Can someone recommend me a good sex sim?

[Tarlane]

Hm. I've had a lot of these though most of the extreme end of the awkward scale tend to be parent-related.

I had left the room for a while once while my(then) girlfriend and mom were talking, which was a big mistake on its own. When I came back in they had somehow gotten on the topic of whether I would look good with some sort of piercing and/or tattoo. Right when I came back in my pointed to the spot between her lip and chin and stated that I would probably look good with a 'taint brush' and they both turned and looked at me to get my opinion.

 

[cWg | Konka]

Do you beleive in god? do you believe he watches everyone, that he sees you at all times?
Works hard to help keep you on the true path? That he sees everything you do and think?
Even in secret? That he is omnipresent and always watching

Spoiler: Then my friend asked me this

[HEADING=1] Then do you masterbate?[/HEADING]

what do you say?

this reminds me of a time some bible basher told me god is always watching me, I replyed if he is watching masterbate he is a fag. he punch me in the nose, was worth it tho

 

[Kortney]

I have a distant memory of my Dad trying to explain to my brother what an erection is. That was so awkward I honestly considered face planting out the window to get out. But, like all awkward situations, it's kind of funny looking back.

 

[.No.]

The most awkward question I was asked was a few years ago, at lunch. A friend(female) asked everyone at our table what hand they masturbated with. Some people responded seriously, and wheren't the least bit weirded out.

 

[Th37thTrump3t]

when I came home with a friend of mine

mom ?is she your girlfriend ??
me ?????..mom that?s a guy?
ma ?oh? is he your boyfriend? ?
me ?sigh????.no?

Had a similar incident with my dad. Though later I asked him if he really thought he was a chick and he said he was just fucking with me.

OT: I think the most awkward question I've ever been asked was when my friend Danielle asked me how good me and my girlfriend's sex was... It was just out of the blue in the middle of Biology.

 

[DAPLR]

I have a really good one.

I made my own 'how to have sex' site when I was 16 (now 17), and word got around and my mother and Dad forced me to show them what was on it...I still hear her words, 'urgh, talking about dildos and putting penis' in your mouth URGH!'

Now thats awkward

 

[Tharwen]

I once got asked by a Czech friend what "to get with" meant.

I did my best.

 

[SangRahl]

Do you beleive in god? do you believe he watches everyone, that he sees you at all times?
Works hard to help keep you on the true path? That he sees everything you do and think?
Even in secret? That he is omnipresent and always watching

Spoiler: Then my friend asked me this

[HEADING=1] Then do you masterbate?[/HEADING]

what do you say?

Heh... I actually used something similar on an old friend of mine and perpetual prankster, who also happened to be the minister of my family's church.

At a group function, I sidle up to him having a conversation with a few others from the youth group. He turns to me in greeting, "Well, good to see you again. How have you been?"

"Not bad. So, do you still beat your wife?"

The others were shocked, and he was left in a state only describable as being akin to a conversational Schrodinger's Cat. (Can't answer "yes", can't say "no"... umm, guh...)

I just elbowed him in the side and left with, "That's for the petroleum jelly on the phone earpiece."

 

[DarkSeraphim02]

My own mother, while absolutely tanked one mothers day, looked me square in the face and said "you need to get laid".

Recently she said that to me again, this time while sober. Not exactly a question, but still pretty awkward.

 

[captaincabbage]

when I came home with a friend of mine

mom ?is she your girlfriend ??
me ?????..mom that?s a guy?
ma ?oh? is he your boyfriend? ?
me ?sigh????.no?

Fuckin' lol'd.

OT: When I had "The Talk" with my Mum and Dad when I was 17. 17 damnit! I'd already been having sex for over a year with my current girlfriend at that point. You might not guess how it went though:
Spoiler for hilarious wall of text

Spoiler

So, my oblivious Mum had been badgering my Stepdad (I consider him my Dad) to have "The Talk" with me, so I would know what boobies are for I assume. I'm just chillin' out in my room playing Pokemon as usual with my girlfriend and Dad knocks on the door and comes in. He asks my GF to leave for a moment and sits down on my bed next to me. He says "Son, I think we kinda have to have a talk, or something.", to which I immediately reply "About sex? I already know about it Dad.".
I could practically feel the cool wave of relief wash over him as he sighed and said "Oh thank fuck." and he stood up and left, waving my GF in as he left.
I could hear my Mum give him an earful from the kitchen, grumbling about how "it's not that bloody hard" and "A bloody child could do it".
My girlfriend sat down on the bed and started giggling, telling my that she'd heard the whole thing, at which point I batted her over the back of the head for being so rude. It was incredibly difficult and awkward for him to do that and I appreciated it.
I did appreciate the knock on the door I got moments later though. I was my Mother, with her arms crossed and her "determined" look on her face. "Son, we need to talk" She said in a stern and authorative voice.
She asked my GF to leave and sat down on the bed next to me, at which point all of her confidence left and all she could muster was an " . . . Uuuuhhhh. . ."
We sat there for about a minute and then she started blabbing on about sex as fast as she could speak. After about a minute she finished and stood up, walking briskly to the door in embarrassment, opening it to my GF and Dad both at the door, cracking up with laughter, my dad was literally rofling, at which point I started giggling too.
Mum walked out redfaced and it was the last we ever heard of it.

