Things to say when Jehovah's Witnesses are on your doorstep

[EightGaugeHippo]

Press the button on my door step that releases the trap door to the rancor pit.

 

[Mana Fiend]

[Insert Black Books reference]

Dammit, you stole my idea.

Try convert them to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

 

[DaturasFire]

"FUCK YOU BALTIMORE!" eh mabey thats not such a good idea, (sorry was watching big bills hell ,again)
just say your not intrested then pull out a shotgun.

Whats wrong with the cesspool that is baltimore? other than high murder rate and too close to DC?


I Actually have done a variation of Kortney... fake blood pentagram, wearing a loin cloth and holding a "bloody knife" I had one girl nekkid and smeared with "blood" "try to escape" but my girlfriend and her sister grabbed her and dragged her back inside.... they called the police

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

i said "Sorry im a satanist" works everytime xD

Answer the door in nothing but a lioncloth and a ketchup covered kitchen knife. Then say your a satanist. Have a friend make sheep noises if possible. Mass hilarity will ensue. If i spot them from the window i tend to ignore them and pretend im not home.

 

[little.09]

say sorry your too late jesus has come back and hes a skater (insert photo of chris haslam)

 

[Caliostro]

"Oh... It's you... thought it was people. Bye."

Or if you really wanna fuck with them let them in, lock the door, then start getting creepy. If you have a gun, just start cleaning it very carefully in front of them while listening to them, if you don't get a big knife and just say something like "sorry, I hope it doesn't creep you out, it's just a nervous reflex". Pretend to be interested but once in a while ask stuff like "say... How tall are you again?...6 foot 2? mhh... Ok, in three pieces, that's slightly over 2 ft a piece... it's ok, I can do that... Sorry, go on". Make sure you have a very intense expression on your face.

If they're being persistent then get REALLY in their faces about it... "So... like... hypothetically... Like, just saying you know, but... hypothetically speaking... what's your church's view on... and I'm just putting it out there you know, hypothetically... Murdering hookers and eating their livers...? Nono! I'm just asking! No reason, I just... Just thought of it, sorry.". Then let them go on and keep popping up shit like that. "What if it's an 8 year old child instead? Just saying. No reason.". Maybe get up, go to the window and start closing the blinders, looking outside suspiciously and shit. Ask them shit like "Say... How fast can you run again? Sorry, just, small talk! But would you say...olympic level? No reason.".

If they last more than an hour without trampling each other to leave, you're doing it wrong. And when they do, before you unlock the door, make sure you deliver the final blow "So soon?! But I didn't have time to show you my basement... Sigh... Ok I guess, but do come back some day ok? I wanna hear more."

 

[Googooguru]

You Aint got no Pancake Mix .. classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwyZ0ji1GRU

 

[Plastic Muscles]

I tell you what not to do open the door and scream as loud as you can, no words, just noise. Also don't tred on a big shard of glass when you step back opening the door.

Lets just say it was awkward and painful.

 

[Digital_Utopia]

I keep a mannequin rolled tightly in a tarp, so when they ring my bell I can start dragging it out and say:

"Oh good! Hey, could you give me a hand with this? It's a little heavy."

At the very least they'd probably run off pretty quickly. At the most, they'd call the cops and even more hilarity would ensue.

 

[Eliam_Dar]

I actually invited one, and debated with him. He left a bit angry and they never knock on my door again, which is a miracle considering that their tample is just one block away from home.

EDIT: Wait I almost forgot, they did knock on my door a few weeks later, and they brougth children with them to preach to me....CHILDREN!!!

I just said: "I do not follow the god of the desert"

 

[Steambroom]

Start playing some Death Metal. That should do the trick.

 

[similar.squirrel]

My mother claimed that we were a Jewish family. And my father told me a funny little anecdote about a Jewish friend of his who calmly informed some Witnesses that they were reading some ancient script the wrong way around when they tried to impress him with their esoteric knowledge.

I think the best thing to do is politely state that you're not interested, or invite them in for tea and a chat. It's often enlightening to learn about these beliefs.

[We've come to talk about Jee-a-sus!]

 

[Treefingers]

"Hi guys, welcome in, fancy a cup of coffee?"

 

[Lexodus]

"Jesus and I have agreed to see other people."

Fucking WIN.

The Witnesses never come round here, but two old Gideon men started creeping around when everybody else had left (this is private land, we live in a valley in the countryside), so I called the cops on them, for both trespass and being old and creepy around a 12 year old (then) boy.

My uncle, however, has had run-ins with the Witnesses. He also has a replica shotgun. Strangely enough, they didn't come back after the first time.

 

[Ldude893]

Don't even go to the door. Turn off all lights and stay away from the front windows. Do something without making such loud of a noise, like read a book or go on the computer with headphones on.

 

[Enemy Of The State]

Listen intently and then randomly shout "LEEEEROOOY JEEEENKIIIINS!!"

Works every time >

 

[tehroc]

I tell them I'm a Buddhist and they leave it open so I go on the offensive. If I had some Buddhist pamphlets I would hand them out. They usually scamper off in fear of heathen religions.

 

[JordanMillward_1]

Sure, come in, I was just making my boyfriend (I'm a guy) some breakfast!

Say that whilst being in a dressing gown, and they will generally not hang around for longer than 10 seconds

 

[DTWolfwood]

No. I don't want what your selling. (Shuts Door)

 

[slightly evil]

My dad says that telling them you were brought up catholic works nicely.
If i had the guts I would try to convert them to athiesm