SEX!!!

[InevitableFate]

Right, I joined up after seeing this thread.

Now, I noticed that earlier on there was some mention of Asexuality, and some Asexual undertones later on. My quick scanning didn't turn up any results, but I'm not foolproof... This post I'm looking at now (by one "t3h br0th3r") is talking about one Erana, and I think they may have been the person the discussion concerned. Not that it really matters.

Anyway, the reason I'm here is to bring an Asexual viewpoint to the topic. Yes, I am Asexual myself. I'd better start with a definition first because most people I meet don't know what it is:

Asexuality is the lack of Sexual Attraction.

Note that it's not the lack of romance. There are many (I'm tempted to say most, but I have no proof of that) asexuals who experience romantic attraction. They want to be in a relationship with someone. They "fall in love". They DO NOT want to have sex with them. They don't see a person and think: "They're hot". Incidentally, I myself am not in this catagory. I'm what AVEN (the main Asexual Community on the Internet) calls aromantic. So yeah, I can't proclaim to know what that's like either.

Now, with regard to the topic, which I believe was: "Is sex needed for a relationship?" The answer is No. But wait! It's also Yes. As I just mentioned, Asexuals can desire relationships, but don't want to have sex. In these cases, is it not still a relationship? Sexuals on the other hand are different. It's my opinion (though I'm hardly and expert, this is observation) that Sexuals have romantic attraction and sexual attraction linked. In other words, you can't have one without the other.

As one might imagine, this leads to difficulties in Asexual-Sexual relationships.


To forestall some questions that might follow this:

Asexuals do not have hormone problems.
Asexuals are not victims of abuse.
Asexuals do not have any psychological disorder (Those researchers among you may stumble across a certain "Hyposexuality Disorder". This IS NOT Asexuality. The difference being someone only has HSD if they're distressed by their apparent Asexuality).
Asexuals constitute approximately 1% of the population (according to various, albeit, sadly limited, studies).
Some Asexuals are disgusted by sex, others don't care, while others do enjoy it (There's no medical condition that prevents the pleasure aspects).

Right... that's all the obvious stuff I can think of for now.

I'll try and keep an eye on this thread (but I may forget) and see if I can answer any more questions about this. If not, I'll pass it onto someone from AVEN who does know better.

~ Inevitable

 

[roboosh]

Sex isn't even slighty important in a relationship...

Agreed with this smart person.

well no sex in a relationship is called a friendship

Haha! /highfive

 

[Xanadeas]

I suspect that the large number of people in this thread that don't understand what relationships add to sex, or see the down side of casual sex, is directly tied to the fact that most of the population on the board are a)25 and under, and thus have life to learn, and/or b) geeky gamers who haven't gotten into a serious enough relationship to understand the difference

That's just stupid. There is no one on here that doesn't see there are downsides to casual sex - everyone knows what the dangers are, we're not fuckwits - we are simply arguing that there is actually nothing IMMORAL about it.

Most people on this forum, in fact almost all, have posted in favour of sex within a loving, trusting, long-term relationship.

I see plenty of downsides to sex in general... But the good parts seem to outweigh the bad. For once. XD Personally I don't see myself ever actually having sex or even saying I love you to someone in a romantic sense. However if the time comes I'm quite certain I'll be rutting away like a wile beast and enjoying every part of it.

 

[ThatJagoGuy]

Thought I'd pipe in again and clarify something that has been frequently, erroneously stated throughout this thread. A relationship without sex is not definitely 'friendship'.

Hendrick & Hendrick (1995) defined five core forms of love:
Eros - Defined by physiological arousal and emphatuation with another
Storge - Compassionate love (friendship)
Pragma - Logical love that requires only that the other person is compatible.
Mania - Possessive, often obsessive and jealous.
Agape - Altrusitic, unconditional care and affection for another.

Of these, only Eros has sex as an assumed feature/function.

Right, back to revision for me.

 

[InevitableFate]

Hey - I mentioned this earlier, but on another thread: I used to be convinced (for years, I mean) I was asexual because even people I thought I was in love with, I didn't want to have sex with. This wasn't just some thing where i was about 12 and i wasn't having sexual feelings... it lasted into my early 20s, and although I'd had had sex with a few people by then, I only did it because i felt like i should.

And like I said earlier, it used to make me miserable because I thought I was destined to die alone, which is a depressing thought for anyone.

Anyway, it just turned out I'm really frigid, but my boyfriend puts up with it.

