Why get into a relationship if you don't intend to go long-term?

[Jaeke]

There's something I've been thinking about for a few hours now, and I wanted to express and get some perspective on my thoughts on relationships.

I'm 24 years old. I've been dating since I was seventeen. I've always only looked for marriage-material girls and, later, women. I don't like casual dating, preferring a stable relationship with hopes of a solid future.
I'm far from a stalker or one of those lunatics who names their children three weeks into the relationship. I'm yet to so much as live with a girlfriend.

But I don't get relationships (I hesitate to use that term here) that are just 'playing around' or 'casual dating'. If both people are happy in their relationship, whatever stage it's at or what they do together, there's nothing wrong with that, from casual fucking to marriage, and I appreciate getting to know one another to see where it goes, but after a few years in a relationship, why do people still say no to proposals or won't propose, or think 'I don't think I'd want to marry him/her' - I know it takes time and care to make that decision but if you're going to say no, and if one person wants something and the other doesn't, why bother with the relationship?

This is pretty much a drooling rant, and I'm not bitchy about something happening to me. I'm very happy relationship-wise.

When I turn 18 I will be gone for 2 years on my missionary calling and as the men of my church say "Money spent on a woman before your mission is money spent on another man's wife."

So I am the least to say a bit depressed about this outlook on relationships that I now have, but it's what I've got.

... because teenage girls are full of shit. They're immature, stupid, emotionally unstable and unpredictable.

Well thanks for that hidden nugget of suprise seriously though, thanks for the input.

It's a shame what my generation has evolved itself into. It's become based around the belief that life is something that is tangible against both yourself and others; that you can alter your own life by forcing others to recognize yours; to defend your own life by attacking others'.

I am well aware of all that you said. I hate being a guy to talk over others but I've had others tell me and I agree that I have an old soul. I try to be as insightful as I can, the one word that I tend to live by:perspective, which means that I take huge steps back to look at the world around me. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, I know that I will matter and not matter to people, that I'll impact the world but will probably never affect it, that I can make better for myself by preparing for the future, that, yes, you do only live once but you shouldn't go spend it doing stupid things that won't degrade and harm it.

I typically can make friends just as well with females as I do with males(though for some reason they're usually older than me), and like I said, I have taken steps back to gain more perspective on how relationships are seen in eyes of both male and female, and I'm confident that I know enough to know what I'm doing and stay quick on my feet. Though for all my "insight", it has caused me to see myself in a different light, and this has changed me a lot. I've gone from straight up sociopath running from my home, avoiding human contact, constantly fighting to 4.0 honors student, involved in my church, and physically peaked. There's still a lot for me to learn and see. Again, I really am humbled by your words, and thank you, but I know the plan I have set for myself and hopefully stick to. I know I've got a hell of a way to go but I'll toughen up for it. Or at least try to...

 

[Jaeke]

For fun, simply put. And to expect a relationship to last forever is just unrealistic.

But why? If the other person in the relationship sees it the same way then why not expect it to last a lifetime. Yeah sure you'd be hardpressed to find that, but you could if you tried.

 

[Jaeke]

The real question is WHY it should/have to be long-term?

WHY can't a couple just love each other, not have kids, and not get married, and just be together?

Because there is no change, no progression. You can either regress or progress, but you can't stay static, that is nature. Marriage is the pennicle of progression, that you have forever promised your life to be intertwined with anothers' for the future, that you both will advance life together and progress alongside each other, for better or worse.

An object in motion will stay in motion and all that... if it stays still it falls apart.

 

[PatrickXD]

I can't picture myself getting married. Staying faithful just doesn't feel in my nature. That doesn't mean I'll cheat on a partner, just that I won't stick by them forever. I find that - even with friends - I can only remain close to someone for around 2, maybe 3 years before I just look at them and think... 'meh'. I don't feel obligated to stay with someone who doesn't provide me with any sort of mental gratification. If conversation turns dry, if all the facets of our lives worth mentioning are exposed, if nothing new is to be discovered then I'm going to leave.
Looking for one partner to spend my life with just doesn't seem an attractive prospect at all. I want to find someone to have fun with for a couple years, then move off on my own for a bit. Sure, maybe at some point my views will change. Maybe someday I'll meet that 'special someone' - or at least someone special enough to stick to - and do the whole family schtick, but I think if all you do is seek that from your relationships then you're missing out on a whole 'cross-section' of life.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

There's something I've been thinking about for a few hours now, and I wanted to express and get some perspective on my thoughts on relationships.

