10 *subtle* ways to tell her she's too fat

[biofiend]

When I was married, my wife gained about 20 pounds. #5 (playfully grab her love handles) saved my bacon. I did it during sex. Got up behind her, grabbed her sides and gave a squeeze...it was very "I still find you attractive enough to want you sexually but I know you're not going to like the fact that I can do this" in its subtext.

She joined a gym about a week later.

Don't mean to be rude, but key word is when you were married. I'm not saying that thinking she's fat is the direct cause of an end of a relationship, but this mindset that you have to trick your partner into anything is a relationship killer. I would love to see an instance where this worked, long-term, in a successful relationship. It may sound cheesy, but I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly four and a half years, and I am a firm believer in honesty and communication. It may hurt at first, but it's better than bottling up that hate inside.

What kind of shape are you and your boyfriend in?

We first met in band camp (extremely nerdy, I know ), and contrary to the popular belief of people who have never been in marching band, that meant that we worked out a lot. Did a lot of push-ups, drills, and running every day. So we were both in pretty good shape. Now we're both nearing graduating college and I'd say we both gained a few pounds. We are still both healthy, but there are definitely some pooches where there weren't before.

Okay then, fine, but I want to know whether or not you two are going soft or big or whatnot at the same rate, or if one person is ahead of the other.

I guess I'd say he's getting bigger a little faster than me, but he's naturally a large guy and I tend to be on the small side (I'm only 5'2"!).

So at what point would his weight become an issue for your sexual attraction?
You can claim -or, lie, as I'd accuse- that you'll love someone no matter what their current state of health and fitness, but you can't pretend that sexuality works in that fashion. I'm not accusing you of anything, but I want to know where your line is drawn, since you seem so passionate about this.

Well, I could try to defend myself and say that I'm not lying, but I guess that's a little hard to prove. Again, this could just be a female thing, but I'd say at least 75% or more of my sexual attraction to him is how confident he is and how he takes control...I think of myself as a strong woman, but he's the only one in my life that I feel I can submit myself to completely without fear. I know guys are sexually wired to be more attracted by looks, so I can't speak for males.

It would probably become an issue if he became overweight in the healthy sense. Then I would be sure to talk to him about it. Maybe I'm wrong and it's just blissful thinking...I haven't been tested yet...but it's hard to believe otherwise at this moment.

Fair enough. I understand sexuality in the dominant/submissive sense to believe you -or at least to believe that you're being honest, but I'm starting to resent the gender-assignment you use. I've had my fair share of headbutts with girls who are very physically-driven.
But I'm not looking to continue expanding these obnoxiously large quoted posts, and it's three thirty in the morning -I'm in a classroom. Just mark your words. Nobody likes to admit their instinctual desires and their social shortcomings.
Peace.

 

[_Janny_]

"You gaining weight or is your ass eating your pants?" This is pretty much what all of those items on the list seem to say, so yeah, not so subtle...

Why not be honest and calmly explain what's on your mind? (maybe even ask her to tell you what she thinks of your own weight) No laughing or criticism. Could work.

 

[AndyVale]

Ha! My girlfriend has done about 6 of these to me. She's completely right of course, but I hate those 'listening' types.

 

[Daveman]

Nice...

Lots of people on here are either totally ignorant to how women react to straight talking or place ridiculous ideas on the basis of relationships (i.e. how they look).

Besides, women always have a go at me for not getting what they mean when they're being subtle, I have yet to meet one woman who doesn't solely communicate like that. Dropping hints is like woman language.

Although I don't think I could date a girl who could be that easily manipulated without guessing something's up, I prefer women with backbone and intelligence. I'm kind of an elitist prick you see and anyone not very clever repulses me. So in conclusion, although this list might work for most people I don't think it's of any use for me.

 

[MiracleOfSound]

Ok...I apologize. I'll admit that my reaction is purely an emotional one...like I said, I had a lot of self-esteem issues about whether or not I was attractive for a long time before my boyfriend. I would still suggest that you be more honest with your partner rather than putting up with it (but judging by your first post, you kinda already thought that already). Not all girls deserve to be treated like princesses...there are some pretty crappy ones out there.

True, and believe me I've met some crappy ones. We're not so different you know, I had severe self esteem issues too.

I never had a girlfriend in school, got ridiculed by them for being geeky. Mother ran out on the family when I was 7, leaving some big gaping woman issues. Had a string of failed, miserable relationships that always ended in me feeling even worse about myself and even more ugly and unnattractive.

