The Escapist Advice Thread

[Teoes]

Neither - you dick a punchhead.

Dear Escapist, how can I improve my John Wayne impersonation?

 

[Kitsune Hunter]

By saying the word "pilgrim", at the end of every sentence, pilgrim.

Dear Escapist, how should I spend tomorrow?

 

[username sucks]

Video games and Escapist. Remove all other time consuming processes from your day, including, but not limited to: eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, urinating, or living.

Dear sescapist, hjow do I fikx typos?>

 

[Teoes]

Bu ysinh a spll chdcker.

Dear Escapist, what do I do now that username sucks made me think he typed 'Sexcapist'?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

I dont know, what you expected an advice? Fine! Go jerk some jerkies.

Dear belower, how do I cornermarket?

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

Easy. Get some dope and find a corner. Let the fiends come to you.

Dear Escapist, how do I trick people into thinking that I'm a deity?

 

[EeveeElectro]

When in doubt, helicopter dick.

Dear Escapist, how. do! I? Puncuate...>

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

YOU! NEE.D MO?AR P,U.N:C(A)T""I;O?N!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear the Escapist, a bunny... cat... thing is offering to grant me a wish and turn me into a magical girl if I make a contract with him... her... it. Should I do it?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

No, if the darn thing has the power to turn you into a magical girl then you better fucking eat the damn thing, who knows how powerful you can get if you eat it!

Dear Escapist, HOW DO I NO MORE LONELY??

 

[Kitsune Hunter]

All you have to do make some friends and I have the item for that job

Spoiler: Friendmaker

Go out and show them how "friendly" you are

Dear Escapist, what should I do to increase my luck when taking part in Speed dating

 

[EeveeElectro]

Tell them you can do MANY things in 2 minutes

Dear Escapist, how do I ring people?

 

[Teoes]

You start by bending them over and undoing their trousers.. then you [CENSORED]

Dear Escapist, what should I do about the [CENSORED] I found coming out of my [CENSORED] last time I sat down on the [CENSORED]?

 

[Neuromancer]

I am afraid that you will need to be castrated. Fret not, for I am an excellent castrator.

Dear Escapist, how do I castrate Teoes?

 

[Teoes]

The best way totally involves a brick in each hand and a clapping motion.

Dear Escapist, I appear to be bleeding. Please advise.

 

[username sucks]

The best thing to do when bleeding is to cut deeper to find the exact vessels that you are bleeding from.

Dear Escapist, I am sad. What do I do?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Well mister Torgue, go 'splode shit up! That always makes you happy!

Dear Escapist, I think I am in the wrong class in school today, what do I do?

 

[Teoes]

Drop your trousers, moon the teacher and go find the right classroom.

Dear Escapist, my sandwich is potentially boring today. What do I do?

 

[username sucks]

Give it some lessons on how to have fun.

Dear Escapist, how do I improve my non-existent fashion sense?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Walk around naked, the police love it.

Dear ya set of wankers, how the fuck do I speak better to people? Piss off!

 

[Teoes]

There's nothing a fucking mare like yourself could ever hope to learn, so get it up ye ya wee gobshite.

Dear Escapist, how can I calm down after dealing with that troublesome situation?