Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

And remember if they take out a restraining order, they're just playing hard to get, You should make a grand gesture, like stealing her cat and when she goes crazy looking for it, bring it back. You'll be a hero.

Only after you've turned it into a hat. Chicks dig hats.

I can see this being a horrofying sequel to Cat in the Hat.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Honestly, sometimes I look at the advice you guys give each other and it's like you're trying to sabotage each other.

How dare you?! Now excuse me while I go tell a friend the best way to get a girl is to grab her ass.

I don't think they are actively trying to sabotage each other, so much as they actually believe their advice works

My boyfriend was unemployed when I met him, so jobs don't really matter. They do to some people, but don't automatically count yourself out just for not having one or not having a good one.

I am unemployed,and as a result I don't feel comfortable asking someone else to let me into their life until I get mine straightened out. So it could be something like that for him.

 

[siomasm]

DO NOT OVERTHINK! Everyone is their own worst critic, and people are often far more self absorbed in reflection of their own actions than those of others. In other words, ever had a moment where "Oh crap did I just ____ I hope no one noticed"? Unless you just shat your pants in public, chances are most people won't even notice the little things.

It's very difficult to explain confidence, but thinking on it I would have to guess my most easily explicable way of changing from shy guy to confident guy was in public speaking. Through most of school I was quiet and awkward, if I had to speak in front of the class I would often stutter or lose train of thought and end up working so hard to "recover" that it would only make things worse.
What I discovered is that if you simply continue on like nothing happened, no one really picks up on the fact that you screwed up in the first place. "Proper" confidence is like "Proper" bravery, as opposed to arrogance to confidence and stupidity to bravery. Bravery is about still feeling fear, but acting as you know you must regardless. In that sense confidence is not about not screwing up or not caring, but continuing on anyhow because you need to.

Never underestimate body language, and also to be frank younger girls also love to play "games" that you need be aware of. There are so many nuances to go over...I could probably write a book on it

 

[tautologico]

But going back to the issue I seem to be alone in. It's that I have never met a single girl I've been able to connect with. Not the one. I have never talked to a girl about something I like to talk about. They have all so far been obnoxious, irritating and not very intelligent.

That is with the one exception of my niece, who's a smart nerdy type.

Spoiler: Yeah.

How the FUCKING hell am I EVER going to find someone of the opposite gender, at least a little bit attractive, smart and with the same psychological disturbance as myself?!

I hear that there's this thing called the Internet where you can meet people...

No, seriously, it has helped me to meet interesting people. I'd say to not go around trying to find a girl to date, just try to find people you'd like to hang out with, not only girls. People you'd find interesting probably know more people you'd find interesting, and after some socializing and knowing new people eventually you'll find some girl you'd like to date. Sometimes this whole process can take some time, but it has been worth to me. I met my wife through "internet friends" I made in film discussion groups, who I met in person after months of online contact.

 

[Karlaxx]

I'm not so shy in the general social sense anymore, but romantically I'm just as cold a fish as ever. I'm in my senior year of high school and age 18; It's probably going to be college before I find myself a girl, because I'm extremely hesitant to let feeling of romantic attraction towards anyone younger than me fester, and every female I know is either 1)in the aforementioned category 2) taken or 3) otherwise not for me. I've tried flailing about and asking after anyone I thought was awesome, but that just led to shame, embarassment, and general distrust of my own judgement.
In any case, it won't be more than a few months before I never see any of them again. If I've made it this far, I can wait that long for a blank slate.

 

[kyuzo3567]

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

It's right in the phrase... you fake it till you make it. If you haven't made it yet then keep faking it. Eventually you'll either end up being a real confident person, or you'll get into a relationship and you'll end up feeling more confident just by being in a relationship. Good luck with it, it can take a long time but don't give up trying

 

[Lilani]

I'm not so shy in the general social sense anymore, but romantically I'm just as cold a fish as ever. I'm in my senior year of high school and age 18; It's probably going to be college before I find myself a girl, because I'm extremely hesitant to let feeling of romantic attraction towards anyone younger than me fester, and every female I know is either 1)in the aforementioned category 2) taken or 3) otherwise not for me. I've tried flailing about and asking after anyone I thought was awesome, but that just led to shame, embarassment, and general distrust of my own judgement.
In any case, it won't be more than a few months before I never see any of them again. If I've made it this far, I can wait that long for a blank slate.

Bah, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I am a female in college myself and I never had a boyfriend all through high school, hell I didn't want one in high school. There were only about two guys I ever had a crush on in gradeschool, and one ended up gay and the other was already taken. All the other guys at school were just...meh.

Now I'm a senior in college, and I am currently with my second boyfriend.