Took years of councelling to get to a condition where I'm happy enough in myself now to love someone properly and not constantly be afraid they think I'm unnatractive. Plus I finally met a woman who gives me compliments every day and actually deserves to be treated like a princess.

I honestly think it's a difference between between mentally and emotionally attracted, or mainly physically. I suppose for some people sex is best only when you're in shape...but I dunno, for me, when you have that emotional connection with someone, you have the best sex. Of course, I'm taking the female perspective, and I do understand that guys are different.

Sex is better for us when we're emotionally connected too, but it's even better again when your missus is a hottie. The beauty is, everyone fancies different kinds of people. One man's Geeky Gangly Chick is another man's Nerdy Goddess!

I still don't see how you don't feel that they have to keep up appearances for you though...you said yourself that if she gains weight, the sex isn't as good, and the relationship falls. Even inadvertently, it seems like she has to keep up her looks or lose you.

She would never lose me, but it's just obvious the sex wouldn't be as good if we were unfit and blobby.

As far as my reaction? Again, this is something I've had issues with for a while. I definitely wouldn't react the same way if, say, we were fighting about where to eat dinner, or anything else really. And I kinda feel like, well, guys need to suck it up. A girl might react pissed when you tell her the truth, but isn't it better than being manipulative, or worse, not saying how you feel until it poisons the relationship from the inside?

Indeed, and I admire when people react emotionally, it's much better and healthier than apathy or brickwalling. But it can still be a little intimidating when aimed in our direction

 

[joshuaayt]

Wait a sec- I can make people do or think things, using only the power of MY MIND... Games?
Cool.
Oh, and I got up to "Sabotage her chair" before I was completely convinced that it was only a joke. Perhaps not in the best taste, but if it were either reversed or, instead of sexist, racist, I doubt anyone here would care as much as they do now.

 

[Bakaferret]

When I was married, my wife gained about 20 pounds. #5 (playfully grab her love handles) saved my bacon. I did it during sex. Got up behind her, grabbed her sides and gave a squeeze...it was very "I still find you attractive enough to want you sexually but I know you're not going to like the fact that I can do this" in its subtext.

She joined a gym about a week later.

Don't mean to be rude, but key word is when you were married. I'm not saying that thinking she's fat is the direct cause of an end of a relationship, but this mindset that you have to trick your partner into anything is a relationship killer. I would love to see an instance where this worked, long-term, in a successful relationship. It may sound cheesy, but I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly four and a half years, and I am a firm believer in honesty and communication. It may hurt at first, but it's better than bottling up that hate inside.

What kind of shape are you and your boyfriend in?

We first met in band camp (extremely nerdy, I know ), and contrary to the popular belief of people who have never been in marching band, that meant that we worked out a lot. Did a lot of push-ups, drills, and running every day. So we were both in pretty good shape. Now we're both nearing graduating college and I'd say we both gained a few pounds. We are still both healthy, but there are definitely some pooches where there weren't before.

Okay then, fine, but I want to know whether or not you two are going soft or big or whatnot at the same rate, or if one person is ahead of the other.

I guess I'd say he's getting bigger a little faster than me, but he's naturally a large guy and I tend to be on the small side (I'm only 5'2"!).

So at what point would his weight become an issue for your sexual attraction?
You can claim -or, lie, as I'd accuse- that you'll love someone no matter what their current state of health and fitness, but you can't pretend that sexuality works in that fashion. I'm not accusing you of anything, but I want to know where your line is drawn, since you seem so passionate about this.

Well, I could try to defend myself and say that I'm not lying, but I guess that's a little hard to prove. Again, this could just be a female thing, but I'd say at least 75% or more of my sexual attraction to him is how confident he is and how he takes control...I think of myself as a strong woman, but he's the only one in my life that I feel I can submit myself to completely without fear. I know guys are sexually wired to be more attracted by looks, so I can't speak for males.

It would probably become an issue if he became overweight in the healthy sense. Then I would be sure to talk to him about it. Maybe I'm wrong and it's just blissful thinking...I haven't been tested yet...but it's hard to believe otherwise at this moment.

Fair enough. I understand sexuality in the dominant/submissive sense to believe you -or at least to believe that you're being honest, but I'm starting to resent the gender-assignment you use. I've had my fair share of headbutts with girls who are very physically-driven.
But I'm not looking to continue expanding these obnoxiously large quoted posts, and it's three thirty in the morning -I'm in a classroom. Just mark your words. Nobody likes to admit their instinctual desires and their social shortcomings.
Peace.

