Poll: Is grinding with another person of the opposite sex considered cheating?

[Smeatza]

Lol at all the folks calling grinding "dancing" and "flirting."
It's dry humping.

Snip

Don't get me wrong OP, if the boundaries of your relationship weren't clear and your girlfriend believes that rubbing up against random penis' is okay when you're in a relationship then it might be forgivable.
But you can go out dancing without grinding.
And if she doesn't care enough about it bothering you to stop, it's time to have a long think about the relationship.

 

[Poetic Nova]

Something similar happend to me recently, lost all trust in whats now my ex. Tried to give our relation another run but I ended up breaking up with her.

BTW, it is considert cheating, since a relationship is build on trust.

 

[SilentlyHilly]

No, it's not cheating. It's dancing (a loose definition of dancing, sure, but dancing all the same).

I'm going to assume that going to clubs and dancing is something that she likes to do. I can understand that, I enjoy going to those kinds of places and dancing too. It's legitimately fun.

If you tell her she can't do something as harmless as dancing (and yes, I do consider it rather harmless as long as that was as far as her intentions go), then she is having to unnecessarily give up something she likes to do simply because of your insecurities. Obviously there are boundaries to this idea. She may enjoy having sex with random guys, but it's completely understandable that she would have to give this up for you. We may draw our lines at different points, but in my opinion dancing is no where near cheating. It's something fun that she likes to do; that's all.

 

[Mikeyfell]

I don't understand the whole "Cheating" thing.

If you're in a relationship with someone you love or at least care for that person, so what does sex or any other sexual situation have to do with anything?

I get the notion of feeling cheated if you lie about sex with someone, but I also get the notion of feeling cheated if your partner lies to you about anything.

And it would also get bad if you were exclusively sleeping with other people and unwilling or unable to satisfy your partner.


But other than those two extremes why is sleeping with someone a big deal?
Am I just more open minded than other people?

 

[searron]

I would say it's not cheating. However it is sexual, and it is disrespectful What you should do, is go to a strip club with her, get a lap dance or two, and see how she feels about that. And when she protests or gets sullen, all you need do is remind her that "It's not cheating, it's just what guys do." If she's fine with it, which I doubt, then at least you know that lap dances are ok.

 

[Qizx]

No, it's not cheating. It's dancing (a loose definition of dancing, sure, but dancing all the same).

I'm going to assume that going to clubs and dancing is something that she likes to do. I can understand that, I enjoy going to those kinds of places and dancing too. It's legitimately fun.

If you tell her she can't do something as harmless as dancing (and yes, I do consider it rather harmless as long as that was as far as her intentions go), then she is having to unnecessarily give up something she likes to do simply because of your insecurities. Obviously there are boundaries to this idea. She may enjoy having sex with random guys, but it's completely understandable that she would have to give this up for you. We may draw our lines at different points, but in my opinion dancing is no where near cheating. It's something fun that she likes to do; that's all.

See dancing to me is completely harmless, however I don't find grinding to be dancing nor harmless. I mean I've danced with many women either in ballroom dances or other methods, however only when I've "grinded" have I really gotten a sexual feeling out of the experience.

 

[ninjaRiv]

It's not cheating unless you can catch crabs while doing it. FACT.

So, you know... Grab a comb.

Seriously, though, I don't think it's cheating. It's just dancing.

 

[lord.jeff]

Each couple has it's own line of what cheating is, and that line is whatever makes the other uncomfortable(within a certain reasonable limit), this makes you uncomfortable so I would say it's cheating if she continues to do it.

 

[Panthera]

I don't consider it "cheating" unless there's some form of actual sex involved, but grinding to me is still in the territory of sufficiently sexual that I wouldn't want someone I was dating to do it with other people, nor would I do it with anyone else while in a relationship. Definitely something that should be talked about between the people in the relationship.

 

[Micalas]

Nah, grinding is a natural thing to do. When you're bored with questing and feel the need to kill things, grinding is best. It's even more fun when done with another person.

 

[gamernerdtg2]

It's called "Frotting" or "Dry Humping" and it doesn't matter if it's in the context of dance. It's not really dance in my opinion. It's sex with clothes on. It's absolutely cheating and your reaction to it was dead on.

 

[DrunkOnEstus]

This "grinding" business is sex with clothes on that we've culturally accepted as being dancing, just as normal as the tango or waltz. If my wife rubs her ass into some dude's dick, she cheated on me and I'm not gonna be happy. I would say that whether or not it was personally cheating in your case depends on the agreement the two of you have, and from the information I have you aren't comfortable with it and she doesn't seem to care that you aren't, and rubbing against other dude's dicks is more important than your feelings. Offer to go to the club with her, saying you want to take an interest in her interests. Promptly find a girl jamming her ass into several crotches and offer up yours. See how upset your girlfriend gets, and whether or not she finds it "harmless dancing" in that situation.

As for what I would do? I told my wife that I would play this video every day when she got home for 3 weeks, and she not only agreed, but insisted that I post it as a solution. So here you are:


(feminist shield - ACTIVATE!)

