Last time, we were recruited by a particularly orange twi'lek Jedi to do his job for him. Unfortunately, said quest is rather long winded and not particularly fun to see in pure screenshot form. Thankfully, the Jedi Council was kind enough to take time out of their busy schedule of eating pies to give us Varen's case report on the investigation. I have edited it to remove some of the insanity and weird fetishes, but be warned, there is still some in there. Without further ado, here it is.
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Dead body in field this morning, blaster burn on scorched back. This planet is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the NPCs and Jedi will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper....
Maybe. Depends on how many credits you give me. My standard adventuring rates are 1000 credits per fetch quest, but if I find a particularly delicous
manner by which to stab you in the back. Figuratively, or literally.
I was recruited by an orange Jedi to investigate the murder. He says I gotta make one of these things, so here we are.
THE VICTIM
Calder Nettic. A regular John Doe. No history. No past, apart from past business deals and sexual activities. Just like any person on this wretched planet filled with lies and sins.
THE SUSPECTS
There are 3 of them. There are always 3.
RICKARD LUSOFF
The biggest asshole in the metaphorical room. Grumpy, arrogant, impatient. All the initial evidence points to him, so, naturally, he is the least suspicous suspect. TV has taught me this. Used to run a business with the victim. Calder screwed him over. Ample motivation. Plus, he has a beard. And, as we all know, all bearded people are evil.
His testimony states that he was hunting out on the plains, when a sun flare momentarily blinded him. When his vision returned, the victim was lying dead on the ground. How convenient.
HANDON GULD
An arrogant, self important prick with very little evidence pointing towards him. Therefore, he is the most likely suspect. His wife was fracking Calder, for some reason, giving him ample motivation for the crime. And as we all no, in a Noire environment, sex is the reason for everything, especially when prime hack Frank Miller is involved.
His testimony involves him going for a jog. He came across the body with Rickard standing over him. Seems to be clutching his side. Winded? Possibly. What a wimp.
BOLOOK
The commissioner. Never rule out the chess master. For all I know, he could be running a big Xanatos gambit right from the very beginning.
CHRONICLE OF EVENTS
The first order of business was deciphering the truth behind these testimonies.
"Rickard is lying."
"He claims he was blinded by sun glare. However, it was cloudy, there was no sun glare."
"Again, Rickard is a lying bastard. He and Calder had a fight over business matters."
"The blaster belongs to Handon. He tried to crack that he reported it stolen, but he was lying through his teeth."
The blood sample belonged not to the Victim. The plot had thickened.
"Shows how much you know, asshole. The blood doesn't belong to the victim."
"Handon's."
"He was limping earlier."
"Wrong again, Orange dude. They're both guilty."
"The simple motivation. The only one that ever matters in this cesspit of a planet. His wife was fracking Calder."
"Wait...what? No! That's not true! That's ridiculous."
"No! We're innocent, Dammit! INNOCENT! NO!"
And so, this tale has come to a swift and silent end. My plan was a complete success. Varen Von BadDoom, out.
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"Hmph. Of course no one else could have done it. Someone else might have found the real killer."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Those two didn't kill him. I did."
"WHAT? That's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOactually, that makes more sense than the Jedi dude's long winded explanation. But why did you kill him?"
"Bastila, I'm me. DO you honestly think I need a reason to kill someone?"
"It amazes me that you're still in this bloody order of intergalactic peacekeepers."
"At least I'm out here, doing things, rather than the Jedi Council's attitude to just stay indoors eating all the pies while the galaxy burns around them."
So, after that detour, it's time to head to our original destination: The Sandral Estate.
...And there's another uppity droid in our way. At least this one isn't a Cylon.
"I'm here to speak to your master, you pathetic hunk of bolts. On authority from the Jedi Council."
i'll just leave this here
"Listen to me, you rusted piece of shit. Let me in, or I will rip your head off, and rewire it into a ticking time bomb, so that you'll forever be cursed to use all of your processing power to stop the bomb from going off, causing you great pain in the process."
"I'm here to investigate the dissaperance of Shen Matale."
"Oh, yeah. Varen spent a considerable time monologuing about how horrible it was."
"Shut up, Bastila."
"Well, I need to search your place regardless. Here's my search warrant."
