Mall Fight Comedy - (take a peek inside!)
- Thread starter Claymorez
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I blast through Daleks with my double barrel, "Why-!" BLAAAM! "Does it have to be-" BLAAAM "DALEKS!?" CLICK!
"Fuck!" I say.
"
" Says a small army of Daleks.
"Halt, you motherfuckers!" I say enraged, "I know what you want! You want the Doctor, don'cha?!"
The Daleks stop, "
" they say.
I smile maliciously.
"Fuck!" I say.
"
Code:
EXTERMINATE!"Halt, you motherfuckers!" I say enraged, "I know what you want! You want the Doctor, don'cha?!"
The Daleks stop, "
Code:
GIVE US THE DOCTOR!I smile maliciously.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA!!! Hello, sweetchums!" yelled Sister.
"Hey there... You've been gone quite a long time."
"Yes, Ren... I see you're hauling my loser brother around."
"Oh, I thought you guys'd like a family reunion."
"HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!!! You're funny!"
Sister vanished and reappeared right behind me and grabbed me, taking me up to the roof.
"Let's see you reunite... WITH THE FLOOR!"
"Hey there... You've been gone quite a long time."
"Yes, Ren... I see you're hauling my loser brother around."
"Oh, I thought you guys'd like a family reunion."
"HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!!! You're funny!"
Sister vanished and reappeared right behind me and grabbed me, taking me up to the roof.
"Let's see you reunite... WITH THE FLOOR!"
I have chained myself to the Daleks, "Ok, listen up you overgrown sex toys!" I say in a commanding voice, "I don't know if this'll work so cross you fingers...or plunger appendages or whatever..."
I put my backup pistol to my temple.
"
"
"That's an odd thing to say to someone about to kill himself."
BANG!
[hr]
[HEADING=1]MEANWHILE IN LLAM[/HEADING]
Selffaw creeps around the Llam, scared out of his mind. "Oh Gog, where's Xotnitram and Ner..." A sudden flash of light surrounds him and he hides a hot dog stand.
"
" Selffaw nearly faints but braves through it, he runs away quietly to find Xotnitram and Ner.
I put my backup pistol to my temple.
"
Code:
YOU REALIZE IF THIS DOESN'T WORK YOU BE EXTERMINATED, CORRECT?"That's an odd thing to say to someone about to kill himself."
BANG!
[hr]
[HEADING=1]MEANWHILE IN LLAM[/HEADING]
Selffaw creeps around the Llam, scared out of his mind. "Oh Gog, where's Xotnitram and Ner..." A sudden flash of light surrounds him and he hides a hot dog stand.
"
Code:
EX...TERMINATE?
After Ren dies falling from the roof of the mall, Sister jumps down to the video store entrance and takes a swipe at my face. I duck into a hardware store and grab the nearest weapon I can find, which fortunately turns out to be a chainsaw.
I rev the engine and let myself fall backwards as Sister pounces on me. She gets impaled and her chest is ripped open by the spinning blade. She dies quickly and painfully.
Not knowing what the Hell just happened I walk past the glue store and see Bryghtside kick Ren in the shin. I punch Bryghtside in the face.
I rev the engine and let myself fall backwards as Sister pounces on me. She gets impaled and her chest is ripped open by the spinning blade. She dies quickly and painfully.
Not knowing what the Hell just happened I walk past the glue store and see Bryghtside kick Ren in the shin. I punch Bryghtside in the face.
With my dying words, I shout, "I fucking HATE ghosts!"
I respawn in a police cruiser. There's a 9mm handgun in the glove box with a 17-round clip, a few spare magazines, a taser, and a couple flashbang grenades.
"Nice."
I step out of the car. It looks like I'm in the mall's underground service tunnels. Whoever crashed the car through the gate must have desperately wanted to get in. I find a map of the mall and a flashlight in a maintenance room. I then decide to cut the power to the lights.
Not the best idea, but at least I can sneak around the mall and do what I gotta do without worrying about dying in the next comment.
I respawn in a police cruiser. There's a 9mm handgun in the glove box with a 17-round clip, a few spare magazines, a taser, and a couple flashbang grenades.
"Nice."
I step out of the car. It looks like I'm in the mall's underground service tunnels. Whoever crashed the car through the gate must have desperately wanted to get in. I find a map of the mall and a flashlight in a maintenance room. I then decide to cut the power to the lights.
Not the best idea, but at least I can sneak around the mall and do what I gotta do without worrying about dying in the next comment.
The dying man in the room had given me everything I needed to defeat Sister. I take a last look at his body before heading off.
"Rest in peace..."
Meanwhile Sister and Sir seem to be having a fight.
"It's just you and me now, brother!!! COME AAAAAAAAND PLAY!" she said, while throwing chainsaws at him.
[HEADING=2]BANG[/HEADING]
I kick the door down, wearing a Ghostbuster suit and a proton pack.
"SISTER! THIS EQUIPMENT WAS HANDED OVER TO ME BY BILL MURRAY HIMSELF! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!!!"
"Rest in peace..."
