I'm curious, whats the name of the thread?avykins said:
And you shouldn't be so quick to judge people by your own experiences.
(Follow-up, more questions!) My girlfriend is depressed, and...
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And you shouldn't be so quick to judge people by your own experiences.
... So you wasted several years of your life in order to get "revenge" on an ex that had obviously moved on with her life, just so you could screw up her life and put her back into a depression she had managed to get out of? You're a swell guy.avykins said:
What's the point of making someone suffer just for the sake of suffering itself? At least whatever she did to you that made you so angry and bitter, she didn't do on purpose. The fact that you did it just to make her suffer only makes you a hell of a lot worse.
Give her my patented DDoT or Deadly Dose of Truth. Subject her to other people's woes and suffering. That'll teach her to look at the bright side. I rationalize my suffering by telling myself that somewhere out there, someone is living a shittier life than me. And look at where I am now!
Still curious about that thread, bud.avykins said:Who said I wasted years of my life ?Nomadic said:
Some people can keep shit on the back burner you know... get on with their lives then when the time is perfect just do a small thing to make someone know what its like. And yes. She did do it on purpose hence why I put a little effort into it. Besides dont judge what you dont know. People are stupid and need to suffer to learn. If nothing happens to them then they keep on doing it. Trust me, I posted a couple things of what she was like and I got a couple PMs saying it was justified. XD Anyway enough about me, I just told the op that so he could understand where I was coming from.
To the topic at hand: I read from all of this, dear OP, that you are a very constant factor in her life (naturally). My perception is that due to the fact that your caring and comforting is so constant that it might be taken for granted by her. I know this is a very loose comparison but when people get exposed to a good thing regularly, they get used to it. Soon this thing will be nothing more than something that should always be there, instead of something a person should be aware of, and be grateful that it's there. I'm afraid this might have happened to you. She got used to you being there and doing all these fantastic things for her and now she just doesn't acknowledge how special it is anymore.
I'm not saying 'ditch the *****' or anything, and this might still sound harsh but she needs to know what she has by losing it. Not entirely of course but just for a little while, to make her realise she has a good thing going and that not even you can endure that much crap in a relationship, because I think she has grown accustomed to the fact that you'll be there no matter how much it hurts, and she needs to realise it's not normal.
I advise you to try it some time, if you feel like you can let it go for a little while. I say this because it seems that other than doing anything you could, you haven't tried doing nothing at all yet.
Lastly I would like to say you have my respect for seeing this through for so long. She'd better be completely worth it. Either you're a very good person, or just stupid.
I'm going to have to go with jim_doki on this one:
You can't make another person happy, ever. If they don't have the capacity to be happy, then you are wasting your energy. I think at this point, though you want to help her, all you are really doing is enabling her. And giving her another stick to beat herself with, in all likelihood, since she probably broods a lot on how badly she's treating you, even as she continues to treat you badly. That's what I did.
At this point, you aren't helping her, you are only enabling her. And I also agree with Bright_Raven that she probably does, at some level, want to end the relationship but she wants you to do it so you can be the bad guy. Go ahead and be the bad guy. It's for the best.
In the end, she's going to need to decided whether she really wants to live, what life she wants to have, and what she's willing to do to get it. You cannot do any of this for her. You can, however, become poisoned by her emotional toxicity.
Do what you think is best, but watch out for yourself. Remember what they say about the dangers of trying to rescue drowning people.
You can't make another person happy, ever. If they don't have the capacity to be happy, then you are wasting your energy. I think at this point, though you want to help her, all you are really doing is enabling her. And giving her another stick to beat herself with, in all likelihood, since she probably broods a lot on how badly she's treating you, even as she continues to treat you badly. That's what I did.
At this point, you aren't helping her, you are only enabling her. And I also agree with Bright_Raven that she probably does, at some level, want to end the relationship but she wants you to do it so you can be the bad guy. Go ahead and be the bad guy. It's for the best.
In the end, she's going to need to decided whether she really wants to live, what life she wants to have, and what she's willing to do to get it. You cannot do any of this for her. You can, however, become poisoned by her emotional toxicity.
