Horror Movie Survival 101

[Insert Comedy Here]

For the love of spoonage, do not ever, EVER try to be funny, you will die, chances are right after you say something funny.


The safe room you're in? It isn't. Oh no it bloody isn't...


The 'crazy' guy who predicts the towns maiming by some ungodly, supernatural monstrosity, well he is crazy, but he is crazy awesome, and should at all accounts be persuaded to reveal more information. Because he also is an ex-marine, with a shotgun on hand at all times.


As a rule of thumb, don't be the following: Smart, stupid, popular, slutty, funny, muscular, ethnic, realist, optimist, sadist, smoker, non-smoker, older than thirty, younger than twenty-five, older than seventeen, a hunter, an army guy, a concerned father, a concerned relative, concerned, afraid, indifferent, drunk or high (Unless you are in Lesbian Vampire Hunters for the last two. Yah.)

And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever vacation in a secluded village or lodge in the mountains or alps, in fact, don't name those places Woodpine or Timber Falls, name them Come Here and Get Brutally Murdered Pines and Killing Spree Magnet and Let's See Where Your Body Falls.

I'm done here.

 

[Hookman]

Never go to the cops,for two reasons:
1:They cannot help
2:They will probably think you're nuts and stick you in a cell!

 

[spartan117cxvy]

How about killing a few of your friends that are with you to scare the hell out of the killer? And keep multiple loaded pistols and knives with you at all times when you know you're being hunted.

 

[TheMadDoctorsCat]

For the love of spoonage, do not ever, EVER try to be funny, you will die, chances are right after you say something funny.


The safe room you're in? It isn't. Oh no it bloody isn't...


The 'crazy' guy who predicts the towns maiming by some ungodly, supernatural monstrosity, well he is crazy, but he is crazy awesome, and should at all accounts be persuaded to reveal more information. Because he also is an ex-marine, with a shotgun on hand at all times.


As a rule of thumb, don't be the following: Smart, stupid, popular, slutty, funny, muscular, ethnic, realist, optimist, sadist, smoker, non-smoker, older than thirty, younger than twenty-five, older than seventeen, a hunter, an army guy, a concerned father, a concerned relative, concerned, afraid, indifferent, drunk or high (Unless you are in Lesbian Vampire Hunters for the last two. Yah.)

And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever vacation in a secluded village or lodge in the mountains or alps, in fact, don't name those places Woodpine or Timber Falls, name them Come Here and Get Brutally Murdered Pines and Killing Spree Magnet and Let's See Where Your Body Falls.

I'm done here.

You forgot the town sheriff who's hiding a Big Secret.

Weirdly, it's usually ok to be the heroine's parent. They usually survive.

 

[spartan117cxvy]

"Never hang out with a virgin. Either get someone in her pants or get the hell away from her!"

Words of wisdom right there.

EDIT: Whosoever can tell me the source of this awesome advice will get a mighty cookie.

Scream?

Nope.

The cookie remains unclaimed.

I believe it was Scream 3, and the character was Randy who said this.

No, Wait! It was in the movie Behind the Mask: Rise of Leslie Vernon. The character Jamie said it!

 

[Insert Comedy Here]

For the love of spoonage, do not ever, EVER try to be funny, you will die, chances are right after you say something funny.


The safe room you're in? It isn't. Oh no it bloody isn't...


The 'crazy' guy who predicts the towns maiming by some ungodly, supernatural monstrosity, well he is crazy, but he is crazy awesome, and should at all accounts be persuaded to reveal more information. Because he also is an ex-marine, with a shotgun on hand at all times.


As a rule of thumb, don't be the following: Smart, stupid, popular, slutty, funny, muscular, ethnic, realist, optimist, sadist, smoker, non-smoker, older than thirty, younger than twenty-five, older than seventeen, a hunter, an army guy, a concerned father, a concerned relative, concerned, afraid, indifferent, drunk or high (Unless you are in Lesbian Vampire Hunters for the last two. Yah.)

And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever vacation in a secluded village or lodge in the mountains or alps, in fact, don't name those places Woodpine or Timber Falls, name them Come Here and Get Brutally Murdered Pines and Killing Spree Magnet and Let's See Where Your Body Falls.

I'm done here.

You forgot the town sheriff who's hiding a Big Secret.

Weirdly, it's usually ok to be the heroine's parent. They usually survive.

Ever watched Nightmare on Elm Street? Yeah, not so much.

You can't blame the kids for stupidity there though, Krueger attacks in their sleep, and the only way to survive it is to deny yourself a fundamental body function.

 

[RedDiablo]

Whenever your friend is suddenly missing, don't go trying to find them. Especially yelling their name.

Don't say, "Finally", cause the antagonist is still there, probably behind you, or will come right after you say that.

 

[sneakypenguin]

Get a concealed carry license and don't take any chances.

Hehe the easy way out of things.

Mr jason/mutant/freddy/monster meet 13 rounds of .357 sig hollowpoints.
All horror movies would be over in 10 min if they had a few gun owners.... I wonder why it's always liberal, peace loving, helpless, antigun college students who are monster chow...