NOTE: I am NOT implying that is the case with you, so don't get angry...

But anyway, it's a lonely place. Do you find that...? It sounds like you're quite happy with it.

Perfectly happy. I do know that asexuals do find it depressing, but not I.

Incidentally, and don't take this the wrong way, but you might not have been "Frigid". Sexuality is fluid. It changes. Not to mention there's all sorts of grey areas between Asexuality and Sexuality.

 

[Avatar Roku]

Right, I joined up after seeing this thread.

Now, I noticed that earlier on there was some mention of Asexuality, and some Asexual undertones later on. My quick scanning didn't turn up any results, but I'm not foolproof... This post I'm looking at now (by one "t3h br0th3r") is talking about one Erana, and I think they may have been the person the discussion concerned. Not that it really matters.

Anyway, the reason I'm here is to bring an Asexual viewpoint to the topic. Yes, I am Asexual myself. I'd better start with a definition first because most people I meet don't know what it is:

Asexuality is the lack of Sexual Attraction.

Note that it's not the lack of romance. There are many (I'm tempted to say most, but I have no proof of that) asexuals who experience romantic attraction. They want to be in a relationship with someone. They "fall in love". They DO NOT want to have sex with them. They don't see a person and think: "They're hot". Incidentally, I myself am not in this catagory. I'm what AVEN (the main Asexual Community on the Internet) calls aromantic. So yeah, I can't proclaim to know what that's like either.

Now, with regard to the topic, which I believe was: "Is sex needed for a relationship?" The answer is No. But wait! It's also Yes. As I just mentioned, Asexuals can desire relationships, but don't want to have sex. In these cases, is it not still a relationship? Sexuals on the other hand are different. It's my opinion (though I'm hardly and expert, this is observation) that Sexuals have romantic attraction and sexual attraction linked. In other words, you can't have one without the other.

As one might imagine, this leads to difficulties in Asexual-Sexual relationships.


To forestall some questions that might follow this:

Asexuals do not have hormone problems.
Asexuals are not victims of abuse.
Asexuals do not have any psychological disorder (Those researchers among you may stumble across a certain "Hyposexuality Disorder". This IS NOT Asexuality. The difference being someone only has HSD if they're distressed by their apparent Asexuality).
Asexuals constitute approximately 1% of the population (according to various, albeit, sadly limited, studies).
Some Asexuals are disgusted by sex, others don't care, while others do enjoy it (There's no medical condition that prevents the pleasure aspects).

Right... that's all the obvious stuff I can think of for now.

I'll try and keep an eye on this thread (but I may forget) and see if I can answer any more questions about this. If not, I'll pass it onto someone from AVEN who does know better.

~ Inevitable

This might well be the best thought out first post I've ever seen. Welcome.

 

[kanyatta]

I think of sex as an expression of how much I love having sex

I completely agree. The best relationship is one built on communication and devotion. Sex, for the most part, is just a selfish expression of how much you want pleasure.

Also, for all of the "but sex is natural" people, humans are the only creature on earth who use sex for any purpose other than reproduction.

 

[cleverlymadeup]

Thought I'd pipe in again and clarify something that has been frequently, erroneously stated throughout this thread. A relationship without sex is not definitely 'friendship'.

Hendrick & Hendrick (1995) defined five core forms of love:
Eros - Defined by physiological arousal and emphatuation with another
Storge - Compassionate love (friendship)
Pragma - Logical love that requires only that the other person is compatible.
Mania - Possessive, often obsessive and jealous.
Agape - Altrusitic, unconditional care and affection for another.

Of these, only Eros has sex as an assumed feature/function.

Right, back to revision for me.

hate to say this but that's love and not relationship. while love is part of a relationship, you don't need a relationship to love

and sorry if you just sit around and not do anything sexual with your partner at all, that's a friendship. i mean look at it this way, you sit around, talk, watch tv but you don't touch one another in any way beyond the occasional kiss, that's friendship

 

[Xanadeas]

I suspect that the large number of people in this thread that don't understand what relationships add to sex, or see the down side of casual sex, is directly tied to the fact that most of the population on the board are a)25 and under, and thus have life to learn, and/or b) geeky gamers who haven't gotten into a serious enough relationship to understand the difference

That's just stupid. There is no one on here that doesn't see there are downsides to casual sex - everyone knows what the dangers are, we're not fuckwits - we are simply arguing that there is actually nothing IMMORAL about it.

