Mall Fight Comedy - (take a peek inside!)

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]AT THE LLAM![/HEADING]

NaR: "Wait, I didn't even get to fight anyone."

Xandus: "Au contraire, my friend. This fight has only just begun."

Xandus climbs out of the rubble and shocks NaR with lightning. Rather than being electrocuted by the attack, NaR absorbs the power.

New ability: Force lightning

NaR: "Fuckin' sweet."

Xandus: "Oh shit."

NaR electrocutes Xandus, killing him for good. NaR then hears a voice.

Knife: "Hello, is anyone there?"

NaR: "Yes, and I'd like to know how you got here."

Suddenly, the moon explodes for no good reason.

[HEADING=1]IN HELL![/HEADING]

NaR: "Well, this sucks."

 

[Ren3004]

I respawn in a dark place. I am immediately subjected to horrible visions that drive me to madness. With my last sliver of sanity, I realize where I am.

"No..." I think to myself "NOT THE BASEMENT!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

*DUN DUN DUN*

 

[Connor Lonske]

"Hell I don't know, just land on that roof," Connor says "Can you electrify my .50 caliber ammo?"

---

The Auditor, failing to find money to make his Controlled Probability Cash Register accept Connor's down grade. "Fucking hell." He walks off to the entrance to find a Bat Copter slowly getting closer to his McBase. This enrages the Auditor, and he spawns a mini-gun, and opens fire at the distant chopper.

---

"Shit!" Yells Tox's 5 personality, himself, and Connor. "Take evasive maneuvers!" yells Connor.

 

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]IN HELL![/HEADING]

NaR and Knife are approached by Katherine, the Queen of Hell.

Katie: "Hello strangers, welcome to-"

Katie stops and stares at NaR.

Katie: "RaNDM, is that you?"

NaR: "What did you just call me?"

Katie: "Oh, I'm sorry. I must have confused you with someone else. Anyway, it appears that your home world has been destroyed. So that leaves us in quite a predicament."

Knife: "Can't you just spawn us back in the mall?"

Katie: "You, of course. Him, I don't know."

NaR: "Listen lady, I don't know who you think you are but I'm not letting you keep me here."

NaR, to Knife: "I'll see you topside."

NaR storms off to the nearest glass elevator.

Katie: "He's not going to get far."

Knife: "Why not?"

The floor under NaR collapses, plunging him into a river of flames.

Katie: "That's why."

[HEADING=1]IN EQUESTRIA![/HEADING]

After my conversation with Roach, I fall asleep in an armchair. I wake up the next morning and return to the room Roach and Ghost are staying in.

Ghost: "So, this is the bloke who saved our lives, eh?"

Ghost shakes my hand.

Ghost: "Thanks."

Roach: "I already explained everything to him. You don't need to give him the lecture."

RaN: "Damn. I was looking forward to hearing myself talk."

Ghost: "Hard to think we're in some kind of cartoon, but at least we didn't end up in Looney Tunes, eh?"

RaN: "How did the surgery go?"

Ghost: "Fine. Doctor says I shouldn't do anything extraneous, but I can walk."

Twilight rushes into the room.

Twilight: "Princess Celestia is in town!"

Ghost: "Is that a good thing?"

Twilight: "No. You need to hide. If she spots you, she'll have you imprisoned."

Roach: "Well, I don't think we should wait in here. If someone finds us, they'll probably implicate you for harboring fugitives."

Twilight: "You're right. Fortunately, I know just the place to put you."

Twilight leads us into the Everfree Forest, showing us a small room built into a hill.

Twilight: "As long as you don't draw attention to yourselves, you should be fine."

Ghost: "Don't worry. We'll keep quiet until you come back for us."

Twilight runs off to enjoy the festivities.

RaN: "Well, what should we do to pass the time?"

Ghost looks under the crate he is sitting on and finds a PS3 and a small TV.

Ghost: "Anyone want to play Bad Company 2?"

 

[Knife-28]

"Soooo...."I say to Katherine, "Is it hot in here, or is that just you?" Katherine the sets me on fire. "I probably deserve this."

 

[Connor Lonske]

"Do we have weapons on this thing?!" Connor yells into his Scouter, now realizing that he is in the gunner seat

"Wait, don't answer that," Connor says as he fires up the missile launcher. He shoots a missile at the bottom of the McDonald's, making a hole in the fryer. "Maybe destroying the McDonald's isn't a good idea?"

 

[Ren3004]

In the food court, a hang start banging against the glass. The closest person comes to help.

"Sir! Are you okay?! SIR!"

The man grabs a fire extinguisher and bangs it against the glass until it cracks. The hand breaks through the glass and suffocates the man.

"AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH" I laugh, coming through the glass.

 

[Connor Lonske]

As the Bat Jet crashes into the McDonald's, the ship completely destroys the Controlled Probability Drive, killing all 7 of the consciousnesses on the Bat Jet.

"WARNING, PROBABILITY COMPROMISED DUE TO CONTROLLED PROBABILITY DRIVE FAILURE

NORMALITY RESTORING"

Then, somewhere out of the sky, a large probability bolt completely destroys the McDonald's, and the near dead Auditor goes into free fall to the mall.

Connor respawns in the food court, to find a mutilated dead body next to a Insane Ren. "OH SHIT" Connor raises his WidowMaker sniper and fire it at Ren, right at his balls...

 

[Connor Lonske]

The Auditor, in great pain, says "Fuck it." and explodes into a million demonic pieces, and doesn't come back.

 

[Ren3004]

I kick the sniper out of Connor's hands and grab his head.

