Your favourite joke!
- Thread starter The Undoer
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I like surrealist jokes
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
Why is a spoon?
Because there are no bones in ice cream
Why is a duck?
Because one of its legs is both the same
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
What's blue and white and climbs trees?
A fridge wearing jeans, I lied about it climbing trees.
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
Why is a spoon?
Because there are no bones in ice cream
Why is a duck?
Because one of its legs is both the same
Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
What's blue and white and climbs trees?
A fridge wearing jeans, I lied about it climbing trees.
Alright... You asked for itOld Trailmix said:I'd love some.Dark knifer said:Ah, dead baby jokes I used to love them. Let me see if I still remember some...Old Trailmix said:
If you want more just askHow many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javalin through it's head.
How do you save a drowning baby?
With a harpoon gun.
How do you get 1000 babies in a bucket?
With a blender.
What is funnier then a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
How do you make a baby crawl faster?
Chase it with a lawn mower.
How do you know if a baby is dead?
If it doesn't cry when you nail it's feet to the ceiling
What is more fun then tieing a baby to a clothesline and spinning it around at 200mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What is the difference to a truck filled with bowling balls and a truck filled with babies?
You can't unload a truck filled with bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What is white and red and hangs from a power line?
A dead baby shot through a snow blower.
Why do you stic a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on it's face.
What is pink and red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in the corner?
The same baby 6 weeks later.
What do you get a dead baby for it's birthday?
A dead dog.
How do you know if a baby is dead?
The dog plays with it more.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper.
Last one: What is red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with it's fot nailed to the floor.
Chase it with a lawn mower.
How do you know if a baby is dead?
If it doesn't cry when you nail it's feet to the ceiling
What is more fun then tieing a baby to a clothesline and spinning it around at 200mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What is the difference to a truck filled with bowling balls and a truck filled with babies?
You can't unload a truck filled with bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What is white and red and hangs from a power line?
A dead baby shot through a snow blower.
Why do you stic a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on it's face.
What is pink and red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in the corner?
The same baby 6 weeks later.
What do you get a dead baby for it's birthday?
A dead dog.
How do you know if a baby is dead?
The dog plays with it more.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper.
Last one: What is red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with it's fot nailed to the floor.
That was awesome.Dark knifer said:Alright... You asked for itOld Trailmix said:I'd love some.Dark knifer said:Ah, dead baby jokes I used to love them. Let me see if I still remember some...Old Trailmix said:
If you want more just askHow many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javalin through it's head.
How do you save a drowning baby?
With a harpoon gun.
How do you get 1000 babies in a bucket?
With a blender.
What is funnier then a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
Hope that satisfyies your sick needsHow do you make a baby crawl faster?
Chase it with a lawn mower.
How do you know if a baby is dead?
If it doesn't cry when you nail it's feet to the ceiling
What is more fun then tieing a baby to a clothesline and spinning it around at 200mph?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What is the difference to a truck filled with bowling balls and a truck filled with babies?
You can't unload a truck filled with bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What is white and red and hangs from a power line?
A dead baby shot through a snow blower.
Why do you stic a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on it's face.
What is pink and red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in the corner?
The same baby 6 weeks later.
What do you get a dead baby for it's birthday?
A dead dog.
How do you know if a baby is dead?
The dog plays with it more.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was chained to a bumper.
Last one: What is red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with it's fot nailed to the floor.
I do loves me some good jokes.
-A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
-A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
-A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
A blonde and a brunette and a Redhead are racing across a pool, doing the breaststroke. The brunette comes in first, the redhead second. After 20 minutes the blonde finally finishes. As the medals are handed out, she whispers to the judge, "I don't want to be a bad sport, but I think the others were using their arms."
A blonded and a brunette are walking and see a man with bad dandruff.
The brunette says, "We should give him Head & Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
The brunette says, "We should give him Head & Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
NINJA!!!!!!!Teh Ty said:
I'll have to post a different one now.
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, its getting hot in here!" The other muffin turns and screams "OMFG A TALKING MUFFIN!"
okay, I'm going to write this out the way I remember my cousin telling it 10 years ago.
Three brothers are on a road trip across the country to visit their sick mother. Halfway there their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere in front of a big red farmhouse.
The three brothers all check their cell phones but none of them have service, so they walk up to the house. The first brother knocks on the door, and an old woman in a red dress answers it.
"Hello m'am, we were travelling cross-country to visit our sick mother and our car just broke down, could we use your phone?"
"of course, I'll call Joe, he owns the garage down the road, come on in."
So the woman lets the men into her home. As they enter they notice that everything in the house is red: The walls, the ceiling, the furniture, everything.
The old woman comes back from the phone.