 

[GrinningManiac]

If you are an ethnic minority, flee to your indeginous area before disaster strikes. That way, you won't be the first to die (in accordance with Hollywoodisabigot's law of The Black/Asian guy dies first)

Bay's Law: If something looks perfectly safe, it will explode. If you need to get into a computer system, just rap your fingers on the keryboard REALLY quickly, and it will overcome all firewalls. This also applies for action films (and very strange romcoms)

Most zombies will be horribly mutilated, even if they only died a second ago. This is because even viruses/voodoo succumbs to the will of clichés

If you hear something behind you and when you look, there's nothing there: DON'T turn back, the axe murder will be in front of you. Instead, use this knowledge of an empty, murderer-free corridor and flee down it at once

If someone says "what was that?" after a terrifyingly dramatic period of silence, duck, there is likley something about to strike.

Team up with a composer. They will intinctivley know what kind of music (if any) would be sutible for whatever situation you are in. Through this, you can determine what will happen next (like above)

 

[N_of_the_dead]

"Never hang out with a virgin. Either get someone in her pants or get the hell away from her!"

Words of wisdom right there.

EDIT: Whosoever can tell me the source of this awesome advice will get a mighty cookie.

Behind the Mask Rise of Leslie Vernon,

i wanna see who remember this quote

"Rule number 1 you got to be quick
Rule number 2 don't fall down
and rule number 3 whatever you do dont look back yo wish me luck. SNATCH AN RUN YALL!"


but another one comes to mind stop wondering off to investigate strange noises or look for friends if they are gone for more than fifteen minutes they're probably dead

 

[Vrex360]

"Never hang out with a virgin. Either get someone in her pants or get the hell away from her!"

Words of wisdom right there.

EDIT: Whosoever can tell me the source of this awesome advice will get a mighty cookie.

Behind the Mask: The rise of Leslie Vernon

*holds out hand expectantly*

 

[TheMadDoctorsCat]

For the love of spoonage, do not ever, EVER try to be funny, you will die, chances are right after you say something funny.


The safe room you're in? It isn't. Oh no it bloody isn't...


The 'crazy' guy who predicts the towns maiming by some ungodly, supernatural monstrosity, well he is crazy, but he is crazy awesome, and should at all accounts be persuaded to reveal more information. Because he also is an ex-marine, with a shotgun on hand at all times.


As a rule of thumb, don't be the following: Smart, stupid, popular, slutty, funny, muscular, ethnic, realist, optimist, sadist, smoker, non-smoker, older than thirty, younger than twenty-five, older than seventeen, a hunter, an army guy, a concerned father, a concerned relative, concerned, afraid, indifferent, drunk or high (Unless you are in Lesbian Vampire Hunters for the last two. Yah.)

And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever vacation in a secluded village or lodge in the mountains or alps, in fact, don't name those places Woodpine or Timber Falls, name them Come Here and Get Brutally Murdered Pines and Killing Spree Magnet and Let's See Where Your Body Falls.

I'm done here.

You forgot the town sheriff who's hiding a Big Secret.

Weirdly, it's usually ok to be the heroine's parent. They usually survive.

Ever watched Nightmare on Elm Street? Yeah, not so much.

You can't blame the kids for stupidity there though, Krueger attacks in their sleep, and the only way to survive it is to deny yourself a fundamental body function.

I was thinking of that one... doesn't the mother survive in that? The parents CAUSE the problem, but the kids are the VICTIMS of it. Typical.

Sydney's father survives all three Scream films, despite playing significant roles in two of them. He gets locked in a closet but never actually dies. Likewise in Halloween films the parents are usually out of town, so don't get themselves butchered.

Come to think of it, "go out of town" is probably the best advice you can possibly get. Unless it involves visiting any kind of hospital, skyscraper, airport, campsite, or woodland retreat...

 

[Gigaguy64]

if it dark, raining, and you see a big house where the only light on is in the room on the 2nd floor to the left....KEEP DRIVING!!!!!!

 

[quiet_samurai]

Never drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, investigate strange noises, split up, or be of the African persuasion.

Stay close to the nice virginy/secretly hot girl, she always lives.

 

[Vrex360]

Rules for surviving a horror movie that I have noticed:
1. If you are the boyfriend of the nice girl our main boy finds attractive, don't be a prick because that gets you killed.
2. Never say something like: "I am vital to the survival of everyone here because only I can open the door" because that is an invite to get chomped on by a monster.
3. Never go off alone, classic but still holds true
4. Never be even remotely likeable because the producers always kill you off first
5. Don't be a good looking girl who has a sexual itch, that's bad.

 

[daconcon]

by all means DO NOT have sex in the abandoned house

 

[daconcon]

oh, also if you are the boyfriend/girlfriend of the protagonist, you may last a while, but you WILL be the last to die, right when you think you guys killed the guy he's going to jump out and grab you and eat you

 

[fix-the-spade]

If it's post 1995, don't be white, blonde and wearing glasses.

Be the guy with a flamethrower, always.

 

[prttmgerbil]

Something no one ever, thinks of...Get the *bleep* out! Get in your car and go home. Or in a pinch, don't go to begin with! "Oh I heard if you sleep in the woods homicidal maniac will kill you!" Logic will tell you, don't go in the woods.