk3rchief]

"I have a package for . Excuse me! I was told could be found here I have a package for him!."

Or

" Was a great man, tough as nails. Made it past the 3 to 4 hours and never consulted that doctor.>"

 

[Mr. Grey]

Probably along the lines of what Mark Twain did, not attend the funeral and send a letter stating I approve of it. That way I don't end up in the grave myself.

As to actually being there... Depends, if it was a cremation I'd ask if I can be the one to light him on fire. If to be buried into the Earth, I'd say "You're all going to regret that you didn't let me cremate him come Judgment Day and he digs himself out to eat your brains."

 

[Kurokami]

All i remember is laughing at a funeral once, Not cause i hated the guy, but he was a classmate and my principle whose renowned for his boring mono toned speeches went up to speak.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

"Has anyone got a knife and fork I could borrow? I seem to have left mine behind."

Put a cross inside the coffin if the person is a Atheist

LOL

I didn't know this but Catholics can perform an emergency baptism in that they baptise you within about 15 seconds. Hours of fun.

 

[Grampy_bone]

Ask the immediate family, "Which way to the open bar?" Say things like, "This place is lame, you wanna go somewhere else?" to grieving females. If there are none, complain loudly that "this place is a total sausage factory" or "jeez, what's with you people? It's like someone died or something."

Arrange a friend to call you so you can talk obnoxiously on your cellphone. "Hey what's up?" "No I'm not busy right now." "At a funeral." "No, he was a douche."

 

[Kingsman]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZHXKWRLAks

 

[Pegghead]

Good riddance to bad rubbish! Or if they were a gamer and you were their good friend you enscribe on their tombstone GAME OVER. Alternatively you could just say something very non-comforting like "Life goes on, 'cept for ___!"

EDIT: I just remembered that a guy at my school died the other week and his funerals this friday, I'm not going but it's just ironic that a thread like this pops up...tragic, but ironic.

 

[crudus]

"woot! I win the pool!"

 

[Undeadpool]

"I hit that."

 

[lukness]

I'd say "FAKE!"

 

[Kiju]

Lesse...

"I didn't know this was an emo convention. And yet everyone's wearing black and crying."

 

[steelguy17]

my girlfriends ex committed suicide. She was all torn up about it, and so I was talkin to her one day during work one day and my boss came by and saw me on the phone and told me to get off. When I did and he was talking to me afterward he said that she was gonna be the death of me, and he knew about the ex committing suicide thing

 

[tsb247]

*Turns to the crowd of mourners with a shocked look on face*

"Oh my God! Did you guys know there is a dead person in here?!"

If it's a chick...

"Hey, if you look really close, you can see her nipples."

 

[userwhoquitthesite]

"They did a really good job in the mortuary... I mean, I can't be the only one this turned on, right?"

 

[NimbleJack3]

"Who's this thingy for?"

Best evar.

Or get up during the eulogy/speech thing and start to say 'He/she was a great person, and I- (sotto voice to person next to you) What? Who is it then? Who? Never heard of 'em. Other side of the cemetery? Thanks.