Things to say when Jehovah's Witnesses are on your doorstep

[Trivun]

These are all completely hilarious. Which is why I wouldn't bother doing anything like this. I'd simply think of this thread in my head and burst out laughing. Considering I can laugh for ages without stopping (I once got kicked out of a lesson for ten minutes to calm down when I did that at school...), they'd soon leave, mystified and weirded out ;P.

 

[jelock]

My mother seemed to have gotten black listed by the JW's. They stopped coming to our house because she used to acutally invite them in and ask them questions, weird I know, but true.

 

[MrNickster]

I've said it once before, but here it is again;

When they start rambling, let them go for about 15 seconds, than start screaming like you're in some kind of terrible pain. Grab your head and flail about, still screaming. Suddenly stop, look at them with a look of pure malevolence and say in the most distorted voice you can 'This mortal's fate has already been decided'. Evil smile, close door.

I've never encountered one (Australia doesn't get any of them, but we do have a shit ton of hyper aggresive atheists), but I would love to do that.

 

[Flamezdudes]

"Yo sup. You heard of Zeus? ...Yeah, he's gonna thunderbolt you cus your not worshipping him enough."

 

[antigodoflife]

Invite them in.
Watch as their heads spin at someone actually inviting them in.

Do not follow this rule, guys. JW Missionaries are trained to stop you from kicking them out of your house until you're converted. You either have to call the police to get them out or lie to them, "saying that you've seen the error of your ways and are now a JW," then go have sex with a 75 year old diseased hooker to feel clean again.

 

[TehAudioSurfer]

I laughed at some of the responses in this thread, ironically I was raised in a JW household.

 

[Assassin Xaero]

Well, around here in the buckle of the bible belt, where everyone is psycho-baptist, if you tell them you are catholic they get this depressed/semi-mad look on their face and leave. As a side note, there is a jehovah's witness church at the end of my street... :/

Or, if you see them coming out the window, answer the door naked...

 

[Archer147]

Answer the door wearing black pants, white shirt and black tie carrying a stack of pamphlets.

"Ooh... Awkward."

 

[Ava Elzbieta]

"If, as you believe, God is only going to save 144000 people, why should I join you when there already over 7 million of you?"

*applause*
You, sir/ma'am, are the winner.

The Spongebob chocolate sales clip would be better if it featured Spongebob and Patrick being bilked by the better traveling salesman (especially in his final getup), which would also tie in nicely to what Aurgelmir was saying. Out-missionary the missionaries, I say.

 

[Onyx Oblivion]

I'm polite but I've always wanted to do something with Hypnotoad....

You called?

OT:

I never met one. I've found pamphlets in my door, though.

 

[HigherTomorrow]

"I respect your Religious beliefs, but I have beliefs of my own that I'd prefer not to be change. Thank you for your time, goodbye."

 

[Mr. Socky]

Having some knowledge of their religion, I'd probably say, "Are you one of the 144,000 who's going to go to heaven?" and then "If you don't know, why should I listen to you?"

 

[Ldude893]

Invite them in for a night of violent sex involving farm animals.

Dammit, another horrible internet related flashback.

 

[Cannorn]

I have spoken to them on a number of occasions just out of politeness and a desire to understand what they ACTUALLY preach outside of the cliche jokes (some of the nicest people I've met, at least while they are trying to "turn you anway lol)

It actually FRIGHTENS me how they really do take the bible LITTERALLY word for word.
At one point when asked what the passage "Grain will flow from the mountains and the blind shall see" meant to me, I went into a short bit about resources, ignorance etc and they looked at me pittyingly and explained slowly as if I was an idiot, no no it means grain will ACTUALLY flow out of the tops of mountains and blind people will get 20/20 vision.

Riiiiiiiiight.......

Oh yes and the whole no blood transfusions not even for my baby who needs one and can't object and will die without it....

 

[Neuromaster]

Don't say anything, just start beating your head against the wall. It worked for me.

I say to them as nice as possible "Sorry, I'm not interested. Thank you for your time."

There's no point giving them grief or acting like a knobhead.

True, but I think the point may be to get rid of them quickly. The ones around me, at least, don't take "not interested" for an answer.

What, they open the door and walk into your house?

"I'm not interested" *close door*

Done.

This. If they're aggressive enough to ring again or try to come in the door, grab your cell and inform them you're calling the police if they continue to harass you.

 

[General Recluse]

as soon as you open the door, point at their bible and drop to the floor spitting out like youre speaking in tounges

 

[Nicragomi]

I usually counter with "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" and that usually sends them running.