Do what you think is best, but watch out for yourself. Remember what they say about the dangers of trying to rescue drowning people.
The thing about mental problems is that they are unique. A professional might be able to help, meds might be able to help, reflecting on one's self may help. Dragging yourself to your feet by doing things you *know* to be beneficial, even if you no longer *care* about any of them or their results, may help. Sometimes you even need to give up before you can heal.
Accepting the existence of the problem is hard. To stop worrying about when it will go away is harder. But probably the hardest is coming to grips with the fact that you don't really know what's going on in your head, and might never know. People are mercifully unconscious of this, perceiving only firm control and free choice, just as they are unconscious of how their car works exactly. It's only after something breaks down that they must deal with everything at the same time - or so it feels.
When you don't have the strength to care for yourself or the people around you, that doesn't mean you necessarily hate yourself or them either. The healthy rarely understand just how hard something can be to a sick person - something you'd normally think takes no strength at all. I was once in a high fever for an extended period of time, initially hospitalized, later at home. Though I was conscious, it was too taxing to listen to anyone read a book aloud. It was enough that they sat there.
I wish you guys the best.
Accepting the existence of the problem is hard. To stop worrying about when it will go away is harder. But probably the hardest is coming to grips with the fact that you don't really know what's going on in your head, and might never know. People are mercifully unconscious of this, perceiving only firm control and free choice, just as they are unconscious of how their car works exactly. It's only after something breaks down that they must deal with everything at the same time - or so it feels.
When you don't have the strength to care for yourself or the people around you, that doesn't mean you necessarily hate yourself or them either. The healthy rarely understand just how hard something can be to a sick person - something you'd normally think takes no strength at all. I was once in a high fever for an extended period of time, initially hospitalized, later at home. Though I was conscious, it was too taxing to listen to anyone read a book aloud. It was enough that they sat there.
I wish you guys the best.
No, what's regression therapy? Also, she has two cats of her own and I have a pet as well.Losh Wi Thang said:
I am a constant factor in her life, and she was absolutely amazing before this depression hit. She's been a fantastic boost in my life, and what was nice is that neither of us needed the other. It's still that way, though now it seems like she 'needs' me to some degree while simultaneously not necessarily wanting me. She continues to tell me she cares, but she doesn't feel it.Sennz0r said:Still curious about that thread, bud.avykins said:Who said I wasted years of my life ?Nomadic said:
Some people can keep shit on the back burner you know... get on with their lives then when the time is perfect just do a small thing to make someone know what its like. And yes. She did do it on purpose hence why I put a little effort into it. Besides dont judge what you dont know. People are stupid and need to suffer to learn. If nothing happens to them then they keep on doing it. Trust me, I posted a couple things of what she was like and I got a couple PMs saying it was justified. XD Anyway enough about me, I just told the op that so he could understand where I was coming from.
To the topic at hand: I read from all of this, dear OP, that you are a very constant factor in her life (naturally). My perception is that due to the fact that your caring and comforting is so constant that it might be taken for granted by her. I know this is a very loose comparison but when people get exposed to a good thing regularly, they get used to it. Soon this thing will be nothing more than something that should always be there, instead of something a person should be aware of, and be grateful that it's there. I'm afraid this might have happened to you. She got used to you being there and doing all these fantastic things for her and now she just doesn't acknowledge how special it is anymore.
I'm not saying 'ditch the *****' or anything, and this might still sound harsh but she needs to know what she has by losing it. Not entirely of course but just for a little while, to make her realise she has a good thing going and that not even you can endure that much crap in a relationship, because I think she has grown accustomed to the fact that you'll be there no matter how much it hurts, and she needs to realise it's not normal.
I advise you to try it some time, if you feel like you can let it go for a little while. I say this because it seems that other than doing anything you could, you haven't tried doing nothing at all yet.
Lastly I would like to say you have my respect for seeing this through for so long. She'd better be completely worth it. Either you're a very good person, or just stupid.
