The Escapist Advice Thread

[StormShaun]

You ask Dr. Who to help you, then ya kill him.
Steal his ... thing.
Then you go back in time to the dinosaur age, dance for a little while. Then you pull out a clock, smash it and congratulations you destroyed past time which allows you to gain more.

... trust me it makes sense.

Dear Escapist people, how do I gain followers on Twitter!?

 

[username sucks]

Put up boring videos of cats and make sure to beg for followers in the video and description.

Dear escapist, I have declared Fijiman my Escapist nemesis. How do I win?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Cut off your finger and send it to his house.

Dear Escapist, how do I dress myself?

 

[Dalek Caan]

Burn all your clothes, never will have to worry about dressing yourself again.

Dear Escapist, how do I hate you better?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Send us lots of chocolate, diamonds, and cash. That will really make us suffer.

Dear the Escapist, I been contacted by the Arch-Duke of Nigeria that I can become "ultra super rich" if I give him a cash payment of only 250,000. What should I do? Is this a scam?

 

[EeveeElectro]

It certainly isn't. I did it once and never looked back now I have gold toilet seats! go for it, and send me your PIN number while you're at it.

Dear Escapist, How do I fix my washing machine?

 

[Headsprouter]

Take the cat out.

Dear Escapist, how do I climb stairs?

 

[username sucks]

Just run as fast as you can at them and pretend it's flat ground.

Dear Escapist, how do I get the cat to stop biting me?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Remove the cats jaw.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop animal rights groups hating me?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Set lions on them.

Dear Escapist, how do I clean my room?

 

[thesilentman]

Lawnmowers. Use them wisely. :-D

Dear Escapist; how do I fly?

 

[Euryalus]

Jump off the empire state building and just believe in yourself.

Dear Escapist, mutant raccoons in my basement. What do?

 

[kailus13]

Use fire. Lots of fire.

Dear Escapist, How do I stop biting my nails?

 

[Nantucket_v1legacy]

Pour acid all over them.
That way you will have no nails to chew and if you get too close to your fingers, your mouth will feel the same effect.

Dear Escapist, I think my dog is a zebra in disguise.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Lift him upside down and squeeze his balls. If he says, "crikey!" then you're right.

Dear Escapist, how do I read?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

$#^fs d%$&$&*@# @1$#@Dfser S95YY&D0;RD :'/!2468

Dear the Escapist, I need money to pay for the rent (the Nigerian prince has yet to give me the money and my checking account mysteriously was wiped), what should I do?

 

[Euryalus]

Get it from him Mercenaries 2 style.

Ich kann mich nicht erinnern, wie man Englisch spricht! Hilf mir! D:

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

escapist_badadvice.exe does not understand languages besides 'murican. Learn the language God intended and try again.

Dear the Escapist, how do I tell my family that I am not a man?

 

[kailus13]

Send them a singing telegram.

Dear Escapist, how do I cool down?