The best advice I can give you is put yourself in situations to meet people you have something in common with. In college, look for clubs you might be interested in. Tabletop game clubs, anime clubs, video game clubs, art clubs, church groups, whatever. The great thing about clubs is you already know you have at least one thing in common with everybody who is there. I met my first boyfriend through an anime club, and my second boyfriend through a church group (and he's in anime club, as well). While I cannot guarantee you will find somebody there, it will put you at a great advantage and if nothing else get you networked with some good batches of friends.

And my only warning with that is don't go in there and go after every human being in there with lady parts. Make friends first, and then start to decide if you want to pursue them further. And even if they aren't the right person for you, make sure you still value their friendship. It is perfectly possible to have female friends you're just friends with.

This may sound like obvious advice to you: "Don't hit on everything that moves, don't throw away their friendship just because they won't go out with you." But I'm just saying all this to cover all my bases--there are some guys who will sabotage perfectly good friendships if they can't get a girlfriend out of them. I have no reason to believe you are one of those sad people, but unfortunately some guys start to do weird things when you tell them "Be friends before asking the girl out."

 

[Karlaxx]

I'm not so shy in the general social sense anymore, but romantically I'm just as cold a fish as ever. I'm in my senior year of high school and age 18; It's probably going to be college before I find myself a girl, because I'm extremely hesitant to let feeling of romantic attraction towards anyone younger than me fester, and every female I know is either 1)in the aforementioned category 2) taken or 3) otherwise not for me. I've tried flailing about and asking after anyone I thought was awesome, but that just led to shame, embarassment, and general distrust of my own judgement.
In any case, it won't be more than a few months before I never see any of them again. If I've made it this far, I can wait that long for a blank slate.

Bah, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I am a female in college myself and I never had a boyfriend all through high school, hell I didn't want one in high school. There were only about two guys I ever had a crush on in gradeschool, and one ended up gay and the other was already taken. All the other guys at school were just...meh.

Now I'm a senior in college, and I am currently with my second boyfriend.

The best advice I can give you is put yourself in situations to meet people you have something in common with. In college, look for clubs you might be interested in. Tabletop game clubs, anime clubs, video game clubs, art clubs, church groups, whatever. The great thing about clubs is you already know you have at least one thing in common with everybody who is there. I met my first boyfriend through an anime club, and my second boyfriend through a church group (and he's in anime club, as well). While I cannot guarantee you will find somebody there, it will put you at a great advantage and if nothing else get you networked with some good batches of friends.

And my only warning with that is don't go in there and go after every human being in there with lady parts. Make friends first, and then start to decide if you want to pursue them further. And even if they aren't the right person for you, make sure you still value their friendship. It is perfectly possible to have female friends you're just friends with.

This may sound like obvious advice to you: "Don't hit on everything that moves, don't throw away their friendship just because they won't go out with you." But I'm just saying all this to cover all my bases--there are some guys who will sabotage perfectly good friendships if they can't get a girlfriend out of them. I have no reason to believe you are one of those sad people, but unfortunately some guys start to do weird things when you tell them "Be friends before asking the girl out."

(I would have snipped this, but it wasn't cooperating.)
That was essentially the plan! If nothing else I believe I've learned from my experiences- sometimes all of the perceived failure gets to me, but at the end of the day I'm hopeful. I appreciate the time you put into constructing that reply, though. That was a nice thing to see on a dreary day.

 

[jthm]

Here's one for ya.

Guy I know slightly. Barman. He's friends with a couple of my friends, and he recognises me when I'm in the pub & remembers what I drink. Doubt he knows my name, though, our only conversations have been fleeting (but pleasant), and only with the other friends present.

Now, the other friends are all off elsewhere. They're not in town anymore, except during X-Masses, and I don't plan to be here for another X-Mas either. If I was to ask him out, I'd have to head into his place of work alone.

He'd greet me, I'm not entirely a stranger to him. But... to ask him out? If he turned out to be straight, it would be embarrassing beyond words. Also pretty crushing. This is pretty much the only prospect that exists here, and it's so uncertain, so unlikely.

Do I wait for a day when I feel liek a baws, and go for it? Or is it unrealistic to pin my hopes on something like this?

Your position is slightly different from most of us here. Fact is, the odds are against him being gay, the majority of people are heterosexual. I've been hit on by 3 guys in my life, (I'm straight) and 2 handled it gracefully when I told them I was flattered, but straight. The third got annoying as hell asking things like how do I know I wouldn't enjoy it if I never tried it. Don't be that third guy if he says no.

Anyhow, conventional wisdom says ask him, because otherwise you'll wonder and be miserable for a time. Something you might do is ask a female friend to flirt with him a little and see how he responds. Are you out? If you aren't, you might not want to ask him, as it will get back to people you hadn't come out too. Of course you could have a coming out party at the bar and see if he flirts with you.

