Apologies for the necromancy, but Deja-nazis scare me, so I'll share these quotes with you here.
All of which are by Bill Bailey.
"I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'"
(Commenting on the song 'All These Things I've Done' by The Killers)
"Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric isn't it? Sings "I got soul but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham but I'm not a hamster""
"Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard"
"Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative."
"Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."
"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."
"There's this one celebrity, Rosie O'Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: "I don't know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it's full of terrorists, speaking as a mother." So what is this "speaking as a mother" then? Is that a euphemism for "talking out of my arse"? "Suspending rational thought for a moment"?
As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation.
But speaking as a parent, they're all eight foot tall, they've got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn't sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! Speaking as a mother."
"I'm a vegetarian. I'm not strict; I eat fish, and duck. Well, they're nearly fish, aren't they? They're semi-submerged a lot of the time, they spend a lot of time in the water, they're virtually fish, really. And pigs, cows, sheep, anything that lives near water, I'm not strict. I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically."
BB: Are there any men in?
(no response)
BB: Any women?
Female voices: Yes!
BB: Ah, you see, there's this crisis in masculine identity at the moment.
Women, totally at home with their sexuality. 'I am woman, wo-man, I, wo-MAN.'
Men 'Er.. (awkward expression) Someone else'll shout out, I'll be alright'. Alright, is there any blokes in?
Masculine voices: Yeah!
BB: You see, there's a term that men feel more comfortable with. Bloke, blokey bloke bloke. It's a kind of friendly term. 'Oh, he's a bloke, lovely bloke, nice bloke, blokey bloke. I'm a bloke, you're a bloke, wahey!' It doesn't impose any unnecessary demands on us as men. 'Bloke', that's just basically 'carry stuff, don't get in the way'. 'Man', that's all kinds of other things, isn't it? That's nobility, gallantry, wisdom... that conjures up some image of a bloke in a cardigan with a pipe saying 'Cover up those table legs, mother, they're inflaming my sexual ardour'.
"I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability. And when I buy them, I always ask for them in the third person: "Bill Bailey would like the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability." I did that the other day and it answered me back, and he said to me: "No, I am Bill Bailey. You are not Bill Bailey, you are just a mere doppelgänger. I am the true Bill Bailey, in another dimension." And I went, "Oh, I hadn't planned on that." Then I thought the only way to solve this, I have to run at my doppelgänger, then we will be fused forever. So I ran full-tilt at it, and just before I got there I realised it was the highly polished side of the cheese counter."
Okay, I'm done needlessly dumping quotes now.
As you were.
