Why do people always try to excuse failed attempts at romance?

[Hagi]

About the same reason many posters in this thread are parading their 'knowledge' of asking girls out in this thread.

About the same reason you're calling it pathetic and feel the need to rant about it.

About the same reason I'm making this post right now.

Ego.

We all have it. We all want to feel valuable and appreciated both by others as well as intrinsically by ourselves.

So we make threads about people whose actions we feel are inferior to our own. So we make posts about actions of our own we feel are superior. So we make posts explaining that that happens in an effort of something that's superior to all of the before mentioned.

We all do crazy irrational stuff to feel better about ourselves. Some of us make up explanations as to why we've been rejected. Some of us make threads deeming that behaviour pathetic, directly implying that they themselves are not. Some of us make posts essentially calling those threads pathetic, directly implying that they themselves are not.

We're all pathetic really. Well, except for me of course. I'm awesome.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

To be honest, I?m skeptical of those who call themselves ?a nice guy?, because?well, who the fuck does that?

 

[Combustion Kevin]

confidance is extremely important, and when one guy says "I'm a flawed person that just tries real hard." and another says "I'm fucking amazing!", guess who wins in that department.
because when you can act well enough, it doesn't have to be true, and liars win the initial moment.

when someone asks about your past failings in the romantic department, saying that you were NOT a clingy, possesive dick makes you far more attractive than saying you were, honesty simply does not pay off that well in the dating scene, it sucks but it happens.

I know a few guys who admit their past failings and have formed some kind of guilt-complex because of it, trying to be as supportive and attentive as they POSSIBLY can to avoid rejection, 'caus "hey! girls like being treated right, right?", and they just come off as desperate.

though, on the long term, you can't hide forever, and douchebags usually fail themselves until they become a better person.

I guess thats my advice, dont be a dick, be a good person, if you're rejected for not being full of yourself, then you were wasting your time in the first place.

 

[Sparrow]

So often people try to excuse failed relationship attempts by saying that nice guys never get the girl, guys only want a girl who looks like X, he only wants someone easy, she's a golddigger, etc. etc.

Sounds like this is more fueled toward guys than women. Still, I get your point. Nine times out of ten it's probably just a coping mechanism. Getting shot down hurts, so instead of just coming right out and saying the probably just weren't attracted to you it's easier to say something like "well, she's only interested in money anyway" so you can pass it off as a small loss.

 

[darlarosa]

-snip-

You....you have made me very angry with your complete list of assumptions about me that are based in NOTHING.
I can word things how ever the fuck I want. Try and stop me.
I never said I was being wise. In fact I point out that I'm just ranting about something that annoys me. Who the hell said I was being wise? NOT ME. GOT IT?
Lastly I will judge whoever the hell I want. Because I can and you can't do a damn thing to stop me. Besides aren't you being hypocritical? Your judging me before you even get to the topic of the thread.

snip

To quote a wise man "This ain't about you god damn it." In the future don't take these things so personally :/ that is all.

-snip

I provide equal examples from both genders.

Vaginas and penises are irrelevant to bullshit

 

[Fappy]

To be honest, I?m skeptical of those who call themselves ?a nice guy?, because?well, who the fuck does that?

Hey, I'm a pretty nice guy... sometimes.... >.>

 

[Doclector]

snip

To quote a wise man "This ain't about you god damn it." In the future don't take these things so personally :/ that is all.

No, that's not all. You directed that post at everyone who fails at relationships. That includes me, does it not? Last time I checked, I hadn't had a relationship in two years, and even that one wasn't proper, and my virginity is very much intact. I'd say that's a pretty big fucking failure on my part, but no, apparantly I always blame everyone else, don't I? If I didn't, then why the hell didn't you say?

I put up with enough bullshit because of my failures without you stereotyping me. Think before you speak. Put in some thought about how you make people feel. Now look what you gone and done. I'm all angry, and it being five o clock in the afternoon, I can't drink that feeling away just yet.

 

[darlarosa]

snip

To quote a wise man "This ain't about you god damn it." In the future don't take these things so personally :/ that is all.