"Fries with tires!" I say, as I twist his neck.

 

[Knife-28]

"So Katherine," I say after the fire burns down, "Can I return to the surface?"
"Actually, I have a request...."

 

[Knife-28]

The elevator to hell arrives, and Tox steps out onto a grassy field. "I think I pressed the wrong button..." Tox says, looking around. "Greetings traveler, welcome to hel- I mean....*sigh* Equestria...."
Tox turns around to see a blood red unicorn magicly holding a clipboard infront of her face. "Ummm, who are you?" Tox asks.
"Oh, I'm Katherine, secretary to the Lord and Master of Hell, King Knife." Katherine gestures behind her to a giant statue of me, build out of gold. "Now, the King has requested your presence at the castle, follow me please." With that, Katherine trots off, towards a large castle in the distance, jutting out of a mountain.

 

[Ren3004]

I grab a butcher knife from the food court and go around the mall, killing people.

 

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]IN OTHERWORLD![/HEADING]

Having been caught in a warp caused by the improbability device, I have been trapped in the destroyed Otherworld version of the mall. I sense a disturbance in the force.

RaN: "There is a disturbance in the force."

I call Katherine.

RaN: "Katie? What did you do?"

Katie: "What do you mean?"

RaN: "You made someone the King of Hell, didn't you?"

Katie: "Is that a problem?"

RaN: "YOU MADE A KING OUT OF ONE OF THOSE DAMN MALLRATS, THAT'S THE PROBLEM! GET HIM OUT OF THERE, NOW!"

Katie: "Okay, okay. I'll get right on it."

[HEADING=1]IN HELL![/HEADING]

Katie reverts Knife down to citizen of Hell status.

Knife: "Aww..."

 

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]IN OTHERWORLD![/HEADING]

I call Katie back.

RaN: "Katie, I'm sorry for that little outburst."

Katie: "Apology accepted."

RaN: "So, who was it?"

Katie: "Knife."

RaN: "Really? I haven't seen him in a while. He didn't make any changes did he?"

Katie: "He turned the domain into Equestria."

RaN: "... What?"

Katie: "Seriously. He actually modeled the place after that dumb kids show."

RaN: "Change it back."

Katie: "Already on it."

Katie restores Hell back to its natural state.

RaN: "Thanks."

I hang up the phone.

RaN: "I fucking HATE ponies."

[HEADING=1]IN EQUESTRIA! (THE REAL ONE)[/HEADING]

After several hours of hiding in Twilight's safe house, Roach is bored.

Roach: "I'm bored."

Ghost: "You said that eight times already."

Outside our window, I notice a filly playing out in the street. In the distance I spot a carriage speeding down the road.

RaN: "Oh shit."

I run out the door.

Roach: "You idiot! Don't go out there!"

RaN: "I can't help it! She'll get herself killed!"

I rush down the hill, pick up the filly, and roll out of the way of the speeding carriage. After realizing I probably saved her life, the filly gives me a hug and runs away.

Ghost and Roach walk down to the path as the carriage slows and stops.

 

[Connor Lonske]

Connor respawns in the bathroom, wait, to find it is full of blood. "Man, what an asshole. Meh this sniper is no good at close range," says Connor as he drops the gun next to the mirror. "Don't worry baby, I'll be back for you, didn't I complete a quest or something?"

*QUEST COMPLETED"

*LEVEL UP!*

Skills:
Melee: +75
Guns: +85

Perks:
"Dead Yet, Tough Guy": Can survivable fatal wounds.

*NEW QUEST: "Crazy Crazy Crazy"*

*Restore Ren's sanity or trap him in away were he will be stuck for good*

As Connor exits the bathroom, he finds even more blood around the mall, hearing screams to the food court, he walks over to the destroyed sword room. "Hummmm," Connor then goes to the next door explosive store, grabs a grenade, and blows up some of the collapsed roof in the sword store. "Cool."

Connor walks into the store, to find a tactical knife. "Great!" He exits the knife store, and walks to the food court, the screaming now more distant.

 

[RaNDM G]

[HEADING=1]IN HELL![/HEADING]

NaR: "HOT! HOT! THAT'S HOT!"

As Katherine is distracted by Knife's antics, NaR clambers out of the fiery pit and crawls into a glass elevator.

NaR: "Thank you, Jeezus."

NaR takes the elevator up to the surface.

 

[RaNDM G]

NaR: "Well, that would just take away all the fun."

NaR shakes Tox's hand.

NaR: "The name's MDNaR, but people where I'm from just call me NaR. What do they call you?"

 

[Knife-28]

"Excuse me Katie, could I borrow that phone?" Katherine hands me the phone, and I call RaN.

"I would just have you know, I had a perfictly good reason to change hell into Equestria." I say into the phone.

"Oh yea, and what was that?" RaN replies.

"You see, the only way to get to hell normally is to be a real dick while your alive, and then die. So, I think to myself, 'What would someone who's done enough to get himself into hell hate? Ponys, so I remodel hell after Equestria and boom the tormenteds souls mental pain went up 82%. I can even fax you a copy of the latest reports if you like."

"Sorry, TLR"

RaN then hangs up and I take the express elevator back to the mall, emerging from the base of the toppled clock tower. "THERE YOU ARE!" I say, punching NaR in the face, thinking he's RaN.

 

[Connor Lonske]

Connor wakes up in the food court after a long night's sleep. "OK, now, how do I stop Ren? He seems to have gone crazier than Ren from 'Ren and Stimpy'. I got it, SMOOTH JAZZ." and with that Connor quickly runs to the music store/PA system.