UPDATED!!!! Is she being selfish to want a baby??

[Nanaki316]

A baby should be a decision made by two people.
In my opinion if he's not using anything already then he is making the decision that she may be in the small percentage that fails pregnant despite being on the pill.
I have two children as a result of being on the pill AND using condoms. Scare ya?

If she traps him, she'll lose him. It's as simple as that. But if she really wants to do this nothing you do or say can stop her, so you'd have to go to him.
But you may end up losing her over it. Although one day she might realise why you had to do it.

 

[Valksy]

I am sure that this has been said but want to say it again - If he believes that she is on the "combined pill" and she stops taking it without telling him then she is being fucking dishonest.

If he has expressly stated that he would like to finish study and find a job (entirely understandable and applaudable aims) and she disregards that anyway then she is being fucking dishonest.

So yes. Selfish as hell and the relationship looks doomed to me if they are less than a year in and she is being this...well... dishonest.

 

[Denamic]

Too young.
She's under the influence of hormones.

 

[amucha98]

.

 

[PurplePlatypus]

Oh my god, no no no. You don?t pull that shit on people.
Tell him, tell him immediately, she doesn?t get to decide this by herself, he probably isn?t to bothered about condoms because she is on the pill. Hell, even if he doesn?t turn out to be bothered at all you still need to let your partner know if you aren?t going to use contraception anymore.

What kind of relationship is this that she won?t tell him?

 

[DYin01]

Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret

Fail. Fail, fail, a hundred times fail. You do not do things like this to your partner. That is complete and utter deceptive bullshit, which is clearly a great foundation for a relationship that's about to get bombed by a fucking accidental baby.

Seriously, what in the Hell is wrong with your friend?

Exactly this. You do not do this. Do NOT keep this a secret. I don't even want to know what's going on in the twisted brains of your mate because this just isn't right.

 

[AndyFromMonday]

I think the best thing to do would be to tell him as little as possible. Something along the lines of: You need to talk to her - she told me she has stopped taking birth control.

It is her choice to become pregnant and, as an adult, she can have a child whenever she so chooses. So she isn't doing anything legally wrong. That said, as a friend, I would tell him so he can make the choice for himself.

It's HER CHOICE!? What about the fucking consequences on her boyfriend? Shouldn't it be HIS choice as well? Does his opinion NOT MATTER when it comes to having HIS baby?!

And fuck being subtle. That guy needs to know ASAP what his girlfriend did. If she gets pregnant then both of their lives might be ruined and when that happens who's the one that will pay the most? The child.

Stop wasting time and TELL HIM. I cannot believe you are even friends with someone willing to do such a thing to her partner.

 

[Iznat]

If you're in a relationship long enough, and feel like you are ready to take the sexual aspect further, you end up talking about alternate means of contraception.

Yeah, if you're in a relationship "long enough", condoms become such a damn hassle and so the girl has to take all the responsibility for contraception.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that all of your relationships have been a series of complete fuck-ups.
For the record, any decent man would take an interest and ask to make sure that the method of contraception is agreeing with the girl, and that everything's ok.
Shame that everyone you've been near is an absolute ****.



TLDR: The selfish woman who wants a baby needs to talk to her boyfriend before she decides that her womb feels too empty.
Both women and men deserve to be involved in the baby making process - even if it's just the frakking decision.

 

[AndyFromMonday]

It is her choice to not take birth control, yes.

I didn't say it was a good idea.

I also said he should tell his friend as soon as possible so he could decide what he wanted to do.

No need to swear and carry on, friend.

No, it's not "her choice" just like it's not a guys choice in a relationship to take off the condom. You make choices as a couple and not as an individual. If you can't do that then what the fuck are you doing in a relationship?

But this, this is completely different. By "her choice" she can potentially ruin her life, her mates life and the child's life. It's no longer "her choice" the moment "her choice" can influence the well being of not only her but of 2 other goddamn people. This should be grounds for suing. She's basically tricking him into having a child.

 

[lokiduck]

After my friend went through the similar situation (everything turned out fine because his mother knocked some common sense into her that they should wait since the guy just wanted to wait till after he left the military then have kids.) my mom said perfectly...

"If you girlfriend voiced clearly that she wants to have a baby, and you don't, that means you really don't, then maybe you shouldn't trust the one wanting the kid with the protection. I mean trust is the most important thing but if you really don't feel ready for a baby then use protection such as a condom."