No, that's not all. You directed that post at everyone who fails at relationships. That includes me, does it not? Last time I checked, I hadn't had a relationship in two years, and even that one wasn't proper, and my virginity is very much intact. I'd say that's a pretty big fucking failure on my part, but no, apparantly I always blame everyone else, don't I? If I didn't, then why the hell didn't you say?

I put up with enough bullshit because of my failures without you stereotyping me. Think before you speak. Put in some thought about how you make people feel. Now look what you gone and done. I'm all angry, and it being five o clock in the afternoon, I can't drink that feeling away just yet.

I'm complaining about people who go out of their way to excuse their failed attempts at romance. Plenty of relationships fail for valid reasons, and people don't try to cover those reasons up and shift blame when there is no blame to be had. I'm not specific. I don't care about you, your virginity, and your blazing display of insecurity. No where in my original post did I say "Doclector keeps bugging me with these relationship excuses". I don't know anything about your relationships, if you don't shift blame and try to write off everyone you've ever dated as having some MASSIVE and nonexistent flaw that somehow makes it better that they broke up with you because you feel shitty about it, good on you. Then this thread wasn't talking about people like you. You are angry for no real reason other than this thread must have hit something close to home. Cause otherwise there is no reason for you to be this upset.

I'm upset because you and others instantly act like I mention you by name. That. That is annoying to me. It just is. Even if you mean nothing by it.

 

[rbstewart7263]

I had a few ex girlfriends say that I was too nice. Later in life I ran into some of them... all they did was whine on how I was so good to them and the guy they married is such a jerk... blah blah blah... One of them thought i was in the closet because I was so nice to them. I feel bad for them but at the same time I don't. In the end, my wife saw how much of a "sweet guy" I am and we have been together for over 10 years now.

Captcha: Date of expiration
Oh, Captcha... what are you trying to tell me? lol

Yeah we may finish last but we also finish in the best way.

edit: And you know she love it when you finish last! :O oooooooh! sorry couldnt resist.


nay Im not sorry lmao

 

[Faraja]

You....you have made me very angry with your complete list of assumptions about me that are based in NOTHING.
I can word things how ever the fuck I want. Try and stop me.
I never said I was being wise. In fact I point out that I'm just ranting about something that annoys me. Who the hell said I was being wise? NOT ME. GOT IT?
Lastly I will judge whoever the hell I want. Because I can and you can't do a damn thing to stop me. Besides aren't you being hypocritical? Your judging me before you even get to the topic of the thread.

Sounds like you have your own, personal, self-esteem issues to deal with, and you might be projecting a bit. If one person's response, on the internet, is making you that angry then there's probably something else going on.

Second (and this is dealing with women, since I'm not attracted to men), if you really want to know why things are like that, then just take a look at the dating world and media. When the eHarmony Advice Forum was still up, there were a lot of posts asking how men should approach certain issues. One of them was virginity. The general response was; don't bring it up. Don't say anything about it, at all. Admitting to it, especially if you're older then 18, will just make people suspicious. What sort of issues does this guy have? Is he going to be any good? Do I really want to get involved in this?

Keep in mind that these very same people would only give a man two chances at most to prove that they're good in bed.

Another was how to inspire that sense of being the bad boy, without actually being one. All of the women admitted that they weren't nearly as strongly attracted to nice, attentive, men as they were to bad boys; because the nice guys didn't appear to be as self-assured. They flat out admitted that they, and probably most women, would walk over the nice guy. Why? Because they knew the nice guy with the open ear, and shoulder to cry on, would still be there; while they went and chased after the bad boy. One of the things they stressed the most was for men to never try and play the friend card first. Make your intentions known, if she says no, either drop her completely, or push her and any of her interests way on the back burner. If you're interested in her as a friend, then don't bother trying to pursue things further.

These were people who deplored the acts and tactics of PUAs, but freely admitted that they regularly fell for their games.