I'm 24 years old. I've been dating since I was seventeen. I've always only looked for marriage-material girls and, later, women. I don't like casual dating, preferring a stable relationship with hopes of a solid future.
I'm far from a stalker or one of those lunatics who names their children three weeks into the relationship. I'm yet to so much as live with a girlfriend.

But I don't get relationships (I hesitate to use that term here) that are just 'playing around' or 'casual dating'. If both people are happy in their relationship, whatever stage it's at or what they do together, there's nothing wrong with that, from casual fucking to marriage, and I appreciate getting to know one another to see where it goes, but after a few years in a relationship, why do people still say no to proposals or won't propose, or think 'I don't think I'd want to marry him/her' - I know it takes time and care to make that decision but if you're going to say no, and if one person wants something and the other doesn't, why bother with the relationship?

This is pretty much a drooling rant, and I'm not bitchy about something happening to me. I'm very happy relationship-wise.

I honestly am trying to grasp that concept myself. I guess some people don't like waiting for sex or spooning?

I mean I took my time and waited until I found a girl that seemed like my type. Then there was a waiting period to see if shes the type I would marry before sex ever entered the picture. We would cuddle and I would "satisfy her" and give her attention, but never sex. Nothing that would threaten our relationship with a baby.

I was losing relationships because of it. I'd go 6 months without sex (not that hard when your a virgin) and had my GF practically begging for me to put out. I just couldn't do it, because if a kid pops out and shes not someone I want to be with, my life is over.

It took me until I was 22 to find someone I liked enough to have sex with. Of course the irony is she turned out to be a total whore and was cheating with like 5 other people Granted I knew she had a bf so I was one of the cheaters too, I just had stopped caring. It seemed like the "bad boys" were getting all the great girls.

But I digress, my point is from what I've seen here most people based on passed polls in this forum can't even wait until their 17th birthday so we still are in the "weirdos" even in the geek world.

EDIT: I understand there is no such thing as a permanent relationship. A valuable quote from Lex and Terry (of all places) "All relationships end, either through breaking up or someone dying." I get that, thats not why I waited and am so picky.

I am an honorable man. If I get a woman pregnant I will stick by and raise that child. That is what I've been told is the right thing to do. So when I have sex with someone I want to make damn sure I can stand being with them for the rest of my life.

Also having all these sex partners makes me feel a little used up. I'm not saying having orgies or whatever is wrong its just not for me. Yes I'm sure having only 1 other sex partner besides your wife can make you miss out on certain things, but I just can't see it any other way.

 

[Soraryuu]

Because a lot of people, including me, believe there's more to love than finding an eternal life partner.

It's just another type of relationship. And while some relationships might last your whole life, a whole lot of them don't.

If I'm attracted to someone, the feeling's mutual, and I know they're a good person, I'm going to get into a relationship with them. It might last for a few weeks, it might last for years, what's important is that we appreciate the time we spend with each other.

Speaking of attraction, this is a pretty handy illustration of the different types [http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m366elTLrw1qbtg0uo1_1280.jpg].

 

[Smeatza]

In the words of Reginald D. Hunter. "More and more men are avoiding getting married, due to the rise of the internet and media, and in turn becoming more aware that picking badly will result in them being financially buttfucked for the rest of their lives."
In short, the less you have committed to the relationship, the less you have to lose when it ends.

There's a practical reason.

 

[shrekfan246]

Snip the wall of text.

I'm genuinely curious here, are you a pretty seriously religious person?

OT: Because girls are soft, and cuddly, and they smell nice, and they make the most adorable noises...

Seriously though, I'm probably not really the right person to answer that question, because I've been in an on-again-off-again relationship with the same girl for six years now, with a few flings thrown in during the off-again times.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Wow, hello. I've always appreciated advice from my elders (no offense; you're not exactly old), and no exception here.

This is a somewhat cynical perspective on relationships but I've had my share of brutally shitty ones, most at my own fault, so I see where you're coming from.

How dare you imply I'm old! If I wasn't so achey and tired I'd come over there and smack you with my orthopedic pillow!

Did what I wrote really come off as CYNICAL? I thought was being almost embarrassingly floral and overly romantic.

 

[MetalMagpie]

Because relationships are fun. Just because you don't want to commit to this person for forever, doesn't mean you can't get a lot out of a relationship with them.

When I got together with my ex, I already knew he wasn't my "Mr Right". But he taught me a lot about relationships (and about myself) and I have no regrets. And besides, the sex was good.

