Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

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Kyouki1980

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May 26, 2008
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I LOVE the final fantasy series, I love sitting back and relaxing with the combat menu and dont have to button mash, I love not having to look in every direction at once for snipers like in some reality shooters.
BUT then the series changed after 9. Changed from open map to grindy linear corridors. WTF IS WITH THAT SHIT! 10 was ok despite that. Had almost all the gameplay elements I liked to play while relaxing as did 10-2.
However 12 was the biggest pile of shit I had ever played. I WANT TO CONTROL THE FUCKING CHARACTERS! And where the FUCK did my relaxing game go? Now I'm running all over the fucking battle screen just hitting attack at everything cause the battles are so easy there's no point in even bothering to use any magic or items. 24 game hours into 12 I said fuck this shit and returned it to the store.
Now we come to FFXIII. Now its at this point I'd like to reiterate that I have a massive hard-on for J-RPGS. I love them right in their emo ass. BUT (again) FFXIII with its linear corridor game-play, 20+ hour cap before it "gets good" and retard proof combat system has taken gaming design for morons to a whole new level I cannot fucking stand and WILL NOT be playing or buying this hyperised piece of SHIT!
Squeenix should be ashamed for releasing such unmitigated crap.

I don't want my fucking hand held while playing the game, I don't want the game to play it for me. I WANT TO PLAY THE FUCKER MYSELF! AND ENJOY IT! Hard battles and all. I want the challenge back that used to be there and the exploration.
I feel like Squeenix has bent me over and said "your gonna like this" and shafted me so hard I could feel my spleen pop into my throat.

*Breathes* That's how I feel about that ^_^
 

Velocity Eleven

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May 20, 2009
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does anybody else think that he just did this to have a go at the genre? I mean, he talked about the actual gameplay very little and almost every single one of his complaints were based off the stereotypes that all JRPG haters tend to have... and none of those complaints have ever made sense to me... (and respouting them doesnt make them sensical)
 

Kyouki1980

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May 26, 2008
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edgeofblade said:
Yahtzee, if you were busy, no one would fault you for skipping this game all together. I mean, you do review "games", meaning an interactive video product where your actually PLAYING something. Nowhere in your contract are you required to review FMV games...
I have to agree. FFXIII isnt a game. Its a bad movie. And expensive bad and boring movie.
 

Grey_Focks

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Jan 12, 2010
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comet5002 said:
CITIZEN SNIPSSSSSSSSSSSS!
wait, wait, wait. you liked Zell? Really? not gonna lie, I find this disturbing.


OT: Actually agree with yahtzee for once. I too haven't liked a Final Fantasy since 6. Ever since 7 it really has been more about the spectacle and "pushing the visual limits" instead of making a good game and writing a good story. 8 and 10 in particular had some of the worst story/writing in any game I've played in ages, though they did look pretty for when they were released.
 

Jamvaan1992

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Feb 13, 2010
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I'm 100% on your side with this one, but the only difference is I'm the type of idiot that kept going even after the fifth hour, and the sixth, and the seventh. When it finally got to the point where the world opened up (25 GODDAMN HOURS LATER!) I threw my hands up in frustration, traded it in and bought Mass Effect 2. Never again Final Fantasy, never again.
 

Ickorus

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canadamus_prime said:
Yeah, I thought Final Fantasy VI was the peak of the series too.
FFVI is so damned overrated i die a little inside whenever someone says it's amazing.

I'm enjoying FFXIII but i do have some of the same problems, i'm in the final chapter of the game and i still don't really understand what the hell is going on.

Also: Hope is a whiny little bastard, i refuse to have him in my team.
 

mew4ever23

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Mar 21, 2008
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Couldn't have called todays review being a Final Fantasy game. I was thinking that he would go for God of War 3...
 

lupercal27

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Mar 11, 2010
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The game goes take an ungodly amount of time to drop the training wheels. Also it is very linear, especially for protagonists that don't even know where to go or what to do really.