Consider the hypocrisy with which women approach dating, and men. They want men to be themselves, and want nice guys. Then ditch the nice guy who's being himself, for the 'nice guy' who's being themselves. If nice guys (not 'nice guys') were really that in demand, then one of my friends would have to be beating women off with a stick. As it stands, the only person who's worse at getting a date then him is me. This was the guy who taught me how to change a tire. In one night, in which I could have gotten us both killed, he taught me more practical knowledge then my father has in 22 years. Side question; if women really want men who are comfortable in themselves, then why aren't they all dating nudists?

Finally, look at all of the messages we're being bombarded with. Women like to think they're the only ones being attacked with images and beliefs of how they should look and act, but so are men. How many times have you been up at four in the morning, and seen commercials for Brestenze? Probably never. It wasn't unusual to see infomercials for extenze, though. There are still commercials for enzyte. Basically; "Were you born with a penis that you can't beat a goat to death with? Take this pill, or no woman will ever want to be with you." They even had some fairly attractive women with the host saying how they'd left guys most women would find very attractive because they didn't (literally) measure up.

Then they'd show street interviews. Some women even said they would leave their current mate if they stopped taking them.

And that's just infomercials. There are images of how men need to act constantly being beamed at us in television, movies, and video games. Vin Diesel (and his characters) is considered a very sexy man. A guy who scowls all the time, plays an amoral ass that acts with no real concern for the impact his actions have on the world around him, and generally feels no real guilt.

James Bond, another character considered to be very sexy. Why? He kills people left and right, is terrible at his job, doesn't seem to feel any sense of responsibility, and clearly has no respect for women. Neither of them are what I, or anyone with a working brain, would consider nice guys.

So yeah, with so many things already telling us how our problems in dating are shortcomings that nature per-programed us with, is it really all that hard to see why someone might want to blame someone else for a change?

Besides, not every is the fault of the person doing the blaming. More often then not, it is something on the other end of the equation. Yes, if you cheat on someone, and they leave you, its your fault. If someone won't give you the time of day because you play video games, or you don't look like Vin Diesel, it's their fault.

There's only so much of that rejection a person can stand before they start getting extremely bitter. As it stands, I'm starting to lose a lot of respect for women, and any desire I have to be any sort of a nice person. Honestly, what's the point? People will just walk over you.

 

[Faraja]

Yeah we may finish last but we also finish in the best way.

edit: And you know she love it when you finish last! :O oooooooh! sorry couldnt resist.


nay Im not sorry lmao

You clearly don't know what a cuckold is. Or that 60% of all married people will engage infidelity at some point.

Besides, how long are you honestly willing to wait? My generation's life span is shorter then my parent's generation, and my life span is probably shorter then the norm thanks to my health, bad out look on life, and susceptibility to certain ailments.

Furthermore, how much do you really trust them. If they have a history of running off after bad boys, and then scrambling to find someone to help them get their head out of water, what's to stop them from doing it again? It's not like they have a track record of good romantic choices.

 

[darlarosa]

-snip-

I actually don't have self esteem issues at this point in my life that are anymore than normal. In fact I would say I have a very good outlook. What I don't appreciate is when people come to me and start telling me how I should act like they are superior to me. That is how you come off to me, and that always sets me off. Internet or real life, this is how I act toward people who piss me off. I never get why people just go "it's just some person online", no its some person who is pissing me off, don't care where or how I still get mad. Do not tell me how and why and where I should get angry, particularly if the core of that is why I'm mad.. Nothing invalidates it by virtue of medium. My anger is a vast and open see and I will drown in it when and where I feel appropriate.

Are you just getting all of these things of eharmony? (not sarcastic, legit question)

I disagree...all of my relationships started as friendships. The only guy who turned out to be a jerk presented himself in a completely different light to me, thought of himself as a nice guy but went through women like a pothead through a bag of potato chips. Stayed friends with him and he always demanded to know why women left him, and would publicly call them losers and gold diggers when he was broke an cheated on them in various ways. He is the primary example of a person who does not acknowledge their own flaws and instead tries to place blame on other people. All of the women I know that are in relationships, heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, all started off as friendships. Off the top of my head I can name 7 close female friends who started dating their friends off the top of my head. I am currently in a relationship with my former best friend, who is a very awkward but kind man. So...I do not know any of the kind of women(that I know of) that are supposedly not attracted to "friends". I only know 1 girl who is attracted to a "bad boy" and that is the result of her own inability to desire attainable men, and a desire for someone like her father.