"I'm sorry, Joe won't be able to get here until tomorrow, you'll just have to stay here. I can fix you boys up with your own rooms since my kids have moved out long ago."
So the woman directs the men to their rooms. She says to the first man "Your room is the first door on the left once you get upstairs."
so the first man walks up the red staircase, down the red hallway, and opens the first red door on the left, and entered his room which was just as red as the rest of the house.
The old woman says to the second man "Your room is the second door on the left once you get upstairs."
so the second man walks up the red staircase, down the red hallway, and opens the second red door on the left, and entered his room which was just as red as the rest of the house.
The old woman says to the last man "Your room is the first door on the right once you get upstairs."
so the third man walks up the red staircase, down the red hallway, and opens the first red door on the right, and entered his room which was just as red as the rest of the house.
The next morning, the three men awoke and left their red rooms, went down the red hallway and the red stairs and into the red kitchen, where the old woman was already waiting.
"So, what would you boys like for breakfast?" She asked.
"Do you have any Cheerios?" Inquired the first man.
"Of course" The woman walked over to the red pantry, grabbed a box of Cheerios, poured him a bowl, and put the box back into the red pantry.
"So how about you?" She asked the second man.
"I don't suppose you have any Wheaties?"
"Well sure I do." The woman walked over to the red pantry, grabbed a box of Wheaties, poured him a bowl, and put the box back into the red pantry.
"and you?" She asked the third man.
"I guess I'll have Cheerios too."
"Alright." The woman walked over to the red pantry, grabbed the box of Cheerios, poured him a bowl, and put the box back into the red pantry again.
Two out of three men prefer Cheerios over Wheaties.
Three brothers are on a road trip across the country to visit their sick mother. Halfway there their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere in front of a big red farmhouse.
The three brothers all check their cell phones but none of them have service, so they walk up to the house. The first brother knocks on the door, and an old woman in a red dress answers it.
"Hello m'am, we were travelling cross-country to visit our sick mother and our car just broke down, could we use your phone?"
"of course, I'll call Joe, he owns the garage down the road, come on in."
So the woman lets the men into her home. As they enter they notice that everything in the house is red: The walls, the ceiling, the furniture, everything.
The old woman comes back from the phone.
"I'm sorry, Joe won't be able to get here until tomorrow, you'll just have to stay here. I can fix you boys up with your own rooms since my kids have moved out long ago."
So the woman directs the men to their rooms. She says to the first man "Your room is the first door on the left once you get upstairs."
so the first man walks up the red staircase, down the red hallway, and opens the first red door on the left, and entered his room which was just as red as the rest of the house.
The old woman says to the second man "Your room is the second door on the left once you get upstairs."
so the second man walks up the red staircase, down the red hallway, and opens the second red door on the left, and entered his room which was just as red as the rest of the house.
The old woman says to the last man "Your room is the first door on the right once you get upstairs."
so the third man walks up the red staircase, down the red hallway, and opens the first red door on the right, and entered his room which was just as red as the rest of the house.
The next morning, the three men awoke and left their red rooms, went down the red hallway and the red stairs and into the red kitchen, where the old woman was already waiting.
"So, what would you boys like for breakfast?" She asked.
"Do you have any Cheerios?" Inquired the first man.
"Of course" The woman walked over to the red pantry, grabbed a box of Cheerios, poured him a bowl, and put the box back into the red pantry.
"So how about you?" She asked the second man.
"I don't suppose you have any Wheaties?"
"Well sure I do." The woman walked over to the red pantry, grabbed a box of Wheaties, poured him a bowl, and put the box back into the red pantry.
"and you?" She asked the third man.
"I guess I'll have Cheerios too."
"Alright." The woman walked over to the red pantry, grabbed the box of Cheerios, poured him a bowl, and put the box back into the red pantry again.
Two out of three men prefer Cheerios over Wheaties.
No idea where its from originally (in fact I've never seen it online in any kind of "original" form, and nor have I seen anyone else post it) but it was put up on another forum I visit.shadowgaunt said:But it was so interesting! The fools! (I still haven't finished it, where did you get that from?)Snork Maiden said:I've told that joke a few times IRL. I normally get told to leave
I don't get it.TheNumber1Zero said:
Wait...
I... a...
*clicklclickclick*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
Is that specifically to my profile or does it just go to the person who clicks it? Funny though.Pimppeter2 said:
Man One. "Hey did you hear about the Viagra shipment that was stolen?"
Man two. "No Did they catch anyone?"
Man one. "Not yet but they're on the lookout for hardend criminals!" ;-)
Man two. "No Did they catch anyone?"
Man one. "Not yet but they're on the lookout for hardend criminals!" ;-)