Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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Ace01

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May 19, 2009
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Banging coconuts together, oh i get it, monty python reference.

Anyway, i liked the early FF's but after 7 it felt like i had seen this before, oh yeah the sonic the hedgehog games after adventure. Well, at least the graphics are nice, and the case can make a decorative paperweight.
 

The_ModeRazor

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Jul 29, 2009
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Funny!

Oh, I'm supposed to contribute something...
I'm never, ever going to play a JRPG because Final Fantasy VII didn't start on my goddamn computer, so I hate JRPGs now. Angst.
 

JordanMillward_1

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May 19, 2009
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Jamesigh said:
disappointing. i was looking forward to this review, but only playing five hours of the game makes it completely pointless.
Aye, I was a bit disappointed too. Still, there's always next week I guess.
 

sephiroth1991

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Dec 3, 2009
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This dosn't seem like a game i will like

Fuck off!!

The game plays it's self hmm WHAT FUCK IS THIS MGS4 gone too far.

He's right about the those kids i find it hard to beleve they fight in the game.
 

Equality

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Nov 8, 2007
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I only survived about 2-3 hours before I couldn't take it any more. The "it gets better 20 hours in" view out there is incredible, what a great sell for the game - yeah, it's shit for almost a whole day's worth of hours from your life ... but don't worry things will be fine later on. I've paid for the damn thing, I want it to be good right from the start and get even better later on. Will never bother with Final Fantasy again - until, that is, they can do a matrix-style virtual reality version of it and I can beat the snot out of Hope.
 

Rayansaki

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May 5, 2009
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WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO VANILLE YOU MISERABLE TWAT I HOPE YOU DIE OF SQUIRREL AIDS!

Also, for me, it got good about 5-6 hours in, and excellent 15-16 hours in.
 

comet5002

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Mar 27, 2009
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Honestly, from what I've played of FFXIII so far, I like it (However, this is probably because I like both interactive storytelling games AND JRPG's). However, he does bring up good points about some things.

All of the characters are completely unlikeable and annoying and I want to slap them all in the face. The redeeming quality about other FF's were that for every Squall/Garnet and Tidus/Yuna, there were characters like Quistis/Irvine and Lulu/Auron/Rikku. The characterization categories that these characters fit into are taken to such EXTREMES that it's laughably ridiculous. Let me take each character into perspective:

Hope: Hope has officially dethroned Squall as the "KING OF ALL EMOS" and it's really infuriating because the emo characters are always the ones that I hate the most.

Vanille: I've always loved Yuffie and Rikku and similar "comic relief characters" because they add humor and light to the otherwise dark plots, but Vanille is just RETARDED and it's extremely annoying.

Lightning: Auron's stoicism is what made him cool and tough. Lightning's stoicism makes her annoying. Why is that? Because Auron has a personality and a background that people can relate to and empathize with. Lightning is literally a brick wall that has legs and carries a sword.

Sazh: Besides having the most ridiculous name imo of any character in the FF series, his character is also blown out of proportion. Although I don't think he's as annoying as Barret, but that's not saying much. Easily the most "real" out of all the characters. I say "real" instead of "likable" because I still find him annoying.

Snow: See the Hope section and replace Hope with Snow and Squall with Zell and it gets my point across pretty well. The "manly" characters are my second most hated categorization of characters.

I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.

EDIT: I just remembered something. Move "emo kids" to 2nd place and "manly men" to third. A GREAT thing about this game is that there's no "girly girls" who play the damsel in distress (see Garnet, Rinoa, Yuna) who OFFICIALLY take my number one "most hated" award.
 

SirMax

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Dec 24, 2008
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Am I the only one who thinks that "it gets good 20 hours in" is an insult? Seriously, without that I could imagine that it gets good later and Yahtzee was just getting through it really slow because he was distracted or something, but the fact that people who are long time FF players could take 20 hours of playing until it starts getting fun is absurd. I could play Portal ten times before FF13 got fun. I didn't even LIKE FFX, but it was fun before the 20th hour of gameplay.
 

Darkwolf9

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Aug 19, 2008
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I can say I'm not suprised by his reaction at all. In fact had there been one I could have easily won the betting pool on what he'd harp on. With that said the combat in the XIII is a bit boring till later on. Later it becomes a fun strategic mini game between running around a field doing kill quests. With that said, I still find enjoyment in the game even though it is a bit 2-D.
 

Rayansaki

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comet5002 said:
I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.
If you haven't reached the point where you get Fang you don't even know 10% of the character's motivations and progression curve (some of them are significantly different towards the end), so what you wrote is completely inaccurate.
 

SirMax

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Dec 24, 2008
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Belladonnah said:
comet5002 said:
I can't say anything about Fang because I haven't acquired her yet. Sorry for the extremely long post, but I felt like I had to say this and even though I know most of the people who are viewing this thread are here to make fun of EVERY aspect of this game, I just wanted to get my two cents in.
If you haven't reached the point where you get Fang you don't even know 10% of the character's motivations and progression curve (some of them are significantly different towards the end), so what you wrote is completely inaccurate.
Out of curiosity, Comet, how many hours have you played FF13?
 

Awexsome

Were it so easy
Mar 25, 2009
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Hah hah, it was predictable and saw it coming like a mile away but it was still funny.

Won't change the fact that it is a good game but Yahtzee can make anything seem horrible and be hilarious while doing.
 

ohuvi

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Oct 8, 2009
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as soon as i heard him say that he liked final fantasy 6 (also my favorite) my mouth dropped open in shock. Keep up the hilarious reviews Yahtzee!
 

Flamingpenguin

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Nov 10, 2009
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As my friend put it, that kooky character is "getting progressively more British" as the game goes on. I laughed at that one.
 

yanipheonu

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Jan 27, 2010
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OK I feel like this needs to be said.

Yes lots of people are hating on this game, but you know what, lots more people are finding this game EXTREMELY ENJOYABLE. Just because you don't like it, certianly doesn't mean it's the worst game ever created.

This holds true to the guys bringing up FF7... for some reason. Yes, I get you hate the game. But so many people love it, you just come off as some douche.

Finally, don't let haters make you not try/buy FFXIII. I didn't listen and I absolutely loved it. Just give it a try and see for yourself, you might just find a great experience. Even if you dislike it, you at least have a game with great production values and gorgeous environments.
 

BlueInkAlchemist

Ridiculously Awesome
Jun 4, 2008
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The "Spice" bit was very well done, but my favorite line was regarding the painting of the fireworks display.

I will see the Mana Bar someday. Mark my words.

Someday.
 

ZippyDSMlee

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Sep 1, 2007
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Mackheath said:
Looks like my fears on 13 are founded. But I've wasted my life away on WoW so I suppose I can tolerate Final Fantasy Seven-2 13 well enough.
No no FF7 was actually playable this is FFX-3.
 

edgeofblade

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Jan 8, 2009
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Yahtzee, if you were busy, no one would fault you for skipping this game all together. I mean, you do review "games", meaning an interactive video product where your actually PLAYING something. Nowhere in your contract are you required to review FMV games...