I'm not saying that girls can't be physically-driven. I just haven't come across that many (but then again, I mainly hang out with guys). That's why I said it COULD be a female thing. I can only speak for myself. Thanks for the advice, but I'm very honest with who I am. My instinctual desire just happens to be being cared for. I'm not afraid to admit what I'm attracted to. And my social shortcomings? Obviously my temper is one of them...I know these things and try to accept them. I didn't mean to offend...nothing pisses me off more than when someone tells me that since I'm a girl, I should act a certain way. Rather hypocritically of me to do the same. Apologies.

 

[CouchCommando]

Didn't even bother reading the article ,just touching on the subject will more than likely lead to you been flayed alive where I live.

 

[Wardnath]

U R FAT KTHNX

Am I doing it right? XD

The article should be renamed "10 incredibly stupid ways to end up like that guy at the end of Hostel 2".

Also this.

 

[Bakaferret]

Took years of councelling to get to a condition where I'm happy enough in myself now to love someone properly and not constantly be afraid they think I'm unnatractive. Plus I finally met a woman who gives me compliments every day and actually deserves to be treated like a princess.

Mm, same here...counseling is a life-saver. Finding someone to respect you for who you are is even better...it completely changes your life to finally land a good one.

Sex is better for us when we're emotionally connected too, but it's even better again when your missus is a hottie. The beauty is, everyone fancies different kinds of people. One man's Geeky Gangly Chick is another man's Nerdy Goddess!

She would never lose me, but it's just obvious the sex wouldn't be as good if we were unfit and blobby.

True...different strokes for different folks.

Indeed, and I admire when people react emotionally, it's much better and healthier than apathy or brickwalling. But it can still be a little intimidating when aimed in our direction

Ok, I'll admit...sometimes my attitude scares people off. Guess that's why I need a guy who's not afraid to be honest with me and tell me to calm down when I overreact. ^^;

 

[MiracleOfSound]

easy way to avoid that topic is simply date bigger girls that way they have always been fat from the outset

In that situation, you're well and truly fucked when she starts to let herself go...

 

[Semitendon]

So, I was rummaging around the internet when I stumbled upon this gem of an article: 10 subtle ways to tell her she's getting fat [http://ca.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-subtle-ways-to-tell-her-shes-getting-fat.html]

I honestly couldn't believe what I was reading - having lived with women my whole life, the thought of doing ANY of these things literally made me cringe, and I'm of the opinion that any guy who would try out these "tips" is a complete asshole.

So my question is - what do you think of this article? Do you actually feel these tips would be helpful if this became an issue in a relationship?

I think the aticle was written by a woman. The level of manipulative mind-fuckery is not consistent with a male. At the very least, it was inspired by women who did similar things to their men.

Theoretically, these tips would work. Women are constantly thinking, over analyzing, and intepreting the actions of their males as being meaningful. ( this is scientific, women's brains are more active, in contrast to men, who have the ability to literally be thinking about nothing ) Manipulation of the mind is a key arsenal in the female, because they often assume males are over analyzing every single action, just like they are. So, in the case of male manipulation, there is a high degree of success because the female mind is already focused and convinced that there is meaning behind every action made.

Personally, being a male myself, I would most likely use the stereotypical male tactic, and simply confront any issues in a direct and obvious manner, ie " you're gaining weight.". Although, in all honesty, I think the only valid reasons to confront someone about their weight is if, you are fit, they are risking their health, or the weight gain is a medical problem. Ultimately, everyone gains weight or loses their fitness through life, and it is hypocritical to call someone out on this, especially when you have the same problem.

 

[Brotherofwill]

Hahah, reading this article is like reading a pet magazine.

"Don't reson with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it." Hahah, gotta love the people that read Men's magazines.

Hahaha, this line just killed me:

"As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she?ll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain"

Man, this stuff is heavy. We all know women have to be slender to be happy, right? This article fucking kills me.

 

[MiracleOfSound]

Took years of councelling to get to a condition where I'm happy enough in myself now to love someone properly and not constantly be afraid they think I'm unnatractive. Plus I finally met a woman who gives me compliments every day and actually deserves to be treated like a princess.

Mm, same here...counseling is a life-saver. Finding someone to respect you for who you are is even better...it completely changes your life to finally land a good one.

Indeed, and I admire when people react emotionally, it's much better and healthier than apathy or brickwalling. But it can still be a little intimidating when aimed in our direction

Ok, I'll admit...sometimes my attitude scares people off. Guess that's why I need a guy who's not afraid to be honest with me and tell me to calm down when I overreact. ^^;

Exactly... just like I need a girl who is ultra patient and will always reassure me that I'm attractive and she isn't going to lose interest in me. Dealing with eachothers' neurotic habits and flaws is as important as good sex

You're dead right about meeting the right person, nothing makes you feel like a hottie the way having someone you love genuinely think you are does.