 

[Meatspinner]

I'm guessing people are more interested in intimacy and less in making decisions that will affect the rest of their lives.

Seems pretty normal to me.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

Snip the wall of text.

I'm genuinely curious here, are you a pretty seriously religious person?

OT: Because girls are soft, and cuddly, and they smell nice, and they make the most adorable noises...

Seriously though, I'm probably not really the right person to answer that question, because I've been in an on-again-off-again relationship with the same girl for six years now, with a few flings thrown in during the off-again times.

Actually no while I am open minded enough to be consider agnostic, but I lean more towards atheism.
Why?

 

[shrekfan246]

Actually no while I am open minded enough to be consider agnostic, but I lean more towards atheism.
Why?

Interesting.

Oh, why? Most of the people I've met who hold that view-point on this type of subject are usually raised with heavily religious morals. But then, I suppose I haven't met a lot of the people who live on this planet.

Anyway, I do partly agree with your view. I'm not really one to go out and have casual sex with people, and I don't particularly like girls who are into that type of thing. There are certainly plenty of ways to reduce the chance of pregnancy though, and I definitely don't feel like a person should just stay with another person even if they don't like each other, just because they had a child together.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Yes I'm sure having only 1 other sex partner besides your wife can make you miss out on certain things, but I just can't see it any other way.

It can actually be counter productive if eternal monogamy is your goal. People who have never 'shopped around' (so to speak) are much more likely to suffer from doubt and grass is greener syndrome later in life, and much less likely to appreciate what they have. Those with a lot of relationship and life experience have a far stronger grasp on the ups and downs of relationships, a better understanding of what they like and don't like, and a deeper realization of the truism that no one is perfect and the dangers inherent in the initial surge of chemical attraction you get when you meet someone new.

 

[Jaeke]

The real question is WHY it should/have to be long-term?

WHY can't a couple just love each other, not have kids, and not get married, and just be together?

Because there is no change, no progression. You can either regress or progress, but you can't stay static, that is nature. Marriage is the pennicle of progression, that you have forever promised your life to be intertwined with anothers' for the future, that you both will advance life together and progress alongside each other, for better or worse.

An object in motion will stay in motion and all that... if it stays still it falls apart.

Ok so when you get married and have kids, what then? I mean if all relationships need to continuously progress or fall apart why isn't there a higher percentage of retirees getting divorced?

Like I said, two people choose to progress together.

Having kids is a huge step in this progression, and the two parents will now have a lifetime goal together to raising that kid. Like I said two people married having kids will always have something going on that they accomplish as a couple.

Why don't retirees have higher divorce rates? Exactly. They don't, because the view of couples in society have changed in the past decades.

Say if you're +60 you were probably dating in the late 60's or so (part of the baby boomer generation), and back then marriages were seen as something to be respectful towards, it was something that was never questioned if the couple was together long enough, it had just always been this way as far as tradition goes. Now only being 15 I'm not going to say I am a voice for that era obviously, but the way I see it marriage has now become seen as a chore in modern day society, people are now able to collectively mass ideas and practices that were once very hidden and blocked from society, due to the internet and social networking (which isn't a bad thing persay, it has opened doors toward a better planet, just look at Egypt). which is a shame for people like me who are exclusively looking for life-time relationships :\

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Because there is no change, no progression. You can either regress or progress, but you can't stay static, that is nature. Marriage is the pinnacle of progression, that you have forever promised your life to be intertwined with anothers' for the future, that you both will advance life together and progress alongside each other, for better or worse.

An object in motion will stay in motion and all that... if it stays still it falls apart.

Oh good grief. No.

Marriage is not the "pinnacle" of anything. It is a legal/social contract. The emotional/psychological components that underpin the concept of marriage occur with or without that contract.

There is no such thing as a static relationship. It is ALWAYS in a state of growth and change whether you get married or not. That you believe two people suddenly become static, fixed entities in the absence of a social/religious pact is utterly baffling, because you seem to be of sound mind.

There is no rule of progression in relationships. Relationships are not RPGs. You don't need to level up your relationship in order to keep it sound. This is a ludicrous notion.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

For sex. It feels good, in case you havnt heard.

Quoted for emphasis.... definitely this!

Also to find more about yourself, and your own likes and needs![footnote] Note: Getting together with someone you don't beleive is 'the one' isn't the same as getting with someone you don't like... because you are bored![/footnote]

Having short term relationship with a few different people is the best way to learn what different people respond to, and more importantly what you like and respond to, which makes it easier to find someone you REALLY like!