Mall Fight Comedy - (take a peek inside!)

[CloggedDonkey]

I come out of the beaver emporium to see that there is someone riding a polar bear. "Awesome." I see it launches DVDs at such speeds they leave a plaid trail behind them. "That bear is mine." I toss a giant painting of a female reproductive organ at the rider of the polar bear.

 

[kikon9]

I jump off the polar bear and empty the crate of Mohawk grenades into the Virtual zone. Turning all the anime girls into night elf mohawks.

 

[kikon9]

I respawn in the forklift store and buy a forklift. I ride it out into the mall. Running over the fountain.

 

[kikon9]

I run over martins bench.

 

[kikon9]

I do a ninja leap off the FORKLIFT and tear out martin's left lung. FATALITY.

 

[Stone Wera]

I respawn in the Nostalgia Market. I remeber a time when kills were well orchastrated and more than just one line of text... Those were the days. Then I remember the plot and how I found a way around the respawn watch system... Good times. Then I wonder where the plot went... What the fudge cakes? I wander around the mall in search of plot, is it in the sewers where the Manager Sister hybrid was eaten by alligator?... No. Is it down the fountain where Xandus117 and that blue dude tried to team up to kill everyone in the mall?... Hell no. Is it at the bloody smear where I was torn asunder by the betentacled monstrosity?... No, no, no and no. I am nearly given up hope, until I remember where I left my arm, and the respawn watch attached to it. I take my arm from the hiding spot and rip the watch off, placing it on my wrist. Sensing a new arm, it resets to 5. Respawn watches appear on the other's wrists.
"So that's where the plot went."

 

[Stone Wera]

I get on the PA system and inform everyone that they have 5 lives left, when they are out of lives they will be unable to respawn until the watches are deactivated.

 

[Ren3004]

Martin falls on top of my super-giant Lego tower.


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!", I yell.

Blinded with rage, I pick up a plastic sword and start hacking away at Martin.

 

[Knife-28]

[sub]SSSSSSSSSKKKKKK[/sub]RRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

My winged beast and I crash through one of the the large stain-glass sky lights.
The winged beast crashes in the kids section and I am thrown into Martintox.
I utter a single word before I collapse, "Run..."

A great darkness envelops The Mall, from every crack and dark reccese enemys spanning The Malls history emerge.

I respawn in The Mall's controle room next to Wera.
"Knife?" He says in confusion, "What's going on?" He gestues to the console and I rush over to it and look at the moniter.
"Oh, that's very extreamly not good..."
"What's not good?"
"Oh lets see, Daleks, Weeping Angels, Pred-Aliens, Krakens, Gibbons, Can-Robot, Robot Drones, Zombies, Yahtzee's Imps, Demon Mutant Attack Squirrels, Cybermen and Motherf*** Cthulhu."
"Oh..."


The Manager watches as the horrors of The Mall awaken. He smiles and walks away from the smokeing pile of entrails that was SirDarkside.

Spoiler: Okay....

I think the plot is back online.

 

[Stone Wera]

"This looks promising..."
I wring my hands together evilly. I grab a nearby lead pipe and smash Knife over the head with it, slapping a respawn watch on his wrist and tossing him out of the room into the battle. I mash a button on the control pad and the control room ascends into the sky.
"Now I'm in control! MUAHAHAHAHA *cough* Ha!..."

 

[Stone Wera]

I press a large red button on the control panel, initiating a lockdown, trapping everyone inside the mall.
"Now the real fun begins."
I press another button and a dark figure arises from the fountain... SLENDER MAN!

 

[Stone Wera]

"Google Slender Man, then you'll see why I picked him. So how have you been?"
I taze him in the crotch, causing him to pass out from pain.
"That's great."
I toss him out of the control room, as he falls he collides with Slender Man, and an epic battle ensues.
"And how'd this teleporter get in here?"
I toss that out as well.
"There, no way in, no way out,"
I look at the moniters, I spot a certain Ren3004 who isn't getting his ass kicked enough and press a green button releasing a platoon of Stormtroopers on him.
"Ah, life is grand."
I lean back in my chair and observe the chaos.

 

[Stone Wera]

I pull grappling hook out and grapple my way on to the control room.
"How'd you get in? I threw the teleporter out!"
I buzzsaw my way in and bash martintox upside the head, knocking him out.
"Now then..."
I grab his wrist, using a screwdriver to underclock the respawn watch, turning his lives down to zero, turning him into a zombie. I whistle for Slender Man to come, offering him martintox for... Whatever he does with the children he steals. He takes martintox off to an undisclosed location to do... Something. When SM is gone a take a file from my desk, lighting it on fire and toss it in the trash.
"Now he will never know what happened to the old mall! Muahaha!"

 

[WafflesandBacon]

I watch Tox and Stone fight while eating popcorn.

 

[Stone Wera]

"What the fuck? Didn't I turn you into a zombie?"
I respawn inside the control room, speaking to martintox over the PA.
"Besides, the respawn watches don't come off and when they're off respawns are infinite, weren't you paying attention? Or did you even read the rules? These new players..."
I mash a blue button and summon Cthulu, who the old mall beneath his mighty foot, giving martintox an evil look.
"You will never discover the secret of the old mall! Unless... You ask nicely."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

I still eat popcorn while running.

 

[Stone Wera]

"Yes. Yes you may. The mall was built on an Indian burial ground that was haunted by the ghost of Hitler who was mutated by radiation from a nearby nuclear testing grounds into the monster that's right behind you! Just kidding, he died from radiation poisoning. A serial killer from a nearby town was chased onto the Indian burial grounds by angry townfolk and stoned to death. A few months later a mad scientist found both dead ghost Hitler and the serial killer known only as Jeff and sewed them together in an attempt to create the most evil creature known to man, only to be beaten by Mr. Gates & Mrs. Gates. The creature escaped, killing the scientist and rampaging throughout the nearby areas until a UFO crash landed into it at the aforementioned burial grounds, which incedentally happened to be in Roswell, New Mexico. ten years later a mall was built on top, sounds like a bad campfire story, amiright? That's why I neglected to tell you, I thought you'd be disappointed."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

"I'm sorry could you repeat that, Stone? I was trying to remember the lyrics to Frank Sinatra My Way." I say then start nomming my popcorn again.

 

[Stone Wera]

"Yes. Yes you may. The mall was built on an Indian burial ground that was haunted by the ghost of Hitler who was mutated by radiation from a nearby nuclear testing grounds into the monster that's right behind you! Just kidding, he died from radiation poisoning. A serial killer from a nearby town was chased onto the Indian burial grounds by angry townfolk and stoned to death. A few months later a mad scientist found both dead ghost Hitler and the serial killer known only as Jeff and sewed them together in an attempt to create the most evil creature known to man, only to be beaten by Mr. Gates & Mrs. Gates. The creature escaped, killing the scientist and rampaging throughout the nearby areas until a UFO crash landed into it at the aforementioned burial grounds, which incedentally happened to be in Roswell, New Mexico. ten years later a mall was built on top, sounds like a bad campfire story, amiright? That's why I neglected to tell you, I thought you'd be disappointed."

 

[WafflesandBacon]

"Got it! Thanks!"