 

[iLikeHippos]

Well, the first thing that comes to mind in telling a lass she's fat is by

1) Just go out right and tell her that you've been observing that she has indeed put on some weight and should start train to get it off.

Or 2) is showing them this.

You gotta love machinima. And subliminal messages.
And I got to admit, it's quite cruel.
Still, if you take those advices that's linked by the OP under consideration, this is no different.

 

[SonicKoala]

I think the aticle was written by a woman. The level of manipulative mind-fuckery is not consistent with a male. At the very least, it was inspired by women who did similar things to their men.

Although I see where you're coming from, I think that's a bit too broad of a generalization. Sure, that is a trait more commonly associated with females, but I think men are just as capable of coming up with these underhanded, manipulative tactics.

Theoretically, these tips would work. Women are constantly thinking, over analyzing, and intepreting the actions of their males as being meaningful. ( this is scientific, women's brains are more active, in contrast to men, who have the ability to literally be thinking about nothing ) Manipulation of the mind is a key arsenal in the female, because they often assume males are over analyzing every single action, just like they are. So, in the case of male manipulation, there is a high degree of success because the female mind is already focused and convinced that there is meaning behind every action made.

There's no doubt that women will pick up on what these "actions" mean - they aren't exactly subtle, are they (despite what the article promises)? Unfortunately, all they're going to do is make the guy look like a complete asshole (which he is, if he does any of these things), and make the woman feel like shit. In all honesty, if a woman is gaining weight, odds are she is well aware of it, and the last thing she needs is her significant other telling her how fat she's getting (particularly in such dickish ways)

Personally, being a male myself, I would most likely use the stereotypical male tactic, and simply confront any issues in a direct and obvious manner, ie " you're gaining weight.".

This is, without a doubt, the correct solution - just be straight about it. Resorting to indirect methods just strikes me as childish.

 

[ZephrC]

Okay, that list is pretty awful, but really you can't blame them. Whether it's fair or not, most people are more attracted to others with a healthy body weight, and to never talk about that is certainly not healthy.

But at the same time, most women generally don't want anyone directly saying that kind of stuff to them. Seriously guys, women will tell you that they want direct and open communication, but it's a blatant and hurtful lie. Often they're lying to themselves more than you, but it is a lie non-the-less.

Obviously most of the things on that list were far too passive-aggressive and manipulative to be used by any decent human being, but a couple were really good ideas, especially the ones about starting to work out or improving your own diet in the hopes that she'll join in. Chances are she's more aware of her own weight than you would ever be anyway, so making her feel like you identify with her problem puts you on her side instead of turning you into some kind of opponent in some bizarre game. Plus we're video gamers here, even a lot of us that aren't fat could still probably use more exercise and a better diet.

 

['Aredor]

I don't buy that.

In my opinion it is important to keep making the effort to be attractive for your partner. For both men and women. I know I try damn hard to stay in shape so my current GF has something nice to look at and sleep with.

She'd still love me if I were 20 stone, but that knowledge makes me want to please and satisfy her even more, not take advantage of it and become a lazy fat slob.

Of course you still love them if they go through the change, but you will be less attracted to them.

I do see your point, and I don't say it's a bad attitude, but people are different: Just because she doesn't "keep making the effort" doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't care for you anymore. And just as her behaviour makes you question her devotion for you, she might see it just the other way around: "why does he make such a fuss about his looks, he's already in a relationship with me and I don't care, that bastard surely is cheating on me!"

You're right to question my not telling her, that was what I was asking myself in my first post, if it was right or not.

Yes but you mentioned her health, I wasn't sure whether you realised that this might have also led to her thinking that you didn't care or even found it attractive. There are guys out there who have a thing for chubby girls (or truly don't care), you know.

Couldn't it be that, before she met you, she only kept fit to be able to woo the one guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with? That once she was in a relationship with you, she thought she could finally stop the trouble of staying sexy and just be herself? That she thought you loved her and wouldn't mind her gaining weight?
out them, always the same chauvinistic bullshit.

Right! Its totally ok. like me pretending i am a wealthy genius, who works at a spacelab AND is a Professional Racecar driver. Why can't i be my lazy self now?

Well she didn't pretend to have a good body, she just stopped doing so. Your example is actually quite a good one, what if I was working at a spacelab when we met but I quit the job while we're in a relationship because I'd rather be a musician? Is that a legitimate reason for her to leave me? What if I was a racecar driver but I had an accident and I became a paraplegic?