I'm sure she is, to a degree, taking me for granted; at the same time, I'm not sure she'd care at this point if I disappeared too awfully much. I can't say that with any degree of certainty, obviously, but I'm fairly confident she wouldn't much care if only because of the depression. She may LATER, after snapping out of the depression, realize it-- but not right now. It'd be futile, I think.
Perhaps I will try backing off, though. Also, thank you for the respect-- it does mean a lot.
She's never had any issue in the past breaking up with someone-- she's never been the person who's been broken up with, in fact. I doubt that's the case. It's not like she's unhappy with causality (though there may be some trigger I can't place); she's unhappy due to a clinical major depressive disorder.TheNecroswanson said:
I have considered all that before, though. I've tried taking most angles I could. It's not like her to do that-- I even asked her if she wanted to be with me, and she said yes. She explained that she doesn't feel badly with me, she just doesn't feel right now much at all.
Thanks, everyone, for your advice and support.
I'm going to start with this little piece of ignorance.
Singularapathy,
I've been in just about the same situation you've been in with my current girlfriend. All I can say is that I've touched it out; it took about a month and a half for her to get past it. Don't lose hope, it seems like the love you have for her would be terrible if you were to just bail out now. Stay strong and keep us informed, alright?
Emo? Really? Sorry. Makes me think what people have come to when you're reading a forum about helping a person who is obviously very much in love with a girl who is going through rough times. Then you come here and post some insensitive dribble here just to change it around? Time and place, we're trying to help the man and you're here telling him "Dump the emo *****." Thats not only rude but INCREDIBLY ignorant, you should try to hold your tongue if all your going to spout out is a bunch of bullshit.avykins said:
Singularapathy,
I've been in just about the same situation you've been in with my current girlfriend. All I can say is that I've touched it out; it took about a month and a half for her to get past it. Don't lose hope, it seems like the love you have for her would be terrible if you were to just bail out now. Stay strong and keep us informed, alright?
Realy? Not been through the same thing? A month and a half of dealing with it, is still dealing with it none the less. Pretty sure I didn't say it was the same down to the last detail now did I? No, I said just about The same thing. Maybe you should read it over a few times because you obviously don't seem to comprehend things very well the first skim over. As for the 'Mommy kick you out.' You act like your intelligent yet you generalize that because I pose some opposition to what your saying that I must just be some person living with my mom at what do you think? late 20's? Wrong. I'm 17. Stop generalizing and actually post something useful you dumb twat.avykins said:
As for not reading all your posts, wrong. I'd stop taking random guesses, it's making you look like you're 'Pigshit Retarded'. Probbaly your cold attitude that got you dumped in the first place. Couple years of biding your time just to get someone back, I hope you're really proud of yourself. You're officially a Grade-A Douche, go hang yourself.
As for the 'hard thruth'. You're wrong, thats not the hard truth that's just your own crude way of thinking about things, how about you actually get into a situation such as he's in, it's not very pretty. Try loving someone as much as he obviously does, then have the person of your affection get very depressed for 'x' months. You say "Dump her and move on." It's quite obvious you've never even had a good relationship in your entire life to be saying something like that without even giving it a second thought.
Anyways I'm finished having to put stuff like this on his thread so if you have anything to say just PM it, I'm not turning this into a flame war.
Oh lordy, some of the comments on this thread are not helpful. That's the most I'm bothering to say about them.
Basically, I have been in your girlfriends situation, almost to the letter.
I've had major clinical depression on and off for well over fifteen years (although it hasn't reared it's head for the past five) due to some nasty things happening, no need to go into that here, you already know what depression is like, and mine was almost identical to your girlfriends.
I found I got a LOT worse when I was with someone. I knew that I was making their life hell, and that made me feel SO much worse. I used to self harm in order to try to cope without upsetting anyone, but on the few occasions when I was 'caught' it was terrible. I barely felt anything, and to be honest I don't know whether I really did love my ex - I felt so little, all I knew was that I didn't mind being near him.
