March 6:
Today, typical of any other day as of late, I spent my entire time waiting
faithfully for [Her Name] to log into Messenger. Around 3:00 P.M., right when I had gi-
ven up on her logging on, she did. Our conversation was nothing unique. However,
that conversation was by far the high point of my day. Now, as I am writing this
I find myself contemplating my own life, the choices I've made, the hardships I've
endured, and the opportunities that I allowed to pass me by. I've found that, in spi-
te of it all, I haven't changed much over the years. I may have become more tolerant
of the errant behaviors exhibited by my peers, however, that is merely a change that
society mandated that I make. As far as friendship goes, I have changed ever so slig-
htly over the past few years. I may be more open to social communication as of late,
however, my capacity for trust has dwindled greatly and is now virtually nonexistent.
Not so long ago, I was capable of keeping a single friend; now even the weight of a
single friend is far to taxing. As far as my progress with [Her Name] goes, it is nei-
ther my past or present hardships nor my lack of trust that have stilted my efforts.
It is my own insecurities and personal cowardice that hold me back; and I have no one
to blame for these faults excluding myself. For I am crippled by the fear of the un-
know, and any interaction concerning [Her Name] will always constitute an unknown res-
ponse. I am also bound by my belief that any interference in the lives of others is
wrong on a fundamental level. As a relationship with me would simply impede the prog-
ress of [Her Name]'s life, I find me urging myself to stop my futile efforts; for I ca-
nnot and will not place my own happiness above the happiness of [Her Name]. Honestly, I
do not see why anyone would ever choose to be with me, as I am expendable in every
way; I have nothing to offer anyone that someone else could not. I am far from uni-
que; I am merely an insignificant spec in the vast universe we live in. Regardless o-
f my feelings towards [Her Name], I can not and will not allow her to go through the
torturous ordeal of entering into a personal relationship with me; for I care for her
far too greatly to allow that.
March 8:
Today, I found out that [Her Name] is moving. Graduation is not the actual rea-
son she will be leaving in under a month; she will merely be riding another bus. It
would seem that this is how life goes for some people like me. Life holds that whi-
ch you desperately desire in front of you, only to hastily pull it just outside of
your grasp. Some people were simply made to suffer; and it would appear that I am o-
ne of those people. My life has been one tormentingly long, painstaking, and cruel
string of hard learned lessons. For I have been taught through a series of torturous
odeals, in the same method a dog is trained through the use of a shock collar. Howe-
ver, looking back on all the injustices I have experienced, I can not but be greatf-
ul. For these occurrences have made me the person I am today. Perhaps this sick cos-
mic joke the universe would appear to be playing at the expense of my happiness and
my life has some purpose to it. However, I can state with absolute certainty that
this ordeal will be the hardest I will ever have to overcome; that is if I can over-
come this torture. One thing is certain; I will never let myself forget [Her Name].
April 1:
Today, was [Her Name]'s last day on the bus. It is rather ironic, that the univ-
erse has chosen today, April Fool's Day, to play the most excruciatingly painful joke
humanly or otherwise possible on me...
April 8:
It has been one week since I last spoke to [Her Name]... I find it difficult to
continue on, as I now have virtually nothing to look forward to day after day. The o-
nly thing I can do now is to gaze solemnly into the lifeless void that my very existan-
ce has been reduced to. I suppose it would be best for [Her Name] to simply forget me
and move on, to let me be but a brief cliff-note as it were in the book of her life.
Never the less, I cannot but wonder how events might have transpired given different
circumstances. All I know is that, despite my wish for myself to be but a mere cliff
-note in [Her Name]'s life, I will always know that in my heart she is the dedication
to the epic tale of woe that is to be my life's story.
April 9:
Today is the start of Spring Break... In stark contrast to the optimistic na-
ture of my peers, my "vacation" will serve as nothing but a device to mercilessly to-
rture me as the days drag on. I find myself losing more of what pitiful semblance of
hope I have allowed myself to cling desperately to as each second of my empty exista-
nce passes me by. Now, in the depths of despair, I find that "hope" is, in reality,
the worst of all evils to be released from Pandora's Box. Hope is merely a lie shro-
uded in one's own naivety and unwillingness to accept reality as it is, a lonely, de-
sperate, disconcerting, terrifying, desolate, and all together miserable "place" emb-
elished in its own atrocity. Most people go there entire lives doing all that they c-
an to evade the true nature of the world that surrounds them; I, however, have been
cursed by my having experienced and recognized the true nature of reality, a truth
that will surely haunt me until my dying breath.