Why are people suspicious of virgins. That is just dumb shit arising from the idea that guys will screw any thing that moves when given the chance. Which is a dumb stereotype. Sexual matters are important in a relationship. But sexual relationships can grow. Sometimes they just won't work out well if for example one half loves receiving oral and the other doesn't. More commonly it's hard to work out sexual relationships if one has a fetish or kink the other simply can't understand. If someone is a sex fiend and their partner just isn't good at it, doesn't want it as much, or can't last(man or woman because women can get very sensitive during) then one or both sides can end up very frustrated. Sex is important, but the level of importance depends on the person. In terms of virginity...people like that are stupid. Virgin or no, so long as the virgin has the general idea of sex whats the issue? It takes practice and that should be the fun part.


You are trying to paint all women with the same brush because all women think an act the same if no one seems actively interested in you. You are bitter, and it is showing. You say you're a nice guy, but are you REALLY? And from that point are you a good consistent significant other? All people tend to think they are nice people in some way, but is that true? It depends on who you ask. That is just the way life is. You keep implying you are interested in women who fit the stereotypes you describe, and that is a personal problem. If you go after the wrong kind of woman who shares none of your important interests, and does not have the personality to tolerate them then you get what you deserve. If you spend 8 hours a day playing wow and are dating a girl who hates mmos and doesn't like most video games, then that's a bad choice. Firstly unless a person is playing with you they will feel neglected regardless of whether they enjoy video games. If you go after the wrong girl you will not have a smooth relationship.

Going to your whole media comment. The media is wrong really, a lot of women don't care about penis size. Most women don't orgasm for penetration anyway so it's a toss up. The media constantly bombards men with the idea "do this and this attractive woman will like you/and or you will have confidence." This besides being irrelevant to my topic, is a known fact. It is not to the degree of women and is done in a way that is distinct from the sociological impacts that happen to women. (fun fact women's self esteem decreases as they age then increases dramatically around the 40s and 50s). Many women and men dislike large penises because they can hurt. Most of those "street women" are actresses they hire, most of the time that is the case excluding on the news and some reality programming. Women have discussed this amongst themselves, men have asked, study after study around the world shows that most women couldn't care less and it varies. It's not the tool it's how you use it. You can google the subject and over an over you will see the same thing. The only person who cares about penis size is those with them, an a few others.

James Bond is a male power fantasy consisting of a cool, moderately attractive(I don't think any of the bonds were attractive), wealthy, secret agent. He kills the baddies, sleeps with the ladies, and drives the dream car. He is always made for the audience to not only live through but feel sympathy for. He kills but he kills the right guys. Do you think most women stop being attracted to their husbands because they become soldiers and kill people? In no way is he designed to be a woman's fantasy. He is not real nor are the women in his movies real for that matter, so his ability to attract women is mute.

 

[rbstewart7263]

Yeah we may finish last but we also finish in the best way.

edit: And you know she love it when you finish last! :O oooooooh! sorry couldnt resist.


nay Im not sorry lmao

You clearly don't know what a cuckold is. Or that 60% of all married people will engage infidelity at some point.

Besides, how long are you honestly willing to wait? My generation's life span is shorter then my parent's generation, and my life span is probably shorter then the norm thanks to my health, bad out look on life, and susceptibility to certain ailments.

Furthermore, how much do you really trust them. If they have a history of running off after bad boys, and then scrambling to find someone to help them get their head out of water, what's to stop them from doing it again? It's not like they have a track record of good romantic choices.

um well I go out on dates and get laid regularly enough so im good. And I can always usually forgive the first time something happens.shrug.

 

[Faraja]

My anger is a vast and open see and I will drown in it when and where I feel appropriate.

Your prerogative. Probably better then taking it out on someone in real life. And yes, I'm very much aware I'm doing the same thing.

Are you just getting all of these things of eharmony? (not sarcastic, legit question)

I've asked women I actually know in person, and they usually give some cookie-cutter answer, that doesn't even answer the question, or avoid it all together. So, yeah, pretty much.