In the end I realised that we only spent time together because that was what we had done for the past four years. He tried his best to make me feel better, but (loathe as I am to admit it) having someone pity me did stop me trying to drag myself out of my pit. It is important to have someone to lean on, but the trappings and responsibilities of being in a relationship are too much to cope with when you are really depressed. You don't have to leave her totally, but it would be best for both of you to pull back a little, but let her know that you are there when she really needs you, any time of day or night.
Medication-wise, it took fifteen goes to find one that worked for me. There are other treatments available too, sometimes counselling can't do the job alone.
Usually depression is either caused biologically or psychologically. I know mine is at least partially biological, due to the high incidence of it in my family, plus it's re-emergence over a long period.
Have you any idea what caused this depression?
I also agree that distractions tend to work very well, especially as from what you have said this is something that has had a marked effect. Have you thought about tai-chi or similar? Exercise helps to release chemicals that combat depression, and can actually be prescribed by a GP as a treatment. St. Johns Wort might be worth a try too, as long as she isn't on the pill.
Avoid regression therapy. Not a good idea. Thats how False Memory Syndrome began. Plus if the depressive episode is biological or due to a recent trauma there is literally no point to it.
My ex and I are good friends now, and I can't believe what I put him through. I am pretty sure if we were still together I wouldn't have been able to get out of my 'pit', so to speak - it doesn't make sense, having someone love you and be there for you should help, but it honestly made things worse. It sounds as though she knows what you are going through, and that won't help her at all. The main aspects of most relationships aren't present with you two right now, so pulling back a little is something that I really think would help to lessen the pressure on both of you - just make sure that she knows that it doesn't have to be permanent, you won't go off with anyone else (or at least will warn her first, I didn't have that luxury), and that you are still there for her whenever she needs it.
Saying all that, there is the small but present chance that this might make her worse. Keep an eye on her and see how it goes. It might just be hard for her to hear, it might be too much. I honestly think, personally, that it will help her, but everyone is different and I'm certain that you know her best - if there are any signs that pulling back might be dangerous, then use your own judgement.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, as I said I've been in her shoes for a long time, so it might help to speak to someone if she is not able to. I'm online at least a couple of times a week so I can give you my mail if you need someone to chat to.
Basically, I have been in your girlfriends situation, almost to the letter.
I've had major clinical depression on and off for well over fifteen years (although it hasn't reared it's head for the past five) due to some nasty things happening, no need to go into that here, you already know what depression is like, and mine was almost identical to your girlfriends.
I found I got a LOT worse when I was with someone. I knew that I was making their life hell, and that made me feel SO much worse. I used to self harm in order to try to cope without upsetting anyone, but on the few occasions when I was 'caught' it was terrible. I barely felt anything, and to be honest I don't know whether I really did love my ex - I felt so little, all I knew was that I didn't mind being near him.
In the end I realised that we only spent time together because that was what we had done for the past four years. He tried his best to make me feel better, but (loathe as I am to admit it) having someone pity me did stop me trying to drag myself out of my pit. It is important to have someone to lean on, but the trappings and responsibilities of being in a relationship are too much to cope with when you are really depressed. You don't have to leave her totally, but it would be best for both of you to pull back a little, but let her know that you are there when she really needs you, any time of day or night.
Medication-wise, it took fifteen goes to find one that worked for me. There are other treatments available too, sometimes counselling can't do the job alone.
Usually depression is either caused biologically or psychologically. I know mine is at least partially biological, due to the high incidence of it in my family, plus it's re-emergence over a long period.
Have you any idea what caused this depression?
I also agree that distractions tend to work very well, especially as from what you have said this is something that has had a marked effect. Have you thought about tai-chi or similar? Exercise helps to release chemicals that combat depression, and can actually be prescribed by a GP as a treatment. St. Johns Wort might be worth a try too, as long as she isn't on the pill.
Avoid regression therapy. Not a good idea. Thats how False Memory Syndrome began. Plus if the depressive episode is biological or due to a recent trauma there is literally no point to it.
