Last time, we narrowly escaped from the destruction of Taris. And there was much rejoicing. We exited hyperspace over near the Jedi planet of Dantooine.
Not sure what Force Push is gonna do against a bunch of turbolasers, lady.
"She's a raging psychotic. She'll be fine."
"Those are two phrases I never thought I would hear together."
"Uh...Maybe wanna wait until we land before you leave the ship?"
"Shut up, Carth."
"In other words, SHUT UP, CARTH!"
Despite their claims to the contrary, Carth and Bastila run on ahead. Assholes. Anyway, welcome to Dantooine! You may remember it as the planet that got about a minute of screen time in A New Hope before becoming the first victim of the Death Star. Its nice to have a change of scenery, isn't it? I know we should feel bad that Taris bought it, but, damn, that planet lasted FOREVER. Dantooine isn't nearly as bad.
What a nice tree. Remember those? God, Taris' scenery got boring after a while.
Before we can admire the scenery any more, though, this woman tells us off.
"Back off! I'm no padawan! I'm Varen. I just came here with Madam Head-Stuck-Up-Ass.
Oh, Frankie Boyle would have a field day with you people.
"I didn't come here to be scolded by you! I came here for mad lootz and EXP!"
Alright, before we go any further, I'd like to point something out.
This is the Jedi Academy. It houses hundreds of Jedi. It is the central hub of Jedi activity outside of Coruscant. And it has one training room, 3 bedrooms, and a tree.
Here's the map of the place. That's it. An entire academy. No wait, put that in inverted commas. That isn't an academy. That's a motel with some Jedi running around. THIS is an academy:
Did the architect completely lose his mind? Probably. Is this an appropriate size for an academy? Yes. I know making environments big is difficult in the KOTOR engine, but there are places later on in the game that are bigger than this.
But, really, I'm just nitpicking. Let's continue.
Carth's waiting for us outside the Council's room.
"Did you get harassed by a Jedi on the way here?"
"No. But I did get harrased by a couple of Jenova's witnesses."
"Jenova? Don't you mean Jehovah?"
"No no, Jenova. They had the Sephiroth hair and everything."
"Isn't the Jedi council on Coruscant?"
"There's a couple of people on Coruscant who would ruin everything were they here. Not naming any names. (cough)Atris(cough)"
"Well, that was bizzare. What do you want from me, anyway?"
Woah, woah, woah. Mr. Jedi Master, sir? You can see Varen, right? The woman standing in front of you?
THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE EVIL INCARNATE? Why do you still think training her in THE MOST POWERFUL ENERGY IN THE UNIVERSE is a good idea?
"Quiet, Narrator. Stop pointing out he plot holes in our narrative."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a bit. Strong in the force?"
"Also, we thought you would stop talking to this 'Narrator'."
"He exists! You are deaf to his mocking voice!"
"[Blatant Lies]Of course, great Jedi. I will learn your ways and follow the light."
Revan? Not dead? Bastila didn't finish him? How incompetent is she?
Oh no! It seems Bastila has contracted Fallout: New Vegas Invisible Keyboards Syndrome.
We return to the Ebon Hawk. Let's check in on everyone before we hit the hay.
"Hey, Zaalbar..."
"Oh, hello there Varen. I did not see you there, I was too busy pondering the meaning of life. Would you like a cup of tea over a game of Dejarik?"
"Um, no I'm alright. I'd just end up letting you win."
---
"Hey, Mission, how are you holding up after Ta-"
"IBATHEINTHEBLOODANDTHEPAINCTHULUFTHAGANGIYGASMAKEMEWHOLE"
"...That answers my question. That teaches me to be nice. I gotta go club a few baby seals to keep me in the depths of evil."
Later that night, after a night of clubbing seals...
Wait...another dream?
Who are these guys?
HAAAMY ACTING
Wait, that outfit looks familiar...
This guy looks familiar too...
Could it be...?
"Can it's secrets truly be worth the risk?"
Star Forge...? What the hell is going on?
...
"Shut up, Carth, I'm not in the mood..."
"You're like a goddamn alarm clock, aren't you? One that has no snooze button. And breathes."
"I had a rough night..."
"Here I thought I would be rid of your dumb face once we escaped Taris. But, the force makes fools of us all. Especially you, Carth. Let's go. Don't want to keep the almighty council waiting."
Later, after a confrontation with a couple of Jenova's witnesses that ended in blood, as all things with Varen eventually do...
So those people in the dream were Revan and Malak...
"What?? How would Bastila know if we shared a dream?"
"...your Pizza Rolls are ready."
"Oh, excuse me for a moment."
(Leaves, returns moments later)
"Oh, they were good. Our caterer, Mr. Plinkett, makes some darn good Pizza Rolls. Now, where was I? Ah yes..."
"I'm visions now? This is ridiculous."
"Are you saying I'm...joined with her? Because I cannot think of anything more repulsive. Except maybe being joined with Carth. (shudders)"
I'm afraid you're too late for that, Vrook me old pal.
"Is this an offer I can refuse?"
Wait...what? WHAT? Are you retarded? You think the Sith don't know about Dantooine? OF COURSE THEY KNOW ABOUT DANTOOINE! THEIR LEADER WAS TRAINED HERE! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?
"Jedi are turning to the Dark Side? Man, and I thought you guys were pussies."
They ain't likely to grow stronger if Malak keeps blowing up entire planets. Recruitment booths cant be built on dead planets, ya know.
"Not since the Origins of the Jedi comics. And Lo, for they did blow."
"[Blatant Lies]Of course, masters. Anything to further the light."
"Er...Might be a bit late for that, Vrook me old pal."
Hooray! We're training to be a jedi! Which means a training montage! Which can mean only one thing...
"Huh, turns out you really can get Angry Birds on
everything. Even this...thing."
"You're a morally-bankrupt, insane, sadistic, supervillain."
"You're an idiot."
"Touche."
"I know!
I'm so great, aren't I??
"[Blatant Lies]You won't regret this, honorable master."
"Master Zhar, I was just thinking. We're 5 hours into this game, and I still have no idea who this "Revan" guy is that people keep going on about, and this "Malak" guy, who the only thing I've seen him do is blow up a planet. Care to elaborate?"
"What happened?"
"Like they should have."
"What happened to this totally badass mission?"
"Yeah, yeah, get on with it."
So, now we have to choose our Jedi Classes, of which there are three to pick from. The first of these is the Jedi Guardian, which is a warrior-style class, Jedi Consular, which is a mage style class, and Jedi Sentinel, which is a weird mix between a rogue and a tank.
Thankfully, there is a nearby computer which gives us the lowdown on the various classes.
A hippie computer. Can't say i have encountered too many of these.
JEDI GUARDIAN
Like I said, your basic Warrior. No suprises there.
JEDI CONSULAR
Mage, or, if you spec juuust right, Mage-Killer.
JEDI SENTINEL
Definitely an odd class. A roguish tank, if you will.
So, there are our options. Vote for the one you like, and the most popular class will be the one we play the rest of the game with. So, choose wisely, friends. I'll give you a few days to decide the fate of the galaxy. Until then, good luck, and may the force be with you.