All that redundant text posted redundantly in the text of the text says the same thing over and over and again and again, redundantly. I think they were trying to fix some of the past games' confusion points in their plots (like FF7 and FF8 being rather convoluted). It is a bit too much narrative to read. it's like the movie script and cliff notes and encylopeadia all wrapped into one.

Overall I do enjoy the game, it just took too damn long to get moving.
 

Tehlanna TPX

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Mar 23, 2010
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nicodeemus327 said:
Tehlanna TPX said:
I'm enjoying 13 immensely but unlike some fans I have a sense of humor :). This was awesome. And goddamn Vanille is pretty kooky isn't she? I thought it was just me. She's batshit crazy!
There's actually a reason why she's batshit crazy and acts so kooky.
I had gathered. But I'm not there yet (I'm juggling to even fit in time to play 13 atm!) soooo no spoilers :).
 

Gvaz

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Sep 8, 2008
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neilsaccount said:
i think that he should have done metro 2033 instead of ff13
So instead of playing one bad game he should play another bad game? Is this what you're saying?
 

Scrythe

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Jun 23, 2009
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I was really looking forward to this one, but I decided to have it tested on my favorite guinea pigs: my friends.

And while I'm watching them play through FFXIII, I found it increasingly difficult to stay awake. I don't know what it is, but for whatever reason the game cannot keep me interested for more than ten minutes before I flip up my laptop and go for as-yet-another full round of Civilization IV. Yes, micromanaging a miniature government is more entertaining to me than a Final Fantasy game. The world around me should be crumbling

Beating a dead horse here, but what Yahtzee said about the characters is painfully true. I know there's sources and interviews and such of the developers flat-out calling this game a FFVII remake, but could they have at least tried to disguise it? Lightning is such an obvious clone of Cloud that if it actually fits better if I pretend I'm playing as Cloud in drag again, and why the fuck do I need to revisit that?

The only upside to this is that Snow kinda reminds me of Laguna, and I am admittedly really gay for FFVIII.
 

KDR_11k

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Feb 10, 2009
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Awwww, I had hoped you'd gone through all 60-what hours to really build up the bile until you look like the Great Unclean One but I guess by then the review would have consisted of the news headline "Australian goes postal in Japanese game developer's headquarters wielding three DVDs as aweapon".
 

Jared

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Jul 14, 2009
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Hehe...I noticed the walking thing too...so loud!

And yes Vanille...yeah...lol
 

PessimistOwl

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Jan 19, 2010
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Toasty Virus said:
I really tried to enjoy this game, I loved all the other Final Fantasy's(Even 8) but this just didnt do it for me

Although Sahz made the bits I played worth it =D
Completely agree. The only character that I gave half a shit about was Sazh. The rest of the characters were half assed at best.

Despite the fact that I know all aboot Vanille's "secret" I still think that she is honestly retarded. Sorry but she is just "not there" in the head if ya know what I mean.

Finally, you forgot about all the origami weapons. Was I the only one that noticed that all the weapons were foldable and easy to carry? What is this some kind of new add campaign that square enix, sorry *ahem* s-enix seeing as enix has mainly just taken all of what was good in Squaresoft and made into some horrible abomination that cannot be mentioned in decent society. But seriously? "Why worry about carrying a big-ass blade around with you (cloud) and worry about you cutting your own foot off when you can fold it!"
 

CK76

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Sep 25, 2009
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The main difference is I enjoy turn based combat and if anything Final Fantasy XIII seemed like it was made to appease people who aren't as big of fans. It's an all right game, and I did have fun playing it, but agree characters were...bit meh.
 

wadark

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Dec 22, 2007
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I agree on a few bits: the fact that the game takes 2-3 hours before it gets a semblance of entertainment is terrible.

And the fact that the majority of the story is not told through the actual game but through the datalog, is asinine.

BUT, I can't help but love the game. Probably mostly because 12 was so so SO fucking unbelievably AWFUL (particularly the combat) that I can't help but like the combat.