 

[rawfy]

As I was watching Louis (Louis C.K's tv show) I found that his everyday mannerism just totally mirrors my life...it sucks...LOL!

If your into that show you know he's pro comedian, he has great stage presence. But as soon as he's off the stage he just cloisters up into the poor self depreciating overly fatalist lad that he otherwise is. My problem is that as much as I do want to associate women to soulful living beings....all i feel is misogynistic or carnal images playing through my head. It's not like that's reserved to women as I find men to be just as painful to associate with.

I perform myself, and I don't find i'm the shy type.....Everyday i'm one of those types who speaks up if something needs to be said, and I do it with clarity. it's just I can't stand people to the point that it makes it impossible to get to know them...Conversing with people is like watching porn after you ejaculate. I feel like every conversation just leads into something dreadful...not in that "ahh...what a boring/creepy guy like OMG!" but it's like I suck out there energy to reciprocate them sucking mine...

I'm one of those guys that girls (people in general) just look down as they walk past lifting there head back up when there passed me (i notice it in peripheral vision) I feel like I just radiate negativity.

Some people are magnetic...I'm like the Bermuda Triangle...hehe

Suppose that's my cry for help...hehe

 

[Froggy Slayer]

I am incredibly shy when it comes to girls. 17 years old, never even kissed one. Madly in love with a girl for over a year now; still haven't worked up balls to ask her out yet, know rejection to be inevitability anyway. I understand the message about being confident but I'm afraid that I have very little to be confident about; and I don't want to fake it; I'm am not willing to be dishonest with myself. I doubt that there is anything destined for me other than a lonely death. Have grappled with idea of suicide as solution multiple times, but perhaps thought of never seeing my love again scares me more than never being with her.

 

[Mr F.]

Ish.

Apparently I am a charismatic bastard. I can see it ever so slightly, its not that hard for me to get a girlfriend sometimes. However... I find it hard to get that ball rolling. Once its clear that someone actually wants to talk to me I can keep talking. Which usually goes quite well.

Uh.

I dunno, I think I am shy. Other people say I am not. I hide in a suit these days. Cause people don't see much further then the suit.

I used to be much worse then I am now. I used to really struggle to talk to people.

All that aside, in about a years time I hope to be back on my feet and reenter the world of dating and whatnot. Got dumped under a week ago, things are still rather fresh. Meh.

Whenever I think about trying to date people I remember something a friend of mine once said, whilst hammered, and in tears. "[Redacted], Why is it you never get treated properly? You are one of the nicest guys I know, you are always willing to go the extra mile, yet whenever you date someone it goes badly and it just aint your fault!"

Lets see how things go in my second year at Uni. Cannot go much worse then my first year xD

EDIT:

I am incredibly shy when it comes to girls. 17 years old, never even kissed one. Madly in love with a girl for over a year now; still haven't worked up balls to ask her out yet, know rejection to be inevitability anyway. I understand the message about being confident but I'm afraid that I have very little to be confident about; and I don't want to fake it; I'm am not willing to be dishonest with myself. I doubt that there is anything destined for me other than a lonely death. Have grappled with idea of suicide as solution multiple times, but perhaps thought of never seeing my love again scares me more than never being with her.

It gets better. Seriously.

Back when I was 17, about 4 years back now, I was in a very similar place. Right down to the suicidal tendencies (Although that hasn't faded away yet, but whatever). I thought I was destined to die alone, all that stuff. I thought that the love I felt then was everything, I had nothing going for me.

Then a friend drags me to a gig and introduces me to someone she thought I would get along with. I dated that person for 7 months, fell in love with her rather quickly and still occasionally think about her to this day, despite it being 4ish mostly functional relationships ago.

Love creeps up on you. As does happiness. When life gives you lemons, find someone who is willing to throw lemons at other people with you. It does get better.

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

Get a Pikachu costume then start a conversation. She'll never know, and furthermore you're acting as if on behalf of something other than yourself, which I find helps with confidence. Not that I'd know. I'm probably the worst case of this in this thread.

 

[Silvanus]

Strike up a conversation with him, find out if he's single, casually drop the old "my ex-boyfriend and I used to..." line, see how he reacts afterwards. If he starts being more distant or acts "odd" (fronting, emphasising how much he's into girls, that sort of thing), he's straight, save yourself the humiliation and don't ask. If he's cool with it and doesn't change the way he acts around you (or seems friendlier or more interested), joke around about how all the guys you like end up being straight, and then be super casual, put on your most charming smile and go "And what about you? Do I have a shot if I ask you out?" If he says no, just let it slide right off you (keep up a (smaller) smile, sigh a little and go "Yeah, I figured. Ah, well, that's luck for ya. Get me another one, would you? Thanks!"). If he says yes, then congrats, you're in. You can start actually flirting then and eventually ask him out.

