Why do people always try to excuse failed attempts at romance?

[silversnake4133]

It's a defense mechanism. Let's be honest, people hate feeling like crap, that's why they do/say things that make them feel better. In the case of failed relationships, it's kind of a "it's not me it's you" kind of thing when the person who was rejected is by him or herself. It's more like they're trying to justify to themselves that the relationship ending wasn't their fault and therefore alleviating any guilt that may otherwise come with admitting it. Same thing can be said for people who don't like admitting when they are wrong in an argument when they clearly are.

 

[S_SienZ]

It's a defense mechanism. Let's be honest, people hate feeling like crap, that's why they do/say things that make them feel better. In the case of failed relationships, it's kind of a "it's not me it's you" kind of thing when the person who was rejected is by him or herself. It's more like they're trying to justify to themselves that the relationship ending wasn't their fault and therefore alleviating any guilt that may otherwise come with admitting it. Same thing can be said for people who don't like admitting when they are wrong in an argument when they clearly are.

Pretty much this.

I'd argue some degree of it is necessary. Take it from me, you can get awfully rocked in the confidence department if you constantly scrutinize yourself, simply because a large majority of people have issues / baggage after a certain point in life.

 

[TheDoctor455]

Don't take it personally I just need to rant off some steam.

Seriously? Why?

So often people try to excuse failed relationship attempts by saying that nice guys never get the girl, guys only want a girl who looks like X, he only wants someone easy, she's a golddigger, etc. etc.

Sometimes those excuses have some basis in fact but half the time it seems like people are just whining. Firstly, you think your a nice guy, doesn't mean you are, the girl could have a good personality/ if he's not attracted to you the relationship will probably suffer to begin with, etc. etc.

To me it always seemed kind of...honestly pathetic. I'm not talking about being broken up with, I'm talking about someone asking someone out and getting turned down...I understand it's disappoint, but...honestly does a person have to vilify other people to make themself feel better? It seems like a poor character trait, and an unhealthy way to live instead of just accepting it and moving onto greener pastures

Hmm... not me. I fully acknowledge that all of my failed attempts at even getting a relationship started are due to 1. my social incompetence... and 2. the fact that it took me almost 10 years to figure out that I'm mostly asexual. (unlike most people, apparently, I didn't really think that much about my own sexuality until more recently... for anyone interested in a coherent timeline... I'm 22 now)

 

[darlarosa]

Don't take it personally I just need to rant off some steam.

Seriously? Why?

So often people try to excuse failed relationship attempts by saying that nice guys never get the girl, guys only want a girl who looks like X, he only wants someone easy, she's a golddigger, etc. etc.

Sometimes those excuses have some basis in fact but half the time it seems like people are just whining. Firstly, you think your a nice guy, doesn't mean you are, the girl could have a good personality/ if he's not attracted to you the relationship will probably suffer to begin with, etc. etc.

To me it always seemed kind of...honestly pathetic. I'm not talking about being broken up with, I'm talking about someone asking someone out and getting turned down...I understand it's disappoint, but...honestly does a person have to vilify other people to make themself feel better? It seems like a poor character trait, and an unhealthy way to live instead of just accepting it and moving onto greener pastures

Hmm... not me. I fully acknowledge that all of my failed attempts at even getting a relationship started are due to 1. my social incompetence... and 2. the fact that it took me almost 10 years to figure out that I'm mostly asexual. (unlike most people, apparently, I didn't really think that much about my own sexuality until more recently... for anyone interested in a coherent timeline... I'm 22 now)

Well you put things in perspective, which is far more than most people.
Just gonna say that social things are hard (>_> personally I like to be friends with someone then forgo the crap and outright ask if they are interested, screw social mores)

 

[Delsana]

I think some statistical proof of your claims is needed.

 

[SirPlindington]

Because some people don't want to accept the fact that they got rejected, so they come up with reasons why they were rejected that makes it the other person's fault. It' that simple. It might be a little pathetic, but that doesn't make it untrue.

 

[Alexnader]

Seriously? Why?

Because there always IS an excuse? "She cheated/He Cheated, He Does Drugs/She Does Drugs, He's too insecure/She's too insecure", etc. Whatever you want, there is always an excuse. The question you want to ask is "Why do people so often blame others for their own failings?"

The thing that gets me though is its not always a "failing", sometimes people go around making excuses when the reason something didn't work out was that they just weren't compatible on a deeper level. Like it's no major loss or anything except to a bit of pride maybe...

You've provided the answer to your own question. It's not really a big deal but people feel like other people would think it is. They get defensive, it happens. Most of the time nothing ever comes of it that's worth talking about, if someone wants to make an excuse for themselves to help cope then as long as it doesn't have any negative consequences it doesn't matter.

 

[TheDoctor455]

Don't take it personally I just need to rant off some steam.

Seriously? Why?

So often people try to excuse failed relationship attempts by saying that nice guys never get the girl, guys only want a girl who looks like X, he only wants someone easy, she's a golddigger, etc. etc.