I disagree...all of my relationships started as friendships.

The only people I know who would have, or have, done that were women who were already interested, but were waiting on him to make the first move. One of them started off dating him, then broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together again. They didn't start off as friends. In my case, any female friend I asked out just said no.

You might not have a friend zone, but women around here do, and it's pretty much impossible to get out.

The only guy who turned out to be a jerk presented himself in a completely different light to me, thought of himself as a nice guy but went through women like a pothead through a bag of potato chips. Stayed friends with him and he always demanded to know why women left him, and would publicly call them losers and gold diggers when he was broke an cheated on them in various ways. He is the primary example of a person who does not acknowledge their own flaws and instead tries to place blame on other people.

But he still manages to get dates, so something is working for him.

All of the women I know that are in relationships, heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, all started off as friendships. Off the top of my head I can name 7 close female friends who started dating their friends off the top of my head. I am currently in a relationship with my former best friend, who is a very awkward but kind man. So...I do not know any of the kind of women(that I know of) that are supposedly not attracted to "friends". I only know 1 girl who is attracted to a "bad boy" and that is the result of her own inability to desire attainable men, and a desire for someone like her father.

Every women I know is attracted to the dark, brooding, unpredictable type. I don't know of anyone that has any sort of attraction to an awkward, but kind, person. If you aren't sure of every step you take, every word that comes out of your mouth, every action, and hard for them to predict, you don't stand much of a chance.

Why are people suspicious of virgins. That is just dumb shit arising from the idea that guys will screw any thing that moves when given the chance. Sexual matters are important in a relationship. Sometimes they just won't work out well if for example one half loves receiving oral and the other doesn't. If their partner just isn't good at it, or can't last end up very frustrated. Sex is important, but the level of importance depends on the person. It takes practice and that should be the fun part.

Pretty much answered your own question. No one, even people I know in real life, would be willing to date a virgin. Unless the virgin is female. They don't want to waste time while a person figures things out, and really figures out what they're capable of.

I don't know if its modern culture, or what, but it's not a good a thing to be a male virgin. At least, in my experience.

You are trying to paint all women with the same brush because all women think an act the same if no one seems actively interested in you.

Think the same? Can't say. Act the same? Yeah, pretty much.

You are bitter, and it is showing.

Yeah, I'm a bit bitter. My romantic life has gone from non-existant to just plain bad.

You say you're a nice guy, but are you REALLY?

I try to be. I'll jump through hoops to help people, and I'd like to think I have a good moral compass, but I'm starting to question the point of it. When you see people acting like that getting walked all over, while people who are aggressive, brash get what they want (not just in romance) get what they want, it makes you think being nice isn't worth the trouble.

And from that point are you a good consistent significant other?

As I said in an earlier post, the only women who's gone out with me tried to get me to marry her so she could stay in the country. So, how do I know if I'm a good S/O? I'd like to think I am. I'm a good listener, am fairly romantic, and am generally supportive.

All people tend to think they are nice people in some way, but is that true?

Not really. Most of the people who I know are successful with women admit that they really aren't all that nice. One of them bragged about how he got an ex to cheat on her fiance with him. So, yeah, no, I really don't think admitting it is the issue.

It depends on who you ask. That is just the way life is. You keep implying you are interested in women who fit the stereotypes you describe, and that is a personal problem.

I don't recall ever mentioning what type of woman I was looking for. I was commenting on why it is some people might react the way they do. Yes, most the women I meet have no interest in me, but finding women with similar interests to me is a lot harder then one might think, most that are are already taken. Yes, I've tried on-line dating. So, I kind of have to make do with what I have.

If you go after the wrong kind of woman who shares none of your important interests, and does not have the personality to tolerate them then you get what you deserve.

Like I said, I have to make do with what I have. Most of the time, we have a few interests in common, but we rarely explore anything further.

If you spend 8 hours a day playing wow and are dating a girl who hates mmos and doesn't like most video games, then that's a bad choice.

Most of the women I've met tend to run when they hear the words "video games". Not all, but most. Those that don't tend to become very suspicious. Yes, I should be looking for someone who's into video games, but it seems to be pretty rare for a women to actually be into video games around here.