I likes the sound of that, it's the kind of thing I was mentally planning. If the scenario arises, I don't want to let it pass me by.

I usually don't feel comfortable bringing up relationships/ sexuality, but I could find a way to test the waters.

SNIP

Aye, I know my situation is probably very different from that of most people here. It's a very different game, and not at all an enjoyable one.

I'm 'out' in that everyone I'm friends with knows, but it's not outwardly apparent about me at all (IE, it doesn't come up in conversation with me often). So, I don't think he would suspect unless a mutual friend had mentioned it. I'm not too bothered about him mentioning it to someone; there aren't enough people left in this town that I know. I would try it, respectfully, if the chance arose, but it doesn't seem like any likely scenario will arise.


===


Back to Gen-Pop OT stuff: One of my very closest friends, someone I see whenever we're in the same town, who I'll continue to see long into the future. He's straight, & he's been aware that I've had feelings for him for years. It seriously doesn't affect how we interact; He finds it funny, & when I stay around his, we still sleep in the same bed, share sleeping bags when we go elsewhere ETC.

I remember him, when drunk, getting quite genuinely upset & apologising that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings. I want to make clear, he was saying this unsolicited; I don't try to 'convert' him. He brings up my sexuality more than I ever do.

Once, he did border on experimenting, and we never talked about it afterwards. I repeat, bordered on experimenting. This was quite a while ago. He's had another relationship since.

Would it be unfair of me to ask him, in the most honest & open way possible, whether he would like to give it a try? I seriously don't want to be unfair to him or our friendship. I'd do it lightheartedly, make it clear rejection is what I expect.

 

[Raine_sage]

I try not to make generalizations about nerds/geeks, mainly because it doesnt make sense, the average nerd doesnt have problems with talking to/approaching pretty girls, hell, im sure most of you take breaks from your dark souls marathon to have orgies with 12 % of the pep rally. (slight sarcasm).

But if youre anything like me, sometimes this puzzle game of attraction can be on a very high difficulty and there is nothing wrong for asking for each others help. So this is the thread where you post girl problems and hopefully get and answer, thats if yoshi doesnt make an egg out of you first

Ill start us off with a ShyGuy Problem Im having,

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

Well from a female perspective I can offer you this advice. If at all possible try not to approach her while she's on the train. I've had guys approach me on public transport before and it's a horrible feeling because if I say no then I'm stuck in a small enclosed space with them until my next stop. If you do ask her out on the train and she says no then try and move to another car if you can (it'll probably help spare your feelings as well, I can't imagine it'd be much fun for you to have to sit across from her either).

The biggest thing you can do though is try not to act nervous! I can't stress this enough, because the kind of confidence girls react to isn't the 'I'm so great look at my swag' kind. It's the 'I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, in this place, and I'll be perfectly ok if you say no because I'm confident enough not to take it personally'.

It's a big thing because if a guy approaches me and looks nervous or stressed out, it makes me nervous by proxy. Nervousness is infectious but also because I know what they're about to ask. And my brain has already started processing what is going to happen if I say no. The more strung out the guy looks, the higher the threat alarm in my head. The more relaxed, the more likely he is to get a yes.

 

[knight steel]

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

It's right in the phrase... you fake it till you make it. If you haven't made it yet then keep faking it. Eventually you'll either end up being a real confident person, or you'll get into a relationship and you'll end up feeling more confident just by being in a relationship. Good luck with it, it can take a long time but don't give up trying

Yeah but it's four years, if it was going to work it would have by now.........I just can't keep up the same fake confidence when it not working,I mean do you really think I should just continue trying it blindly,for another 8 years, how 18 years,will you take responsibility when I die alone?

 

[knight steel]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

I hate to say it but there's nothing more we can say. There are no love potions, psychological key phrases or magicr tricks that can make a girl like you. You need to be confident or fake it till you make it. Think of it this way. If you pretend to be confident and she likes what she sees, and agrees to date you, then you have something right there to be confident about.

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

What have you actually been doing that's different to four years ago? How do you look, act, dress? I mean 4 years ago I was pretty unrecognisable to who I am now. I'm 22, I lost my virginity at 21.

Beforeidn't talk to anyone except family,avoided people and groups,looked dishelvled/messy
Past four years: Talked to any one who would listen, went to places with people/groups, took care of my looks
results: A few extra "friends" who aren't happy to see me and try to avoid me, still never kissed a girl or gone on a date,zero self confidence worse than before.