My ex and I are good friends now, and I can't believe what I put him through. I am pretty sure if we were still together I wouldn't have been able to get out of my 'pit', so to speak - it doesn't make sense, having someone love you and be there for you should help, but it honestly made things worse. It sounds as though she knows what you are going through, and that won't help her at all. The main aspects of most relationships aren't present with you two right now, so pulling back a little is something that I really think would help to lessen the pressure on both of you - just make sure that she knows that it doesn't have to be permanent, you won't go off with anyone else (or at least will warn her first, I didn't have that luxury), and that you are still there for her whenever she needs it.
Saying all that, there is the small but present chance that this might make her worse. Keep an eye on her and see how it goes. It might just be hard for her to hear, it might be too much. I honestly think, personally, that it will help her, but everyone is different and I'm certain that you know her best - if there are any signs that pulling back might be dangerous, then use your own judgement.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, as I said I've been in her shoes for a long time, so it might help to speak to someone if she is not able to. I'm online at least a couple of times a week so I can give you my mail if you need someone to chat to.
What happened in your particular situation? And, in terms of this-- it's been going on for three months thus far. I expect it'll be going on another three, at the least, if her therapy progresses further. Here's hoping, and we'll see. I'll definitely keep everyone informed.Axiis said:
Also, Sonnet, I understand. If she thinks this is too hard, I do think she'd let me know and she'd pull back. We're both trying our best to balance everything; it's kind of "wait and see" right now.
Her symptoms were almost identical to your girlfriends. Just depressed, didn't want to do anything. Except in my case she wouldn't seek professional help, even after I offered to pay for it and everything.singularapathy said:
What I did was wait it out, I spent as much time with her as possible, similar to you. I tried our different things but she eventually just up and got over. I'd have to say that's so far been the worst month and a half of my life. I stayed with her, always reminded her I loved her and that I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Don't lose hope.
Call me cruel if you like, but I would cut my losses and walk away. One thing that everyone should learn is when to quit.
I'll quit if I feel like I should. I'm not ruling out that possibility.Ace of Spades said:
Good to know there's hope, and that it worked out for you. Here's hoping the same thing goes down here.Axiis said:
For Christmas, I bought her the "Original Bootlegs" CD set by Tori Amos, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and six yoga sessions. She really loved the yoga and it helped her more than any other thing, thus far-- so I'm hoping the yoga sessions will be a catalyst of sorts. The book is to accompany the movie that's coming out soon, but the Original Bootlegs thing is huge. Or I hope it is/will be. Her last boyfriend never listened to her, and apparently she showed him this CD collection a few times saying she really wanted it (in random conversations), and he got her the wrong collection but then thought he was awesome for getting the right thing. He just didn't pay attention to her.
She never told me the name of the collection, but described it, and I checked with her best friend, and it's definitely this one. I'm hoping that, more than my words, that will say "look, I care. I'm here. I listen. I'm not going anywhere." Heh.
Again, I'll make sure to keep you all updated.
I'm sorry to hear what your going through. I've spent several years with severe clinical depression so I have a pretty good idea what she's going through.
What I'd suggest is that you mix it up a bit. When your depressed days and weeks just become this routine, and all you do is go through the motions and nothing ever changes. so break up the cycle a little. do some things you've never done before.
Also, you need to get her to talk to you more. whenever she goes silent in the middle of a conversation find out what she's thinking.
And what about her family and friends?, how are they dealing with this?. I recommend you talk with them if you're having problems coping. sometimes you just need to vent and they'll know what your going through.
best of luck man.
What I'd suggest is that you mix it up a bit. When your depressed days and weeks just become this routine, and all you do is go through the motions and nothing ever changes. so break up the cycle a little. do some things you've never done before.
Also, you need to get her to talk to you more. whenever she goes silent in the middle of a conversation find out what she's thinking.
And what about her family and friends?, how are they dealing with this?. I recommend you talk with them if you're having problems coping. sometimes you just need to vent and they'll know what your going through.
best of luck man.
this actually sounds extremely advanced
If your love is unrequited, then yes, I would back out
there's no point in staying with someone
who doesn't feel anything anymore
If your love is unrequited, then yes, I would back out
there's no point in staying with someone
who doesn't feel anything anymore