April 10:
Another day has passed me by as I have sat idly waiting for that which has s-
eemingly escaped my grasp forever. I have foolishly been trying to tell myself that
[Her Name] is simply too busy to speak to me as of late; however, I cannot shake the
feeling that she is simply attempting to do that which I cannot, to put the events t-
hat have transpired over the past year behind her and to shift her gaze toward the
future. If this is true I have no one to push the blame upon excluding myself, as I
would not want to waste my precious time engaging in pleasantries with a chronic los-
er such as myself. For I know through experience that I am neither worth the effort
nor the trouble to anyone, even to myself. I suppose I should continue to further my
own pathetic attempt to delude myself into believing that something "good" will come
of the relentless punishment that life has dealt me. For if I do not, what do I have
left to live for?
April 24:
Life has progressively worsened over the past several weeks. I find that eac-
h new day, devoid of any discernible hesitance, has seized the opportunity to prove
itself as the worst day of my miserable existence. For every time I convince myself
that things cannot possibly be any worse, life chooses to show me first hand that, i-
ndeed they can. I have failed myself and those around me in every way comprehensible;
recently, I have failed my team-mates, my teacher, and most of all myself at the
Math Competition, as well as at Honors Night. However, most importantly I feel th-
at, somehow, I have even managed to fail in my foolish attempt to prove myself as wo-
rthy of [Her Name]'s affections to myself. If the situation continues to degrade at su-
ch a rapid pace, I believe that, eventually, my life will become unbearably lonely and
miserable; However, from my perspective life is already very near such levels of lo-
neliness and misery. So, at least I don't have very far to fall...
May 8:
Several grueling days have passed since the departure of the Seniors. [Her Name] has responded to neither the CD nor the email. As each day drags on, the notion of
my never seeing her again is given more credence. As of late, I have spent my time
writing and even drawing; it would seem that the longer I am apart from [Her Name], the
more I do to ensure that I will never forget her. Last night I went to [My Friend]'s party.
I feel that the only possible incentive for anyone to invite my anywhere is usually
pity, and it would seem last night was no exception. As per usual, at the party I was
the one person who lacked a belonging with the social group attending. I spent most
of my time at the party simply trying not to get in the way and to remain as unnotic-
ed as humanly possible. While I remained widely unnoticed at the party I gazed out
the window at the stars and contemplated upon the time I have spent with [Her Name] ov-
er the last two years. Ironically, now that I have squandered the time that was once
available to spend with [Her Name], I can see my mistakes dancing around inside of my
mind taunting me with the solutions to situations long since gone. And all the while,
despite my dreary situation I cannot let go of the sliver of hope that, one day, I
may once again see [Her Name]. This, of course, being the same hope that makes me a sl-
ave to my computer, never leaving its side in light of the faint possibility that she
may log on. At the very least, I can take solace in my belief that somewhere in some
parallel universe exists a [My Name] and a [Her Name] that have found happiness together...
May 14:
Yet another week has wrought it's unrelenting punishment and anguish. I can
feel the effects of the turmoil that my empty, miserable life has become weigh me do-
wn increasingly more with the passing of every remaining day of my solemn existence.
I have yet to receive, nor do I have any hope to receive a response from [Her Name].
The only shred of purpose remaining in my "life" is the prospect of achieving some
vague semblance of recognition in my academic career. Nevertheless, I will always
feel as if a part of me is missing without [Her Name] in my life. I find it ironic that,
not long ago, I was unable to fathom the notion of having loved and lost being better
than having never loved at all; however, I can now see the undeniable truth in this
logic, as I would never trade the time I spent with [Her Name] in order to spare myself
the comparatively minimal pain that I must now endure for the remainder of my days.
May 23:
Here I am three days after the final departure of the senior class. The prob-
ability of my ever meeting [Her Name] again now ranges from zero to negligible. I find
myself pondering my purpose in this vast, mysterious universe we live in; upon much
reflection, I find that, at the moment, I can only identify what cannot possibly be
my purpose in life. I am a failure in almost every aspect of my life; I am clearly
not here to serve as anyone's companion along the journey of life. I am far removed
from the intellectuals capable of rendering any assistance in the advancement of sci-
ence. I am merely here, serving no purpose whatsoever, wandering aimlessly down the
path of life, now so with no one to guide me. I have lost the closest thing to love I
will ever experience, and I have no faith that my work will ever yield any contribut-
ions to society.
May 25:
All hope is lost. Today, I finally received a response from [Her Name]. Needle-
ss to say, my final gesture was fruitless. I suppose I saw this coming while it was
still light years away; never the less, the effect is still equally devastating. I be
live this entry will be my last, for I see absolutely no likelihood of my current si-
tuation ever being resolved. I will merely squander the rest of my life wishing thin-
gs were different, waiting for something that will never happen, and going over my m-
istakes again and again every second of every minute of every day.
