Mall Fight Comedy - (take a peek inside!)

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]IN HELL![/HEADING]

RaN: "Hello Xandus. You've been awfully busy, haven't you? This would finally give us the chance to talk."

Xandus: "Worthless human, what authority do you have to talk down to me!"

RaN: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I've been down here such a long time, at least a thousand years. Time really does move differently down here than it does on the surface world."

Xandus: "Answer me now, you pathetic cur!"

RaN: "Well, now you've gone and hurt my feelings. As you are no doubt unaware, I am now the new popularly-elected King of Hell. Been so since I've arrived over a millenia ago, and I haven't even aged one bit."

 

[RaNDM G]

Martintox crashes through the ceiling, in between Xandus and I.

RaN: "Well, well, well. It's very kind of you to drop in Tox. But if you would mind, I would much prefer you allow us to finish our conversation."

Xandus: "That's it. I've had enough of this madness. How can you claim you are king of what is rightfully my domain?"

RaN: "Your people are rather suggestive to the fine arts. Once I introduced to them the concept of music, they've happily chosen me as their new ruler. Of course, they would not take kindly to a tyrant seeking to overthrow the throne. I'm afraid you are not welcome here... Or anywhere."

Xandus: "No. No, this cannot be. This cannot be the end, not when I'm so close! It can't end now!"

I play a chord on my Super 400, opening a chasm in the floor. Xandus falls inside and is destroyed.

RaN: "Goodbye, Xandus."

I turn to Tox.

RaN: "It's been so long Martintox, although I assume it hasn't even been a day for you on Earth. What brings me the pleasure of seeing you?"

 

[WafflesandBacon]

I push myself out of the mosh pit, "Someone tried to break to fourth wall, again...", I take a deep breath, "FELIX!"
Felix is in the upper part of the Mall, roasting mice with his lighting and eating them, ""
He hears something.
"" He converts himself to lighting and sneaks up me
I pet him gently, "Good kitty." I then look at the rambunctious and mosh pitting, a send out Dalek Daemon control wave to get their attention.
"Follow me!", I say in pursuit to find the Wall-Breaker, the daemons follow, Spider8reath plays.
I have a scythe, a robotic arm that has a bunch of different destructive functions, a cat with electrical powers, and an army of daemons at my beck and call, and Vriska's theme is playing in the background.
Feces is spectacular at this moment.

 

[RaNDM G]

Spoiler: OOC

Spoiler: For RaNDM

RaN,the fact that you keep editing your posts makes the story really confusing.

Sorry, but I didn't expect you to drop in. I have to make the conversation consistent somehow.

Tox: "Um, Xandus is dead?!"

RaN: "Yep. He's dead and gone. If you wanted to do the honors yourself, I am dreadfully sorry. With my level of power, I can easily bring him back for a final battle with you. If that's what you want, of course."

 

[RaNDM G]

Tox: "But, you killed him like that?! He's the fucking Prince of Daemons! As far as I know, being Prince of Daemons implies that you got the power to kill Gods or something!"

RaN: "In any other domain, that would be true. But I am the King of this domain, therefore my power overrules that of a prince. It's more complicated than it appears actually."

Martintox is suddenly dragged into a wormhole.

RaN: "Well, that was unexpected."

I call in Katherine, my faithful secretary with a backstory so intricate and complex I wouldn't have enough space to post it here.

RaN: "Katie, please take over my shift. There is an urgent matter I must attend to."

Katie: "Of course, your Majesty."

I open a portal and follow Martintox to his destination.

 

[RaNDM G]

I step out of the portal and spot Tox alone in the room.

"Oh. For a minute there, I was expecting Xandus trying to convince you to help him take over the world."


"I'm glad to see that isn't the case. Let's hurry before he finds you."

I take Tox back with me into Hell.

 

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]IN HELL![/HEADING]

I watch suspiciously as Martintox leaves.

RaN: "Katherine, tell me how long I've been gone."

Katie: "A mere two hundred years, your Majesty."

RaN: "And how have you handled things in that amount of time?"

Katie: "Quite well, your Majesty. I have followed your doctrines closely."

RaN: "Good, good. I suspect my friend may be in some kind of danger. I may have to plan an expedition to Earth. Because of this, I will relinquish all of my authority to you."

Katie: "Your Majesty, I-"

RaN: "Listen Katherine. I am beloved by the daemons here, but during my rule I have seen that they are beginning to want change. Some of them seem pleased with the minor changes made under your rule. Perhaps it would be best if you were left in charge for a while. Will you accept my proposal?"

