The Escapist Advice Thread

[Headsprouter]

Pain. Blindness and pain.

Dear Escapist, how do I summon my spirit animal?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

First you gather a number of strange herbs that you've never heard of, then you inhale that shit! Then you start hallucinate something about your forefathers and then you meet an owl that tells you some bullshit about a forgotten god that is coming to destroy the world and is trying to enslave you through the hallucinogenic that you just smoked a few minutes ago.

Then after a few minutes of walking, you start seeing a group of random animals, pick one and you have a spirit animal.


Dear Escapist, how do I diet?

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

Just stop eating. Forever.

Dear Escapist, I'm stuck in a tree, how do I get down?

 

[Headsprouter]

Easy. I'll help you. First I use my dimension-rip powers to tear my way into a parallel universe. I use your soul gas (it exists in the parallel universe, but not you physically) to re-enter our world. Unfortunately you'll likely haemorrhage from me doing so. On the plus side, I dislodge you from the tree.

Now, Dear Escapist, how do I get down from here?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

*Starts up the engine*

Spoiler: Done!

Dear Escapist, how does one improve oneself?

 

[Teoes]

With that very same chainsaw.

Dear Escapist, I can't decide whether to have a crowbar or a chainsaw in place of my right hand. Can you please advise?

 

[Headsprouter]

Chainsaw. It really gives you the cutting edge.

Dear Escapist, how do I use my arms?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You lift one up and .....you figure out the rest.

Dear Escapist, Dear Escapist?

 

[Headsprouter]

Uhhhh...there should be some thread guidelines on the front page, that might explain it.

Dear Escapist, open this ketchup?

 

[Euryalus]

No! Eat salad instead!

How now brown cow?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Slaughter cow for meat and sustenance.

Dear person below, GET DOWN OR FUNKY?

 

[Kitsune Hunter]

Funky is the way to go

Dear Escapist, how do I block horrible films from my memory?

 

[Euryalus]

A lot of Drink... Or replace them with a Servian film >.>

Meshuggah or Gojira?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Gojira, cause I like their logo better.

Dear escapist, the floor is on fire! How do I transfer the fire to the roof so I can scream "THE ROOF IS ON FIAAAAH!"

 

[Teoes]

By mixing equal parts orange juice and petroleum jelly, then spraying copiously about.

Dear Escapist, how do I get this splinter out of my finger?

 

[Headsprouter]

Another splinter should do the trick. Hammer it in deeper and the other should slip out.

Dear Escapist, how do I psychoanalyse people?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Grab them, dig out their eye balls, and study them. The eyes are the gateway to the soul...

Dear the Escapist, how can I make others actually use the "the" when addressing this thread?

 

[Neuromancer]

You give them motivation to use it by showing what horrors await them if they don't.

Dear Escapist, how do I escape my inevitable demise?

 

[Teoes]

Spoiler: A Feast For Crows spoilers

By framing the young queen and trying to hunt down your little brother.

Dear Escapist, what do I do about this person eating my cheek?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You start eating his cheek to teach him a lesson!

Dear person under this forum post, do I punch a dick or dickhead?