Sometimes those excuses have some basis in fact but half the time it seems like people are just whining. Firstly, you think your a nice guy, doesn't mean you are, the girl could have a good personality/ if he's not attracted to you the relationship will probably suffer to begin with, etc. etc.

To me it always seemed kind of...honestly pathetic. I'm not talking about being broken up with, I'm talking about someone asking someone out and getting turned down...I understand it's disappoint, but...honestly does a person have to vilify other people to make themself feel better? It seems like a poor character trait, and an unhealthy way to live instead of just accepting it and moving onto greener pastures

Hmm... not me. I fully acknowledge that all of my failed attempts at even getting a relationship started are due to 1. my social incompetence... and 2. the fact that it took me almost 10 years to figure out that I'm mostly asexual. (unlike most people, apparently, I didn't really think that much about my own sexuality until more recently... for anyone interested in a coherent timeline... I'm 22 now)

Well you put things in perspective, which is far more than most people.
Just gonna say that social things are hard (>_> personally I like to be friends with someone then forgo the crap and outright ask if they are interested, screw social mores)

Umm... what did you mean by "put things in perspective"?

 

[darlarosa]

Don't take it personally I just need to rant off some steam.

Seriously? Why?

So often people try to excuse failed relationship attempts by saying that nice guys never get the girl, guys only want a girl who looks like X, he only wants someone easy, she's a golddigger, etc. etc.

Sometimes those excuses have some basis in fact but half the time it seems like people are just whining. Firstly, you think your a nice guy, doesn't mean you are, the girl could have a good personality/ if he's not attracted to you the relationship will probably suffer to begin with, etc. etc.

To me it always seemed kind of...honestly pathetic. I'm not talking about being broken up with, I'm talking about someone asking someone out and getting turned down...I understand it's disappoint, but...honestly does a person have to vilify other people to make themself feel better? It seems like a poor character trait, and an unhealthy way to live instead of just accepting it and moving onto greener pastures

Hmm... not me. I fully acknowledge that all of my failed attempts at even getting a relationship started are due to 1. my social incompetence... and 2. the fact that it took me almost 10 years to figure out that I'm mostly asexual. (unlike most people, apparently, I didn't really think that much about my own sexuality until more recently... for anyone interested in a coherent timeline... I'm 22 now)

Well you put things in perspective, which is far more than most people.
Just gonna say that social things are hard (>_> personally I like to be friends with someone then forgo the crap and outright ask if they are interested, screw social mores)

Umm... what did you mean by "put things in perspective"?

Wrong word usage...umm trying to think of something sufficient...you think about things and analyze things about yourself and that is a good trait? I meant that it doesn't sound like you immediately blame the world for someone not liking you or something, or come up with some sort of asinine self-important kind of reasoning.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Sometimes those excuses have some basis in fact but half the time it seems like people are just whining. Firstly, you think your a nice guy, doesn't mean you are, the girl could have a good personality/ if he's not attracted to you the relationship will probably suffer to begin with, etc. etc.

You've answered your own question.

"Why don't girls like me? Maybe there's something unlikeable about me...or, no, something is wrong with all girls in teh entire world, they only like guys who aren't me, and are therefore horrible! The world is so unfair, I'm owed a plaything due to how awesome I am."

And so on.

There is an awful, awful lot of whining and self-delusion to go around.

 

[TheDoctor455]

Don't take it personally I just need to rant off some steam.

Seriously? Why?

So often people try to excuse failed relationship attempts by saying that nice guys never get the girl, guys only want a girl who looks like X, he only wants someone easy, she's a golddigger, etc. etc.

Sometimes those excuses have some basis in fact but half the time it seems like people are just whining. Firstly, you think your a nice guy, doesn't mean you are, the girl could have a good personality/ if he's not attracted to you the relationship will probably suffer to begin with, etc. etc.

To me it always seemed kind of...honestly pathetic. I'm not talking about being broken up with, I'm talking about someone asking someone out and getting turned down...I understand it's disappoint, but...honestly does a person have to vilify other people to make themself feel better? It seems like a poor character trait, and an unhealthy way to live instead of just accepting it and moving onto greener pastures

Hmm... not me. I fully acknowledge that all of my failed attempts at even getting a relationship started are due to 1. my social incompetence... and 2. the fact that it took me almost 10 years to figure out that I'm mostly asexual. (unlike most people, apparently, I didn't really think that much about my own sexuality until more recently... for anyone interested in a coherent timeline... I'm 22 now)

Well you put things in perspective, which is far more than most people.
Just gonna say that social things are hard (>_> personally I like to be friends with someone then forgo the crap and outright ask if they are interested, screw social mores)

Umm... what did you mean by "put things in perspective"?

Wrong word usage...umm trying to think of something sufficient...you think about things and analyze things about yourself and that is a good trait? I meant that it doesn't sound like you immediately blame the world for someone not liking you or something, or come up with some sort of asinine self-important kind of reasoning.