Katie: "I will."

RaN: "Thank you."

I bestow unto Katherine a small portion of the experience I have gathered, enough to allow her to rule Hell permanently. I then give her a two-way communicator.

RaN: "Good luck. I will keep in contact with you if I require assistance."

I open a portal to the Mall.

RaN: "One more thing before I go. Don't give the title away to any of those Mallrats."

Katie: "Got it."

I step through the portal as Katie waves goodbye.

[HEADING=1]IN EQUESTRIA![/HEADING]

I fade into a large clearing on the outskirts of a forest. I witness two American soldiers standing above a small pit. I approach the soldiers cautiously with my hands above my head.

"DON'T SHOOT! I'M AN AMERICAN!"

Noticing I am heavily armed, one of the soldiers fires his weapon. Fortunately, Rarity's chainmail absorbs the shot with ease. I draw my Lancer and cut down the two soldiers with short, accurate bursts.

As I walk toward the pit, I notice two dead British paratroopers lying inside covered in gasoline. One of them is wearing a balaclava with the visage of a skull on his face.

The one wearing the balaclava jumps back to life and gasps for air.

RaN: "Hey buddy, you okay?"

The soldier rips off his dog tags and hands them to me.

Soldier: "Here, take these."

I clasp my right hand in his.

RaN: "Keep them. I'm going to get you out of here."

I put my hand on the other soldier as the three of us fade back into the library.

 

[WafflesandBacon]

"Where is he!?

WHERE IS HE!?

", I say as I look for the Wall-Breaker.
Felix, the daemons, and I have turned upper levels (i.e. above the sub-basement) of the mall into ransacked mess.
"

]WHERE IS HE!?

" I repeat, Felix creeps up behind me.
"".
"I'll give a

FUCKING

fish, later! I need to find the

FUCKING

rule breaker, first!"
""
I turn around to Felix, "Why am I obsessed with the

FOURTH WALL

, you ask!?"
""
"SILENCE!" I yell, "The

FOURTH WALL

is not just an imaginary wall separating the reader/watcher from the characters,", I stop for a second and grab my head, "It protects, it protects our sanity, without it, the reality is false, and fiction is real."
I slump on the wall, still grabbing my head.
"Cthulu would be having lunch with Mother Teresa at Hogwarts, Hitler would play tennis Hamlet..." I sigh, "As awesome as it sounds, it never stops, fiction and reality have became entwined like the outcome of cat in a box with radioactive material and a Geiger counter...But that's beside the point. Fiction never stops, it's always created and perfected everyday, reality is absolutely imperfect, every spot and blemish is noticeable and it may never be fixed."
"If absolute perfection and absolute imperfect combine what is the outcome?" I ask Felix, not really expecting an answer.
""
"

 CALAMITY!

" I shout, "Absolute madness! All rhyme and reason is thrown out the window!"
I stand stoically, "That why I must protect the wall, I must protect the sanity of this world. I am the Protector of the Wall! The Protector of Sanity!"
Silence.
""
A few daemons enter with a television set with a VCR player, they insert the security tape,

"I came here to take back the mall. The account I had was just a facade to hide my true form. When I got banned was when I began to resurface." (Xandus)
A massive shattering sound is heard.
"Ah,dammit. Minions!" (Xandus)
"Yes,Master!" (Daemons)
"Fix the fourth wall! It's the third time this week!" (Xandus)

I clench my Dalek hand, "Xandus!"
I point to a random daemon, "You! Where is your master, Xandus.".
The selected daemon points downward, "Underground, eh, Xandus?" I smirk, "You gotta do better than that!"
The Dalek/Daemon control beam goes off, "Attention, all daemon minions we shall begin digging into the ground immediately!" I yell.

Spoiler: Don't feel like reading?

I complain about how important it is to not break the fourth wall, with a quick reference to the Schrödinger's cat experiment, I then see Xandus broke the fourth wall more than once, so now I'm digging underground to slap some sense into him.

 

[Connor Lonske]

MEAN WHILE IN A SECLUDED PART OF HELL

"Damn Clown. To think he has the right to imprison me in this basement." said the featureless, red eyed creature while reading the "Higher Power" Crag's List. He spots a article on the alternate demotion trade section section "Control of Infinite Fighting Universe Located in a Mall"

"Hummmm." The dark auditor read the advertisement

Includes about 10 players, 3 minions, and a infinite supply of weapons. *Control Devices and Powers Not Included*

Price: Must let current owner (Me) go to your universe and take control of it. Will provide delivery to that universe myself.

