Two muffins in an oven, one of them says
"Wow it is getting hot in here!"
Other one says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
"Wow it is getting hot in here!"
Other one says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
what is the greatest joke you have ever heard?
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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest.
They come across a genie, who, in typical fashion, grants them each three wishes.
The bear says, "For my first wish, I want to be the most attractive bear in the world." The genie says, "Good choice," and turns him into a fine-looking bear.
The rabbit says, "For my first wish, I want an awesome motorcycle helmet."
The bear and the genie look at him, and the genie remarks, "You know...you can have anything in the world. Are you sure this is what you want?" The rabbit nods enthusiastically, and suddenly he is wearing a gold-plated helmet engraved with flames and lightning bolts.
The bear then says, "Now for my second wish, not only do I want to be the most good-looking bear in the world, but I also wish that all female bears were attracted to me and only me." The genie grins, and a subtle change comes over the forest that feels slightly like countless numbers of bears have all turned in one direction.
The rabbit then says, "For my second wish, I want a kickass motorcycle." The genie raises his eyebrow and once again says, "Is that the best you can think of? I can give you anything." The rabbit once again states his wish, and the genie sighs, materializing a jacked-up motorcycle with flames periodically shooting out of the tailpipe.
The bear clears his throat and says, "For my final wish, not only do I want to be the world's most attractive bear and have all female bears attracted to only me, but I want every other bear in the world to be female."
The genie claps his hands and shouts, "Good wish!" and the deed is done.
Suddenly, the rabbit tightens his helmet, jumps on his motorcycle, revs the engine, and as he's speeding away, he screams back:
It took me five minutes to stop laughing when I first heard that one.
They come across a genie, who, in typical fashion, grants them each three wishes.
The bear says, "For my first wish, I want to be the most attractive bear in the world." The genie says, "Good choice," and turns him into a fine-looking bear.
The rabbit says, "For my first wish, I want an awesome motorcycle helmet."
The bear and the genie look at him, and the genie remarks, "You know...you can have anything in the world. Are you sure this is what you want?" The rabbit nods enthusiastically, and suddenly he is wearing a gold-plated helmet engraved with flames and lightning bolts.
The bear then says, "Now for my second wish, not only do I want to be the most good-looking bear in the world, but I also wish that all female bears were attracted to me and only me." The genie grins, and a subtle change comes over the forest that feels slightly like countless numbers of bears have all turned in one direction.
The rabbit then says, "For my second wish, I want a kickass motorcycle." The genie raises his eyebrow and once again says, "Is that the best you can think of? I can give you anything." The rabbit once again states his wish, and the genie sighs, materializing a jacked-up motorcycle with flames periodically shooting out of the tailpipe.
The bear clears his throat and says, "For my final wish, not only do I want to be the world's most attractive bear and have all female bears attracted to only me, but I want every other bear in the world to be female."
The genie claps his hands and shouts, "Good wish!" and the deed is done.
Suddenly, the rabbit tightens his helmet, jumps on his motorcycle, revs the engine, and as he's speeding away, he screams back:
"I WISH THE BEAR WAS GAY!"
ok this was isnt really a joke but its funny as hell
ok so me and my freinds were sitting around talking about if we were a family what members each of us would be (long story) so what of my freinds we agreed was like the cool uncle that everyone likes one of my other freinds was the daughter cause she never does what anybody says and another freind was the grandfather that is afraid to say anything and i was compared to to a dad . so anyways so after this was done my freind goes if shes the daughter and im the grandfather does that mean she can sit on my lap? lol
ok so me and my freinds were sitting around talking about if we were a family what members each of us would be (long story) so what of my freinds we agreed was like the cool uncle that everyone likes one of my other freinds was the daughter cause she never does what anybody says and another freind was the grandfather that is afraid to say anything and i was compared to to a dad . so anyways so after this was done my freind goes if shes the daughter and im the grandfather does that mean she can sit on my lap? lol
Two hunters go hunting in the forest. After hours of hunting, they decide to go home. But, they get lost. So, one hunter says to the other "I have an idea! We'll fire three shots and wait. If no one hears us or finds us, we'll just fire three more shots, until someone finds and rescues us." So one fires three shots and they wait for half an hour, and no one finds them. Then the other fires three shots, they wait half an hour, and no one finds them. This happnes three more times. Finally, the second hunter says, "Man, I hope someone finds us soon, we're down to our last three arrows."
I laughed for several minutes when hearing this.
Also:
"What's red and smells like blue paint?"
"Red paint."
I laughed for several minutes when hearing this.
Also:
"What's red and smells like blue paint?"