Meanwhile Sister and Sir seem to be having a fight.
"It's just you and me now, brother!!! COME AAAAAAAAND PLAY!" she said, while throwing chainsaws at him.
[HEADING=2]BANG[/HEADING]
I kick the door down, wearing a Ghostbuster suit and a proton pack.
"SISTER! THIS EQUIPMENT WAS HANDED OVER TO ME BY BILL MURRAY HIMSELF! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!!!"
I make my way up to the surface and run into the nearest jewelry store, grabbing all the silver I can. I then run to the local blacksmith and melt all the silver down into bullets. I carve crosses on the tips and dip them in holy water for good measure.
"This ought to piss her off."
Heading back to the mall, I immediately notice Bryghtside trying to kill Ren with MY chainsaw.
Ren: "That doesn't make sense..."
Bryghtside: "How could it possibly NOT make sense?"
*bang* I drill a bullet through Bryghtside's skull.
RaNDM: "It's just been revoked."
Ren looks at me questionably and runs off to fight Sister. I pick my chainsaw off of Bryghtside's corpse and sling it across my back.
I turn around and see Sister's face scaring me half-to-death. Kind of like this:
I retaliate by doing this:
Even with silver bullets, that's not going to keep her down for long. I run over to help Ren set up the containment unit.
"This ought to piss her off."
Heading back to the mall, I immediately notice Bryghtside trying to kill Ren with MY chainsaw.
Ren: "That doesn't make sense..."
Bryghtside: "How could it possibly NOT make sense?"
*bang* I drill a bullet through Bryghtside's skull.
RaNDM: "It's just been revoked."
Ren looks at me questionably and runs off to fight Sister. I pick my chainsaw off of Bryghtside's corpse and sling it across my back.
I turn around and see Sister's face scaring me half-to-death. Kind of like this:
I retaliate by doing this:
Even with silver bullets, that's not going to keep her down for long. I run over to help Ren set up the containment unit.
Ren: "RaNDM, are you ready?"
RaNDM: "I've got everything set up. Hit the lights."
Ren pulls the lever on the generator. The mall's emergency power kicks in and lights flood the park. I happen to be standing dead in the center. It doesn't take long for Sister to find me. I take out a detonator wired to a box of flashbang grenades hidden along the park's trail.
Cue epic fight music:
Sister immediately charges at me. She roars at me demonically, "I'm going to make sure you die slow."
When she gets close enough, I pull the trigger on my trap. Sister gets caught in the ensuing explosion, blinding her and burning off patches of skin. The bang doesn't distract her as much as I had hoped however, and she rushes at me faster than before.
Sister: "Quit killing me, you fucker!"
RaNDM: "Now you've gone and hurt my feelings."
I start shooting as fast as I can, burning through the 17-round clip in seconds. She moves too fast for me to take good aim, but a lucky hit trips her and brings her down on her knees mere feet from where I stand.
Right on top of the containment device.
RaNDM: "Now Ren! Blast her!"
RaNDM: "I've got everything set up. Hit the lights."
Ren pulls the lever on the generator. The mall's emergency power kicks in and lights flood the park. I happen to be standing dead in the center. It doesn't take long for Sister to find me. I take out a detonator wired to a box of flashbang grenades hidden along the park's trail.
Cue epic fight music:
Sister immediately charges at me. She roars at me demonically, "I'm going to make sure you die slow."
When she gets close enough, I pull the trigger on my trap. Sister gets caught in the ensuing explosion, blinding her and burning off patches of skin. The bang doesn't distract her as much as I had hoped however, and she rushes at me faster than before.
Sister: "Quit killing me, you fucker!"
RaNDM: "Now you've gone and hurt my feelings."
I start shooting as fast as I can, burning through the 17-round clip in seconds. She moves too fast for me to take good aim, but a lucky hit trips her and brings her down on her knees mere feet from where I stand.
Right on top of the containment device.
RaNDM: "Now Ren! Blast her!"
"It's not my fault you pushed the Make everyone Annoying Pop Stars button and not the Capture Insane Ghost button! Don't you ever read the damn labels!?"
From behind me, a shrill, bone-chilling voice screams. The insane ghost of Sister has turned into the insane ghost of Rebecca Black.
SEVEN A.M., WAKING UP IN THE MORNING
GOTTA BE FRESH, GOTTA GO DOWN STAIRS
GOTTA HAVE MY BOWL, GOTTA HAVE CEREAL
SEEIN' EVERYTHING, THE TIME IS GOIN'
RaNDM: "AWW ****!!!!!!!!! MY EARS!!!!"
I crawl to the containment unit and try to activate it manually, but the sheer pitch of horrendous auto-tune overwhelms me. My brain explodes through my ears.
I respawn in my normal form.
"Great, I have no clue where the fuck I am and Ren just doomed us all... Again."
On the bright side, I've got my manhood back.
I look around and find myself in a construction site. I grab some electronic ear muffs, a sledge hammer, a nail gun, and a helmet. I steal a golf cart and drive back to the park.
"If Sister keeps up with her singing, we're all done for."