Owner: Sister
Phone Number: 555-6667

*You may contact via phone*

"Excellent." the lowest of higher powers said as he looked to his Infinite Probability Drive and his Controlled Probability Drive. He turns on Skype and types in the number.

"Yes, what is it, I am doing some plotting now." said Sister.

"I am interested in your Crag's List Offer."

"About tim-I mean, great! I will send you the details."

"YOU GOT MAIL!" said the computer.

The mail read To who this may concern,

My name is Sister, if you revived this, than you are a technological higher power, so if you want to control the mall, click here and enjoy your stay.

From Demonic Higher Power,

Sister

---

Connor, long been in status, still thinking he was in the desert, starts to wonder "Man, I have been in this desert for ages, were the fuck is Sister! I can't even see the portal anymore. Ughhhh, guess I'll keep searching."

He continues to walk his empty subconscious, unaware of his reality and soon to be found new leader, the auditor.

---

The auditor clicks the link, and his entire basement transports 100 miles above the mall. The locked door opens showing his 3 new minions in status, and a portal to the mall entrance, one way.

---

Sister, feeling she has done enough, takes a nice vacation in a beach in the Caribbean, hoping that when she gets back, the temporary replacement will be killed off. Of this, she was certain.

 

[RaNDM G]

Spoiler: OOC

Ladies and gentlemen, the triumphant return of Connor.

I enter the Mall through the portal, spawning in front of Waffles and his group of daemons.

RaN: "Salutations, Waffles. It's been a long time since we last met."

Waffles: "Dude, you've only been gone for an hour."

RaN: "Time is fleeting in any world. What's a thousand years in Hell anyway?"

Waffles, a little creeped out: "Okay..."

RaN: "So, what have you been up to?"

 

[WafflesandBacon]

"Well, I made myself Protector of the Fourth Wall and now I'm going to kill Xandus.", I then notice the portal RaN came through, "Where does that go?"

Spoiler: OOC

*Applauds, nay, standing ovation for Connor*

 

[RaNDM G]

RaN: "Anywhere and nowhere, really."

I clap my hands and close the portal.

RaN: "As for me, I am now the retired King of Hell."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

My mind quietly snaps, "That portal led to Hell?"

 

[RaNDM G]

RaN: "Yes, although I cannot give you the full story now. Suffice to say, certain events have forced me to retire my position to a trusted friend of whose identity I do not wish to tell."

Waffles: "What made you quit?"

RaN: "Xandus. I assume you are looking for him as well? Perhaps we should work together."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

My mind recovers, "Sure! Can you get us to hell?"

 

[RaNDM G]

"Yes, although I would prefer to spend as much time above ground as possible. Tell me, why is it you wish to travel there?"

 

[WafflesandBacon]

"Teach Xandus not to break the fourth wall!" I say, clenching my fist.

 

[RaNDM G]

"Fine, although I would certainly be warned if his presence was discovered."

I clap my hands and open a portal to Hell. I then hand Waffles a two-way communicator.

"Take this. If we are separated, keep me informed on events as they unfold. If you need a quick escape, simply ask and I will summon you back to the surface world."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

I take the two-way communicator, then enter the portal.
I look around Hell, "Oh this isn't bad! Little hot, but to complain abo-" I immediately fall into a lake of fire.
"OH MY GOG!"

[hr]
The daemons, with no leadership, start attacking Felix and RaN, Felix appears next to RaN.
""

 

[RaNDM G]

I strike a chord on my Super 400, stunning the daemons and hypnotizing them. I then summon a slightly singed Waffles to my side.

RaN: "I forgot to mention the ground in this place sinks rather quickly. Follow me, I will take you to the nearest lift."

Waffles, Felix and the daemons follow as I lead them to a rather impressive glass elevator.

Waffles: "Very classy."

We enter a comfortable, well-furnished room.

Waffles: "I don't remember this being here in my last visit. Who built this?"

RaN: "I did. Before I was able to generate portals, I commissioned a system of elevators to use as public transportation. I needed to chart the domain somehow, and this was the fastest and safest way to do it."

The doors close and the lift begins travelling at near transonic speed.

PA system: Welcome, your Majesty. Please state your destination.