"Red paint."
ok so heres some one liners
what do people and jellybeans have in common
nobody likes the black ones
whats the differnce between beer nut and deer nuts
beer nuts are a 1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck
how do you get an old lady to scream F***
have someone next to her scream bingo
what happens when a jew walks into a wall with an erection
he breaks hes nose
what does a white guy see when he looks at his family tree
a straight line
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.
how do you blind an asian
dental floss
with these jokes i was equally rascist so that makes me not rascist at all which i think is funny o wait i need one ( or 2) for the gays
how do you fit for gay guys on a stool
turn it upside down
4 gay guys are in a hottub sperm rises 2 the waters surface
one turns around and says who farted?
what do people and jellybeans have in common
nobody likes the black ones
whats the differnce between beer nut and deer nuts
beer nuts are a 1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck
how do you get an old lady to scream F***
have someone next to her scream bingo
what happens when a jew walks into a wall with an erection
he breaks hes nose
what does a white guy see when he looks at his family tree
a straight line
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.
how do you blind an asian
dental floss
with these jokes i was equally rascist so that makes me not rascist at all which i think is funny o wait i need one ( or 2) for the gays
how do you fit for gay guys on a stool
turn it upside down
4 gay guys are in a hottub sperm rises 2 the waters surface
one turns around and says who farted?
That is incredibly harsh and rather funnyAmnestic said:
I have huge respect for Hammond But I admit to laughing at that cause it was so......dark
A guy is sitting in a bar, when he is approached by a prostitute.
She sits down next to him, and whispers in his ear: "For a hundred dollars I'll do ANYTHING you can describe in three words"
The guy thinks about his for a while.
He then happily takes out his wallet, hands the hooker a bill and says: "Paint my house".
Some great jokes on here, by the way. I really liked the one about the goatlover.
She sits down next to him, and whispers in his ear: "For a hundred dollars I'll do ANYTHING you can describe in three words"
The guy thinks about his for a while.
He then happily takes out his wallet, hands the hooker a bill and says: "Paint my house".
Some great jokes on here, by the way. I really liked the one about the goatlover.
A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, I think somebody made a typo.
So a guy walks into asearch bar...
The bartender says, I think somebody made a typo.
So a guy walks into a
I dunno, i have never really understood the appeal of stand up, but I am not going to go around and dictate to people my opinion as fact. I like it when other people do the same for me, so thanksAmnestic said:
Eddy Izzard is pretty cool, he did that running thing where he did a shit load of marathons in a short period of time for charity, i have a lot of respect for him
A man is a boarding and house and is taking a shower, he notices that there is no soap and asks the proprietor if she can lend him some. She says
and these are bit vulgar
"No soap radio"
and these are bit vulgar
We had a dog born with two vaginas so we named her Snatches.
also
I saw some ************ working at Taco bell, his name tag said Oedipus
also
I saw some ************ working at Taco bell, his name tag said Oedipus
Surely something from Fawlty Towers, or.......
"Peter your still drinking? Its 7 o'clock."
"Thanks for the update big ben....."
"nice...."
I dont know why, but it makes me laugh whenever i hear it
"Peter your still drinking? Its 7 o'clock."
"Thanks for the update big ben....."
"nice...."
I dont know why, but it makes me laugh whenever i hear it
Ok, bit of a long one here.
A military plane is flying along at a low speed, when all of a sudden it goes into a nose dive. Panicked, the people inside try to throw out a pistol to lower the weight inside, but it doesnt work. Seeing this (and realising how little difference that would have made anyway), they throw out an assault rifle, but still nothing. Eventually, they heave out a large bomb. This is enough of a weight reduction to make the plane come out of it's nosedive.
Later on, the passengers are passing through a village in thier jeep, when they come to a crying boy. When they ask what's wrong, it turns out a pistol landed on the kids head. Further on, they see a family outside reporting something to the police - from what the milatary peoeple can gather, an assault rifle smashed through their window. Obviously, they're somewhat concerned about this, and what could have became of the last thing they flung out. They're however distracted by another child, laughing his ass off. When they ask what's so funny, he responds - "You wont beleive this, but I farted and my house blew up!"
A military plane is flying along at a low speed, when all of a sudden it goes into a nose dive. Panicked, the people inside try to throw out a pistol to lower the weight inside, but it doesnt work. Seeing this (and realising how little difference that would have made anyway), they throw out an assault rifle, but still nothing. Eventually, they heave out a large bomb. This is enough of a weight reduction to make the plane come out of it's nosedive.
Later on, the passengers are passing through a village in thier jeep, when they come to a crying boy. When they ask what's wrong, it turns out a pistol landed on the kids head. Further on, they see a family outside reporting something to the police - from what the milatary peoeple can gather, an assault rifle smashed through their window. Obviously, they're somewhat concerned about this, and what could have became of the last thing they flung out. They're however distracted by another child, laughing his ass off. When they ask what's so funny, he responds - "You wont beleive this, but I farted and my house blew up!"