From behind me, a shrill, bone-chilling voice screams. The insane ghost of Sister has turned into the insane ghost of Rebecca Black.
SEVEN A.M., WAKING UP IN THE MORNING
GOTTA BE FRESH, GOTTA GO DOWN STAIRS
GOTTA HAVE MY BOWL, GOTTA HAVE CEREAL
SEEIN' EVERYTHING, THE TIME IS GOIN'
RaNDM: "AWW ****!!!!!!!!! MY EARS!!!!"
I crawl to the containment unit and try to activate it manually, but the sheer pitch of horrendous auto-tune overwhelms me. My brain explodes through my ears.
I respawn in my normal form.
"Great, I have no clue where the fuck I am and Ren just doomed us all... Again."
On the bright side, I've got my manhood back.
I look around and find myself in a construction site. I grab some electronic ear muffs, a sledge hammer, a nail gun, and a helmet. I steal a golf cart and drive back to the park.
"If Sister keeps up with her singing, we're all done for."
Sister turns towards me, spinning a chainsaw above her head.
"You're a very mean man, Mr. Ren! I just wanted to play with my brother!"
"This ends now, Sister."
Sister rushes towards me. I dodge her at the last time and fire my proton pack at her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGH!!!"
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRT*
The proton pack fizzles and dies. I remove it and toss its smoking remains aside.
"I'm... too... strong... for that..." Sister had fallen to the ground, weakened and tired but still very much alive... uhhh... undead, I mean. "You can't... beat me..."
"No... But I can stop you." I said, as I grabbed a metal cylinder with a red button from my belt. I turned it on...
I jump in Sister's direction, lightsaber in hand, ready to give the final blow.
"You're a very mean man, Mr. Ren! I just wanted to play with my brother!"
"This ends now, Sister."
Sister rushes towards me. I dodge her at the last time and fire my proton pack at her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGH!!!"
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZRT*
The proton pack fizzles and dies. I remove it and toss its smoking remains aside.
"I'm... too... strong... for that..." Sister had fallen to the ground, weakened and tired but still very much alive... uhhh... undead, I mean. "You can't... beat me..."
"No... But I can stop you." I said, as I grabbed a metal cylinder with a red button from my belt. I turned it on...
I jump in Sister's direction, lightsaber in hand, ready to give the final blow.
Knife respawns in front of my golf cart. I hit Knife before he has a chance to hit Ren. He rolls over into the passenger seat.
RaNDM: "How did you get in my golf cart? Nevermind that, let's go help Ren."
Knife: "What are you guys doing anyway?"
RaNDM: "Ren turned Sister into the insane ghost of Rebecca Black and now he's fighting her in a lightsaber duel."
Knife starts laughing his ass off.
RaNDM: "I know, right?"
RaNDM: "How did you get in my golf cart? Nevermind that, let's go help Ren."
Knife: "What are you guys doing anyway?"
RaNDM: "Ren turned Sister into the insane ghost of Rebecca Black and now he's fighting her in a lightsaber duel."
Knife starts laughing his ass off.
RaNDM: "I know, right?"
Sister parries my lightsabre with her chainsaw. She was still weak, but visibly regaining power with each second passed.
"You... can't... BEAT ME!!!" she said as she flew right over me.
I manage to block her strike in the nick of time. She lashes out against me, making it hard[footnote]*Giggle*[/footnote] for me to match her speed.
"DIE, ************, DIE!!!"
I spot RaNDM and Knife in a golf cart and get an idea. I manage to hit Sister's shoulder, slowing her down.
"You IDIOT! I'm a ghost... YOU CAN'T KILL ME!"
"But you're not really a ghost, are you? You have a physical form. That's why you can pick up a chainsaw. That's why I couldn't trap you with the proton pack. That's why you survived being hit with Gray's Anatomy[footnote]See Mall Fight, Vol. 1, Mall Fight fans![/footnote]. And that is why I can still hurt you..."
"You... can't... BEAT ME!!!" she said as she flew right over me.
I manage to block her strike in the nick of time. She lashes out against me, making it hard[footnote]*Giggle*[/footnote] for me to match her speed.
"DIE, ************, DIE!!!"
I spot RaNDM and Knife in a golf cart and get an idea. I manage to hit Sister's shoulder, slowing her down.
"You IDIOT! I'm a ghost... YOU CAN'T KILL ME!"
"But you're not really a ghost, are you? You have a physical form. That's why you can pick up a chainsaw. That's why I couldn't trap you with the proton pack. That's why you survived being hit with Gray's Anatomy[footnote]See Mall Fight, Vol. 1, Mall Fight fans![/footnote]. And that is why I can still hurt you..."
I respawn with my left arm missing, "I wonder what everyone is d-OH MY FUCKING GOG, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY A-" I gain a robotic arm, "Fuck yeah!" I then climb up to my Food Fort that has been untouched by the fight and start color commentating, "Well, it's your friend, Waffles N. Bacon commenting a yet ANOTHER fight, and I'll tell you, this'in' is a dozy."