"...That's just a blank piece of paper."
"Well, shit. Doctor Who lied to me."
Well, if you discount the fact that you're a bunch of egotistical pricks who imply that your word is gospel and that you can never be wrong, yeah, I guess you guys are fair and even handed. Except when your not.
However, just as he leaves, someone else enters.
"Well, no shit, sherlock. I've only spent the last 10 minutes yelling about it to that guy."
"What happened to Casus? Did he disappear?"
"And look at me dancing around the issue la dee daa"
"Tell me what's going on here or I'll hack off your head and feed it to hell's fishes!"
"Quit stalling and get to the point!"
"Hmm. Insane? Illogically Evil? I think I like this guy. But, what happened to Casus?"
A logical question. I've played this game several times, and not once have I found anything that resolves the Casus plotline. Maybe I'm just incompetent, but it just seems like cut content to me.
"Woah, your house has a prison? Hardcore."
This is one of the things that drives people crazy about this game. A lot of the dialogue consists entirely of Star Wars quotes. Honestly, it doesn't bother me in the slightest, it can be rather endearing, and it maintains the great atmosphere. I don't like it here, primarily because this woman spouts the "You're my only hope" thing EVERY TIME YOU TALK TO HER.
"Why do your two families hate each other?"
And you're so poor, with your personal army of Cylons, and a massive mansion.
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"You would think that the vulnerable entry point of this little fortress would be guarded."
"Guarding things is not honorable."
"Nothing is Honorable to you, Zaalbar."
"Honor is honorable."
"(sigh)"
And look! Cylons! This place has better security than the Jedi Enclave. It has mines! Admittedly, placing mines in your own home is one way to drive the value down, but it certainly keeps out the burglars.
Thankfully, we have a Wookiee samurai/sapper on our side who can deal with that sort of thing.
We also find a computer a fair ways in. Unfortunately, we don't have too many Security Spikes, but we can at least download a map of the house.
I'd like to point something out here. On the map, the Holding Cell where Shen Matale is being kept is clearly marked. Nothing else is. That's right, not only did Nurik Sandral build his house with a holding cell, but he actually considered it more important than everything else in his house. I wonder if Nurik is a fan of Dungeon Keeper?
We mow through some Cylons on the way here, getting us a level up, and Stage 1 of one of the most useful (and overpowered) powers in the whole game. Stun/Disable/Destroy Droid is an incredibly accurate, low-cost force power that basically turns every encounter with Droids in the game into a cakewalk. When you get Destroy Droid, enemy Droids might as well just self-terminate as soon as they see you.
We finally reach the holding cell, which is guarded by no Cylons and 1 mine. Good Effort.
"Anyone else tell you you ask too many questions? Now, sit down, and shut up!"
"Ah, I'm just messin with ya. My name is Varen Von BadDoom. I'm here to rescue you."
Oh, Goddammit, Shen. Stop acting like a friggin Romeo wannabee. You know what happened to Romeo? He died. For a vapid idiot of a woman. Get you're act together.
"What if we drag your ball and chain out with us?"
So, we run back over to the other side of the estate.
"Grab your bags, and get your ass moving. We're leaving this dump. It's the only way your idiot of a boyfriend can come with us."
And thus, she ran off, at the speed of light. We grab Shen and run after her.
Uh...Bastila? You're sort of in my way. Goddammit.
"It was nothing. You stroking my ego is fine by me."
"Money always helps."
Oh Shit! It's Ahlan Matale and his duo of Cylons!
Oh, Crap.
"Bastila!"
"Varen!"
"Zaalbar!"
"Scooby!"
"Shaggy!"
"Wrex!"
"Shepard!"
Well...this situation is getting out of hand. However, he are the Wild Card here. We can change the situation however we see fit. There are three things we can do:
LIGHT SIDE - Defuse the conflict, reconciling the differences between the clans.
NEUTRAL - Allow Shen and Rahasia to escape, leaving the two Old Men to stew in their hatred for one another.
DARK SIDE - Attempt to orchestrate a massive slaughter of the two families, leaving nonw alive.
Choose the fate of the galaxy, fellow Escapists! Well, not really the Galaxy. Maybe the fate of the acre of land we're currently standing on. And maybe that field over there. Decide the fate of the field!