 

[Norithics]

I wouldn't call cheating a weird concept, though it is possesive on both sides. I see it as a sort of breach of contract, if you will. Both people in a relationship work together to set clear boundaries they are comfoertable, and if one person breaks those boundaries, causing harm to the other individual, then that is cheating. The boundaries may change depending on who you are, and some people are fine with thing others aren't, but I think those boundaries still exist in some capacity for everyone. If they don't, I would debate whether or not your in a relationship at all, or whether or not you're simply friends with benefits.

If that was what actually happened, I might agree with you. In reality, however, people by and large do not sit down and set these boundaries; instead, they assume boundaries based on their own experiences and what their larger culture says is correct, which- shocker- never works, because those assumptions vary completely from person to person. The entire affair is almost a parody of what relationships should actually be: a support structure based on care and honesty.

Also, I don't know where you ever got the idea that I don't have boundaries. I clearly don't want my SO to do anything dangerous, and I want them to pay more attention to me than to anybody else in general. Those are boundaries- they just aren't ones that involve sex.

As for what I would do? I told my wife that I would play this video every day when she got home for 3 weeks, and she not only agreed, but insisted that I post it as a solution. So here you are:

She insisted on some poorly articulated, laughably animated slut-shaming? That's a new one on me, I'll admit.

 

[Skoosh]

Well most everyone seems to agree it's sexual looking at the poll. Quick question: what other acts are sexual, but not cheating? Because I can't think of any.

I'm seeing a lot of people say "not sex, so not cheating, but it's disrespectful/bad for the relationship/whatever" but I don't know what you'd call that other than cheating. If it's with someone else, can end or damage the relationship, and especially if it's sexual, I'd imagine most people would call it cheating. If I saw my girlfriend kissing someone or squeezing someone's genitals, I think it would be appropriate to say I was cheated on. Don't see how rubbing up on someone's genitals repeatedly would be different.

Snip

Also, I have almost exclusively seen single people at clubs unless they are with their partner, in which case they pretty much just stick together. Only exception I've known is when women go to a gay club or a very different kind of club than what you're talking about. Have you tried going with her?

Your "major update" is also sounding pretty bad. Doesn't sound like she's going to be changing her actions at all and you guys need to come to an agreement/compromise or consider breaking up. I suggest looking into other clubs without the grinding or going together if it's something she really cares about.

But I'm just some guys on the internet that read a couple paragraphs about your relationship, so whatever.

 

[Devil's Due]

I like how many here is saying "Yeah, it's sexual, and yeah they're rubbing their genitals against one another, BUT IT'S NOT CHEATING!"

This is the same crowd that would flog a person for kissing someone else and label them horrible cheaters. I'm sure that genital to genital is harmless fun between friends but the minute there's lip to lip they're cheating scumbags.

Stay classy, all.

OT: It's sexual, it's cheating, she should feel ashamed of herself for doing it.

 

[Rylingo]

Cheating isn't a black and white thing. Grinding is definitely on the cheating side of the spectrum though.

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

MAJOR UPDATE: She does feel bad for how it made me feel, and did say that she wouldn't go out of her way to dance with a guy, but when she goes to clubs it "just happens." She can push one guy away and another guy will immediately try,to grind on her. Not what I would call reassuring but take it as you will.

It's not reassuring because it's bullshit. 'Just happens' is a prime excuse for people who don't want to be responsible for their contribution to a problem.

I mean, I was just sitting there and boom, chick walks over, drops my pants and goes to town on my cock. Just kind of happened. I was the innocent victim!

So she's not going to go out of her way to dance with a guy, but she's only going to push the first guy away?

She's obviously not getting it. Go dancing with her, grind on other women. She might finally get it. Or she won't, in which case your relationship just entered a new dynamic.

 

[aba1]

The best way of telling when someone is cheating is whether you would do it in front of your partner or not. Personally I wouldn't consider grinding cheating but it is in very very bad taste and not really cool at all but then I don't really think the idea of strip clubs being all that appropriate either.

When I get thinking about it more I don't think it would be out of line to dump someone for going out and grinding at all it really is just something that only single people should be doing.

 

[aba1]

What you need to do is:
A) forgive your girlfriend, because she didn't know and
B) sit down with her and talk about a set of ground rules that will make both of you feel happy and safe in the relationship. Find out what is and is not acceptable from her. Share you own thoughts and find a compromise that makes you both happy.

I think it's important to note

C) Whatever you do, never fall into thinking you need to preserve the relationship at any cost. That's going to backfire so badly you won't know what hit you >.>

This. I did sit down and we talked about it for about 2 hours and I explained in great detail why I felt like it was a betrayal, what I found wrong, and how I wanted it to be handled. She really does seem sorry that she hurt me, however she still wants to go out dancing with friends, and doesn't seem to get that it does bother me due to the fact that, as she states guys always try to grind on her when she's out (sadly, as I've said, I travel a lot for work and can't always be there).

As someone who broke up with their girlfriend after 7 years in a very similar situation to yours after catching my girlfriend in bed with another guy all I can say is dump her and do it sooner than later. If she doesn't care or get why she hurt you she doesn't care about you or at the very least greatly prioritizes herself and your only going to end up in the same situation as me. Trust me dump her.

 

[Jux]

What I find most baffling is the attitudes expressed by some people that 'only x, y, or z acts are cheating'. Cheating is a betrayal of trust, of stepping over boundaries of a relationship. Makes me wonder how many people here have been victims of an emotional affair.