worst joke you've ever told

[Ambi]

All of them. I'm bad at telling anything funny and I'm not witty enough for dry humor.

Although, when I was five and didn't really understand jokes, I tried to invent some with absolutely no pun or anything remotely funny or clever. "Why did Pinky and the Brain want paper? To build a paper mouse house!" My sister laughed, but explained that it wasn't actually funny.

 

[Jelly ^.^]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's me tractor?"

 

[Grafin Drachen]

My contribution:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
- Nacho cheese

When is a door, a jar?
- When it?s opened.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
- Close the door I am dressing!

What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
- A Slipper.

What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it?
- H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.

Why don't witches have babies?
- Because their husbands have Haloweenies.

And last but not least.... *Drum roll please!!*

The chicken and the egg were lying in bed together, smoking cigarettes. The chicken leans over to the egg and says, "Well, I guess we answered *that* question!"

 

[Krinku]

Why did I divide sin by tan?

just cos(I felt horrible after saying this lol)

Germany invaded Poland? I did not Nazi that coming

The Irish must be rich because their Capitol is always Dublin

 

[sylekage]

SNIIIIIIP

I read that whole thing, and got so enthralled I forgot where I was reading it. But that was a glorious set up.

You get a hundred internets and my respect.

OT:
A duck walks into a bar, asks the bartender "Hey do you have any grapes?"

The bartender looks at him and says "this is a bar, we don't serve grapes! get out of here!"
The duck walks out of the bar.

The next day, the duck returns and says "hey do you have any grapes?"

The bartender looks at him and say "Listen, I told you once we don't serve grapes here, if you come back, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!!"

The duck walks out, not saying a word.

The very next day, the duck comes back, looks the bartender straight in the eyes "do you have any nails?"

The bartender says "No, why the hell would I have nails?"

The duck grins, looks at the bartender again.

"Have any grapes?"

 

[lettucethesallad]

- What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
- Ba na na naaa.

The guy with the workspace next to mine at school drives me insane with crappy jokes.

 

[Quazimofo]

The worst joke I've told, well I tell so many bad half-jokes it's hard to pick one, would be.
"...Okay, I've got a plan, we've got guns right? And bullets kill things right? And Zombies are things right? And Guns shoot bullets right? So let's use guns."

Worst joke of all time? Look no further: http://www.thetolkienforum.com/showthread.php?18654-Nate-the-Snake (read the entire thing)

oh dear god! that was actually a pretty nice story but the ending.... jesus that was so stupid. but hey, it made me giggle a little bit, so totally worth the hour it took to read (my brother was kind of distracting, made it harder to focus on it)

 

[USSR]

SNIIIIIIP

I read that whole thing, and got so enthralled I forgot where I was reading it. But that was a glorious set up.

You get a hundred internets and my respect.

Why thank you!
The story itself is indeed a marvelous build up, I enjoyed reading it my first time

Sad to say not many people give it a second glance, but I'm glad to see curiosity sparks determination to read that little story, lol..

 

[leady129]

What do you call a long line: Far queue
What do you call a distant ruler: Far King
What do you call a man lost at sea: F**ked
.........................................................................
Confucius say: Man who piss into wind - will get wet.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy
Man with hand in pocket - may feel cocky
..........................................................................
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver:
The golfer goes: *whack... ... ... "SHIT!!!"
The skydiver goes: "SHIT!!!" ... ... ... *whack


Not my shining moments in humor-making.

 

[Lilitu]

What is green and runs through the woods?

Spoiler

A pack cucumbers.

What is green and jumps through the woods?

Spoiler

A horde peas.

 

[ExileNZ]

I'll do a worse one I heard just the other day - it's in French and mildly mis-pronounced (sorry, it doesn't work in English except that the French have a hard time with "th"):

Tu connais Bluetoufe (Bluetooth)? C'est ce qui pousse sur la moule de Schtroumphette.

TADA!!!

 

[ExileNZ]

What do you call a long line: Far queue
What do you call a distant ruler: Far King
What do you call a man lost at sea: F**ked
.........................................................................
Confucius say: Man who piss into wind - will get wet.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy
Man with hand in pocket - may feel cocky
..........................................................................
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver:
The golfer goes: *whack... ... ... "SHIT!!!"
The skydiver goes: "SHIT!!!" ... ... ... *whack


Not my shining moments in humor-making.

I dunno, I kinda liked the skydiving one.

 

[Nouw]

Man this thread is hilarious. Ones I genuinely laughed at.

- What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?
- Ba na na naaa.

Why did I divide sin by tan?

just cos(I felt horrible after saying this lol)

Germany invaded Poland? I did not Nazi that coming

The Irish must be rich because their Capitol is always Dublin

 

[Biosophilogical]

Guy number 1: why is there a staring wheel on your crotch?
Guy number 2:ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!....check and mate...

Two muffins are cooking in an oven. The first muffin says "Wow, I am totally baked. How 'bout you?", to which the second replies "OMG it's a talking muffin!".

 

[Vangaurd227]

Guy number 1: why is there a staring wheel on your crotch?
Guy number 2:ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!....check and mate...

Two muffins are cooking in an oven. The first muffin says "Wow, I am totally baked. How 'bout you?", to which the second replies "OMG it's a talking muffin!".

It seems i have been 1-up'd. good game sir i do declare!

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

hitler? i hardly even know her!

 

[RuralGamer]

Spoiler: Did you ever hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.

That's one of the worst jokes I know.

 

[Serving UpSmiles]

*goes to a party dressed as a pirate*

*go to every girl and ask*

"Arrrrrrrrgggggggg you single!

 

[tzimize]

I kicked a robot in the groin once.

It made a "wang" sound.

~Tom<3

Wahahahahaah! Adorable. I love bad jokes. It really is possible to be bad enough to be good. Moarboarwantsmoar.

 

[Mitjer]

This pretty bad but...

Man Number 1: How many holes does a girl have?
Man Number 2: Do you have a knife?

Just to save myself

Man Number 1: How do you kill a circus?
Man Number 2: I don't know, how do you kill a circus?
Man Number 1: Go for the jugular