 

[captaincabbage]

My own mother, while absolutely tanked one mothers day, looked me square in the face and said "you need to get laid".

Recently she said that to me again, this time while sober. Not exactly a question, but still pretty awkward.

And lo, how right she was.

 

[DarkSeraphim02]

My own mother, while absolutely tanked one mothers day, looked me square in the face and said "you need to get laid".

Recently she said that to me again, this time while sober. Not exactly a question, but still pretty awkward.

And lo, how right she was.

No argument there.

 

[Squarez]

My Mom:How do you hit on women at school, do you know how to lie down the smooth lines?

Tell your mum you made a random, English stranger on the internet laugh his arse off.

 

[Macheteswordgun]

Rapel... oh, never mind >_>

Not me but once my friend was talking to my mother about fruit, (he'll talk for hours about anything) while my other friend and I were in the next room, we then heard my 60year old mother (on the subject of strawberries) mention that "Spanish ones are bigger, but British ones are more flavorful.", we nearly died laughing, the best part is that neither of them realised what had just been said.

EDIT: Wait a better one, My friend (the strawberry one) myself his mother and her mate were drinking one night, now this was only my second time drinking and it turns out that I become candid while drunk.
You see my mate has a rep for being a bit blunt when it comes to sexuality ie he openly ogles women as we pass them on the street then asks my opinion of the quality of their arses.
However while they were joking about it I pointed out that despite the fact I and my other mate don't even notice women on the street we are indeed perverts, I revealed then explained my mates love of futa.
That's not even half of it, I then explained a few of my fetishes, starting with my love of bondage, passing through my love of futa, adding on the enjoyment I get from tentacle porn, segwaying in to my furry fetish then ending with a frank unashamed description of my voreaphillia!
It wasn't till an hour or two later that I realised what I'd done, and if that weren't bad enough his mother texted me a few days later asking for details on the mechanics.

I FUCKING DARE YOU to tell me you've had a more awkward discussion than that!

A gf who loved some anime i can't remember the name and almost never talked to me the 9 months we say each other but she would do nothing but meow even during sex. Nothing more akward than a friend in the next room hearing a woman meow till she cums. Harder to explain also.

 

[EHKOS]

A conversation with two females and myself about female masturbation.

I learned WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH.

Please, go on. You never know when you'll learn something new (though I doubt I will.)

Spoiler: Sexually Disturbing

Spoiler: You've Been Warned

Spoiler: Please Don't Suspend Me

During the course of this FOUR HOUR conversation, I found out my female friend used what could only be described as a war mace as a [sub]dildo[/sub], a silver bullet, and the only reason she smiled at me every day at work was because she had a... certain type of vibrator running.

At work.

All.

Day.

Long.

I will go no further, as I am on probation and can't afford to get to the nasty stuff.

Wow...thats...huh. I didn't know batteries lasted that long...or women...

Wow...thats...huh. I didn't know batteries lasted that long...or women...

 

[AshDesert]

Talking to one of my female friends on AIM:

Her: What are you doin right now?
Me: 'Batin
Her: Well, that makes two

Moment of awkwardness I caused while explaining TF2 classes to one of my friends (spoilered for content):

Spoiler

Me: They really made the game so you could play whatever you want to. Heavy for n00bs, Spy for stealth game fans, Sniper for adventure gamers (although the only puzzle is use Gun on Guy) and Medic for pussies.
Him: But don't you always want a Medic on your team?
Me: Don't you always want some pussy around? Yes, but (thick sarcasm) you need penises to get the job done.
Him: You're horrible.

 

[Choose a Username]

This thread is... Not what I expected, it's better! xD

I don't really have awkward conversations, I tend to laugh it off.
I'm a joker by nature, you see.

I do have one story though, "the talk" oh God... the God-damn talk!
I was 14 and single, my mum thought it would be appropriate to come in while I'm playing CoD4 and try to tell me about "the birds and the bees" to which I replied "I know mum, now go away".

I'm 16 now, been with my girlfriend for over a year and my parents haven't yet tried to tell me about sex, lucky me!

 

[Macheteswordgun]

A gf who loved some anime i can't remember the name and almost never talked to me the 9 months we say each other but she would do nothing but meow even during sex. Nothing more akward than a friend in the next room hearing a woman meow till she cums. Harder to explain also.

Are you sure she wasn't actually a cat? :3

Yes but thats only one of the things i can tell you if i told more i'd prob get banned... besides she didnt like it in the cat if you catch my drift =X

ededualb users was mah captcha lol