In My Defense...

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, I ran out of razor blades.

You put my face through a window!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, I was trying to teach you what defenestration means.

You tried to cut my hair!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, I was extremely high on some sort of drug.
LSD, probably.

You put me in rehab!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, you stole my car and stabbed someone with a needle!

You got your brother out of jail!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, he was in an open air prison. Not too hard to walk him out.

You gave the Queen a Chinese burn!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, I have no special regard for the Queen, so...yeah.

You tried to dance on my face!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, you insulted the Queen. Simple really. Insult her, fat kid here dances on ya face.
Simples.

You made me kill a butterfly.

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, the thing was really ugly. Nobody likes an ugly butterfly.

You implied that I was a heartless fucker!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, you are! You want to nuke whales and get people to kill the butterfly's!

You kidnapped me and locked me in the cellar!!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, you were going to the police with a fake story.
I did not beat an old lady with her dog.
It was her husband.

You didn't get me any tea!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, I am chained up in the cellar.
So...care to unchain me?

You tied me to an operating table!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, I had to. You were shaking the chair too much.

You turned on MILEY CYRUS.

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

In my defense, *pukes* I *pukes* FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU*pukes*

You sent me to Purgatory!
Edit: what type of "turn on" are you talking about? Both would be bad though... Especially the one I just thought of...

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, you didn't qualify for heaven or hell.

You were bland in life!

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

In my defense, it was my secret to living for so long!

You threatened to kill my love interest!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, it was the only way to motivate you!

You put my dog in a tar pit!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, I am completely crazy.
Wibble...

You destroyed my car!!

 

[Neonbob]

In my defense, it had a demon in it.
DIDN'T YOU SEE THE DEMON? IT HAD A GOAT HEAD.

You tried to perform an exorcism on me!

 

[Sassafrass]

In my defence, you seem like you need one...

You escaped and took my head with you!

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

In my defense, holy crap I was going to put that earlier... Did I?

You killed Noel Gallagher!