Firstly unless a person is playing with you they will feel neglected regardless of whether they enjoy video games. If you go after the wrong girl you will not have a smooth relationship.

Some of my friend's girl friends don't mind them playing video games. Some will even sit and wait for them to do a raid.

Going to your whole media comment. The media is wrong really, a lot of women don't care about penis size. Most women don't orgasm for penetration anyway so it's a toss up. The media constantly bombards men with the idea "do this and this attractive woman will like you/and or you will have confidence." This besides being irrelevant to my topic, is a known fact. It is not to the degree of women and is done in a way that is distinct from the sociological impacts that happen to women. (fun fact women's self esteem decreases as they age then increases dramatically around the 40s and 50s). Many women and men dislike large penises because they can hurt.

I'm not saying the media is right or wrong, I was merely pointing out another reason for why people might react the way they do. I do, however, have issue with people saying size isn't important. I have, quite regularly, experienced women voicing one opinion on the subject to one person, then saying the exact opposite to the other.

Most of those "street women" are actresses they hire, most of the time that is the case excluding on the news and some reality programming. Women have discussed this amongst themselves, men have asked, study after study around the world shows that most women couldn't care less and it varies. It's not the tool it's how you use it. You can google the subject and over an over you will see the same thing. The only person who cares about penis size is those with them, an a few others.

I can't say how much validity there is in their actors, but I would like to believe you. The problem is, I've heard consitant conflicting opinions. As someone who can't regularly trust the opinions of the women I know (for aforementioned reasons), I'm not sure what to believe. I have Googled the topic, and there's still no conclusion I can draw.

James Bond is a male power fantasy consisting of a cool, moderately attractive(I don't think any of the bonds were attractive), wealthy, secret agent. He kills the baddies, sleeps with the ladies, and drives the dream car. He is always made for the audience to not only live through but feel sympathy for. He kills but he kills the right guys. Do you think most women stop being attracted to their husbands because they become soldiers and kill people? In no way is he designed to be a woman's fantasy. He is not real nor are the women in his movies real for that matter, so his ability to attract women is mute.

I know that Bond isn't a real person, but I do know that women still find him sexy. Yes, he is a male power fantasy. Except for some of us who are so far removed from that mind set, and can only watch in shock at how much people love him.

No, I don't think that the spouses of soldiers and police officers lose interests in their husbands because they might have killed. Police officers and soldiers, though, actually have a conscious, and suffer from things like PTSD and express remorse for the people they've killed. Sometimes. How many of the waves of infinite baddies did Bond feel sorry for? Was he supposed to? Probably not, but still.

Yes, I'm aware that I'm largely coming from a place of angst here, but this thread seems to be all about releasing steam, and sometimes I need my faith in humanity restored. My apologizes if I offended you or anyone else.

 

[Faraja]

um well I go out on dates and get laid regularly enough so im good. And I can always usually forgive the first time something happens.shrug.

I've had one girlfriend, and three dates in my 22 years on this earth. I have no desire to wait until I'm in my forties for things to actually change.

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Because it's easier to lay fault on someone else than admit it's us. Maybe we pressed too hard, too fast, for something the other person wasn't as keen on, or maybe we didn't strive to communicate more, and it cost us the relationship because the other person wanted something that we never thought to ask. It's painful to take all the blame, and our egos are indeed very fragile things. "Oh, she's just a *****" or "he's just an asshole!" can certainly be true, but ten to one says there's more going on (or not going on) than just that.

 

[rbstewart7263]

Strangely it wasnt till i was broken completely that women started to be attracted to me. it wasnt the intoxicating love that had fallen through but ive had some damn good life experiences so Ill take what I can get.

its like this if i cant be in love on cloud 9 I will be getting some. simple.

 

[Faraja]

Strangely it wasnt till i was broken completely that women started to be attracted to me. it wasnt the intoxicating love that had fallen through but ive had some damn good life experiences so Ill take what I can get.

its like this if i cant be in love on cloud 9 I will be getting some. simple.

That's nice, but a lot of the people, myself included, don't get those chances.