Most people on this forum, in fact almost all, have posted in favour of sex within a loving, trusting, long-term relationship.

I see plenty of downsides to sex in general... But the good parts seem to outweigh the bad. For once. XD Personally I don't see myself ever actually having sex or even saying I love you to someone in a romantic sense. However if the time comes I'm quite certain I'll be rutting away like a wile beast and enjoying every part of it.

Delightful.

Isn't it though? :3

 

[Lord George]

Thought I'd pipe in again and clarify something that has been frequently, erroneously stated throughout this thread. A relationship without sex is not definitely 'friendship'.

Hendrick & Hendrick (1995) defined five core forms of love:
Eros - Defined by physiological arousal and emphatuation with another
Storge - Compassionate love (friendship)
Pragma - Logical love that requires only that the other person is compatible.
Mania - Possessive, often obsessive and jealous.
Agape - Altrusitic, unconditional care and affection for another.

Of these, only Eros has sex as an assumed feature/function.

Right, back to revision for me.

hate to say this but that's love and not relationship. while love is part of a relationship, you don't need a relationship to love

and sorry if you just sit around and not do anything sexual with your partner at all, that's a friendship. i mean look at it this way, you sit around, talk, watch tv but you don't touch one another in any way beyond the occasional kiss, that's friendship

Thats called a marriage. Zing. (okay that was quite awful. I regret nothing.)

 

[Xanadeas]

I think of sex as an expression of how much I love having sex

I completely agree. The best relationship is one built on communication and devotion. Sex, for the most part, is just a selfish expression of how much you want pleasure.

Also, for all of the "but sex is natural" people, humans are the only creature on earth who use sex for any purpose other than reproduction.

That's not true at all. There are documented cases of homosexuality in non-human animals. That's not procreation. There are also documented cases of a species of bird killing other birds and raping the corpses to vent sexual frustration. That doesn't aid in procreation either.

 

[kanyatta]

Actually, I don't think that's quite correct.

Firstly I've heard that dolphins do it.
Secondly, do you think people have actually gone out and INVESTIGATED every species to determine this...? It isn't possible.

And lastly, even if they ARE the only ones... what does that signify? That it isn't therefore natural...?

Every animal (aside from humans) has a specific mating season that is scientifically documented. So, you either have to accept that humans are elevated above animals (thereby implying Creationism), or that sex is specifically for reproduction...

At least, that's the only way it makes sense for me.

 

[Nostalgia]

Also, for all of the "but sex is natural" people, humans are the only creature on earth who use sex for any purpose other than reproduction.

Not exactly true.
Both Dolphins and Bonobos do not use sex as only a means of procreation.

If we want to stretch it, many animals engaged with animals of the same gender, which would not lead to procreation either.

 

[Xanadeas]

Actually, I don't think that's quite correct.

Firstly I've heard that dolphins do it.
Secondly, do you think people have actually gone out and INVESTIGATED every species to determine this...? It isn't possible.

And lastly, even if they ARE the only ones... what does that signify? That it isn't therefore natural...?

Every animal (aside from humans) has a specific mating season that is scientifically documented. So, you either have to accept that humans are elevated above animals (thereby implying Creationism), or that sex is specifically for reproduction...

At least, that's the only way it makes sense for me.

A lot of animals do have particular mating seasons but not all of them. Saying otherwise is foolish as we haven't even documented every animal on the planet. There are animals we know absolutely nothing about. Animals we likely don't even know exist. Now I'm likely wrong as I haven't researched this but I do believe most primates don't follow that seasonal mating ritual that a lot of other animals do...

 

[Zedzero]

Sex isn't even slighty important in a relationship...

Um have you even wondered why there are sex therapist, books, guides, lectures and classes that talk about the importance of sex in a healthy relationship? Like christ how do you get those endophines runnign at high to achieve a sense of delight and happiness? sure you can feel happy just sitting down and chatting and all that jazz, but really you will never sexually, physically, emotionally, and spirtitual connect nearly as well as a relationship that does have sex AND love.

I do think how ever a relationship base around sex in very very unlikely to survive unless both partners can connect more effectively while having intercourse, then just out right saying thier emotions and what not. I myself cannot connect with others very well so I hope that I either evolve into the emotions of sympathy and empathy and pity or find a sexsually raw partner who I can connect with through sex primarly, not as a "horn dog" but because I'm not able too other wise.