This does not mean of course that every guy will and in the end it is her fault if the guy pancis or has a miserable life due to her betrayal. Facts are, Trust not love is what holds a relationship together and being betrayed can ruin any relationship. But considering the guy is just having sex still with her and saying "if it happens, it happens" then in some way he is throwing his opinion away like my dad did and should maybe actually take things seriously.

As a girl I feel that a women has a choice, but the man does too because BOTH parties are responsible, since I am a feminist that believes in equality to both sides and not blaming one usually... but in this case it is her fault for responding to her desires and not talking with him fully about this. Like some have pointed it partially his, but fully hers.


My advice: Tell her to talk to him and explain that not will pretty much ruin what trust they do have, since Trust is important most of all. If she doesn't then tell him and maybe that will wake him up to what's going on and he'll really considering whether to start taking precautions talk it out with her. His plan makes total sense and maybe he can convince her to agree. If not then he can always not have sex, break up with her, or use protection even if it doesn't always work..

 

[loremazd]

She doesn't really want a baby, if she did she could wait 2 years just fine, assured that he wants one too.

No, she is afraid of losing him, thus the hurridness. The baby is a way of ensuring he has a responsibility to remain with her.

That or she has a mental illness.

 

[Kurokami]

*sigh*... My mate has just left, and im at a loss of what to say or do now so i'll ask you guys.

My mate is 19, same as me though will be turning 20 in December. She is in a long term relationship with a great guy, they've been together for 9months now and he's just turned 20 this month.
She came to me confused as she's decided she wants a baby and knew that i do also so thought i could help. Her partner is willing for kids as is mine, but, like mine, he wants to finish his Uni course and get a full time job. He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant, but scared at what it could do to them. She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Here is my dilemma...

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course. He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it. I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Ive decided to ask you all this as i know there are adults and probably broody teens on here who can tell me what i should do, or at least persuade her she's being unreasonable and unfair to him at this time. Or maybe im just paranoid =/

EDIT: Failed to mention they're living together also in a 2 bed flat.

Is her life a bit... Pointless at the moment? I only ask because this is a pretty drastic undertaking, I suggest explaining to her rationally that she's risking the father's future, or if she doesn't grip that then HER future with him.

Failing that, please for the love of god, inform the guy. If he's a great guy I'm sure it wouldn't result in a breakup, considering he doesn't mind pregnancy or w/e too I doubt he'll have a huge reaction to it.

 

[AndyFromMonday]

It is her choice to stop taking birth control.

Legally she has done nothing wrong.

Yeah, her actions could hurt people, but it is still her choice.

I'm not endorsing the behavior - I think it's a terrible idea.

The moment her actions can pretty much destroy 2 lives it's no longer "her choice".

 

['Aredor]

So you are saying that we should assume that every woman who comes along is an axe crazy ***** who is immediately trying to trap you by tricking you into knocking her up?

I'm saying that if you personally don't want children, then YOU PERSONALLY are responsible for making sure that doesn't happen. It boggles my mind that people don't understand that this applies to men as well as women.

But isn't that a very cynical position? I know it's not necessarily the case here, but let's assume the guy is in a relationship with this girl he trusts, and she says to him "don't worry about protection, honey, I'm on the pill". He's not forcing her to take that pill, she claims to have no problem with it.

Are you really telling me that if he doesn't want to have kids, he's got to say to himself "fuck what she says, I'm putting on a rubber, she might be trying to trick me"? You're basically saying that it's foolish to trust your partner, and that you've only to blame yourself if she screws you over.

Sure he'll regret not having done it once he finds out. Just like he'll regret ever having trusted her. Sure you could say "if he's dumb enough to be with someone like that, he's got it coming", but all that doesn't make what she did right, does it?

OT: I think you should try to convince her to tell him, remind her that he trusts her and that she's betraying that trust, maybe even point out that it's quite cruel to exploit his naivety like that.

 

[DYin01]

It is her choice to stop taking birth control.

Legally she has done nothing wrong.

Yeah, her actions could hurt people, but it is still her choice.

I'm not endorsing the behavior - I think it's a terrible idea.

The moment her actions can pretty much destroy 2 lives it's no longer "her choice".

Doesn't matter how much you dislike it, hun, it is still her choice; there is no law against not taking birth control and failing to tell a sexual partner.

Legality has nothing to do with this. This is a question of morals and ethics and what she's doing is wrong on both fronts.

Sidenote: I don't know if you're aware of it, but I think 'hun' sounds incredibly condescending in this context, like you're talking to a child who doesn't know better.