Ah. Fair enough then.
Hmm... oh and in case anyone was wondering what I meant by 'mostly asexual' well...
1. I have little to no interest in sex.
2. I generally don't feel strong physical attractions for any reason.
3. The only reason I generally feel even any physical attraction to anyone (usually very faint) is when we have formed a very strong emotional bond.
4. I'm significantly happier when I'm not bothering to "pursue" anybody.

To give you an idea... such a bond has only happened twice in my life so far... and both times I was not actively trying to 'be' with either person. Also in both cases, I did not act on these 'bonds' for different reasons.

 

[sanquin]

I'd like to point out that there are plenty of cases where the person really was just a nice girl/guy that got rejected because of it.

That being said, I think this whole idea of 'I got rejected, must be because I'm a nice guy!' stems from a combination of things. 1: Girls saying they basically want a nice guy, when they explain what they want in a guy. 2: Nice guys going 'All right! I'll ask her out!' 3: Girls then rejecting them and instead going for some douche bag. Sure not nearly all cases are like this. But that scenario is what this whole idea probably stems from.

Plus, look at the overall picture. There has been research into this even. Nice people really DO get the girl far less often than bad people. Doesn't mean every rejected person is automatically a nice person, but the numbers are there.

 

[darlarosa]

Ah. Fair enough then.
Hmm... oh and in case anyone was wondering what I meant by 'mostly asexual' well...
1. I have little to no interest in sex.
2. I generally don't feel strong physical attractions for any reason.
3. The only reason I generally feel even any physical attraction to anyone (usually very faint) is when we have formed a very strong emotional bond.
4. I'm significantly happier when I'm not bothering to "pursue" anybody.

To give you an idea... such a bond has only happened twice in my life so far... and both times I was not actively trying to 'be' with either person. Also in both cases, I did not act on these 'bonds' for different reasons.

I understand what you mean. I have a few friends like that actually, so to me it's kinda normal :/ (then again I also associate with some sex fiends and thats kinda normal to me too...)

I'd like to point out that there are plenty of cases where the person really was just a nice girl/guy that got rejected because of it.

That being said, I think this whole idea of 'I got rejected, must be because I'm a nice guy!' stems from a combination of things. 1: Girls saying they basically want a nice guy, when they explain what they want in a guy. 2: Nice guys going 'All right! I'll ask her out!' 3: Girls then rejecting them and instead going for some douche bag. Sure not nearly all cases are like this. But that scenario is what this whole idea probably stems from.

Plus, look at the overall picture. There has been research into this even. Nice people really DO get the girl far less often than bad people. Doesn't mean every rejected person is automatically a nice person, but the numbers are there.

But...I mean there is an allure to danger. But I feel like a lot of the time people assume someone is a douchebag. It can be true, not saying it can't. But so often I've heard people talk about someone being a douchebag for that reason...and try to garner sympathy from me...and then I just can't.

 

[sanquin]

But...I mean there is an allure to danger. But I feel like a lot of the time people assume someone is a douchebag. It can be true, not saying it can't. But so often I've heard people talk about someone being a douchebag for that reason...and try to garner sympathy from me...and then I just can't.

When the rejected person tells you that the guy/girl their crush went for instead is a douche bag you should never believe it anyway. Only see for your own eyes. That being said, it does happen quite a bit that girls SAY they want a nice guy, but GO for a douche bag.

 

[spartan231490]

Sometimes those reasons are entirely based in fact, and when it comes to your own failings very very few people have 20/20 vision, so even when it's not many people may believe that it is. Sometimes it's just a way to make a joke and laugh at your own failure as a way to feel better about. Sometimes they're just petty and need to blame others, this happens a lot in almost any subject, not just failed relationships.

 

[crazyarms33]

...Like it's no major loss or anything except to a bit of pride maybe...

This is a big deal for males, at least aggressive males, in which category I include myself. How many stupid bets have been made for the sake of pride? How many ridiculous dares attempted for pride's sake? How many injuries for the sake of saying to another guy, "Fuck you, I did it and you didn't. Wanker." I would assume women are the same way(I wouldn't know seeing as how I'm not one and all...) but pride makes people do STUUUUUUPID shit. Its also easier for people to blame someone else than look inside and go "Hmmm...maybe I dropped the ball here. How can I fix that?"

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

I've never excused any past relationship that didn't work out. To this day, I have yet to be in a meaningful relationship (not for lack of trying, mind you). It is always an issue about the wants of each individual and my refusal to change who I am for someone else. There's nothing wrong with what I want and who I am and I feel that I shouldn't compromise unless I do feel that the other person is worth it.

So far, I have yet to find that woman.

 

[BeeGeenie]

It's called "Human Nature." If you got shot down, you might find yourself in the same position. It's always easier to justify your own actions than someone elses. Maybe you've made up an elaborate excuse for why you turned someone down. You may even have done it and not realized it.
Not that I'm pointing fingers, I'm just illustrating the point. It is a basic human need to feel like you matter, like you are important, and getting rejected jeopardizes that desire to feel "worthy." It's natural to believe that the other person is the reason it didn't work.