The "Yep. I'm definitely going to Hell" moment.
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I have a friend that I am kinda "involved" with (not dating exactly), who's Mom died of Cancer about 4 years back.
When I am hanging around my good friends, we realized we have a completely idiotic sense of humor. So we always end up making jokes that have something to do with friends deceased mother. On accident of course. While she deals with it well, some of the things I realize I say are just absolutely fucking idiotic.
I was describing my Mom's new job and when she teased me about it (jokingly. We have a very mean but relaxed relationship with each other), I ended with "Oh yeah? What has your mom done"
God that was awkward. But yeah. Your story is effed up.
When I am hanging around my good friends, we realized we have a completely idiotic sense of humor. So we always end up making jokes that have something to do with friends deceased mother. On accident of course. While she deals with it well, some of the things I realize I say are just absolutely fucking idiotic.
I was describing my Mom's new job and when she teased me about it (jokingly. We have a very mean but relaxed relationship with each other), I ended with "Oh yeah? What has your mom done"
God that was awkward. But yeah. Your story is effed up.
I was sitting in a courtroom for a family members trial and as the judge started to read off the charges and what the punishments are going to be the other people(prosecutors people?) started laughing. When the judge mentioned "prison" these other people started joking and laughing more. I started staring... nothing more than a stare, and the judge called me out. He took all of my info on the spot. (I wasnt on trial, I was on the third row back.) He then gave ME a restraining order for not only the one person involved but the judge stated "you, nor anyone in your family is to go anywhere near any of the others involved in this case, or their family members. This includes any and all contact, phone, internet, postal. If I even hear rumor of anything then there will be jail time". DAMN! He got it all covered in one clause. (I must have been staring pretty hard)lol
I might be going to hell, but im gonna enjoy the ride. (it was that kind of look)
I might be going to hell, but im gonna enjoy the ride. (it was that kind of look)
No, in Imaginationland.Vault101 said:
Sorry, rude sarcasm is uncalled for.
Yes, in school, I believe in the Charms program.
Thanks for the grief-counseling, folks. I mean, it wasn't the point of the thread, but it helped. So, thanks.
I also remembered that I had another great one. I was in my senior year of high school, in my math class. Now, I'm not a very good math student, I tend to space in and out of the lesson, and when my mind ventures too far, I tend to verbalize something to draw myself back to consciousness. This gets me in trouble a lot.
Now, on this particular day, we were going over our homework in class. And this ginger kid who I don't really like was sitting in the back corner of the room by the teacher's desk. Every time the teacher would ask the answer to a question, this kid would shoot his hand up and answer immediately. This was unexpected, because he's considered a bit of a meathead.
But, of course, he was actually doing really well today (from what I grasped). And the teacher would commend him almost every time with something like "Wow, you're doing great today!" or "Wow, you're really on a roll!". The last time he complimented, the kid jumped out of his chair and said "I'm on FIRE!!!".
And of course, my brain finally chimes in on this one line, and is about to verbalize the statement "Like father, like son!". And then I bite my lip. I bite my lip until it bleeds to keep from saying this just in the nick of time.
Why was it good that I stopped, you ask? His father was a firefighter who had died a "hero" in a high profile fire disaster in the area. He would have fucking hit me on the spot. And I don't think I would have even put my hands up.
Also;
I said to a group of my buddies "How could anyone get depressed talking about the HA-HA-Halocaust? There's even laughter in the name!".
Yep. I'm a bad person.
I also remembered that I had another great one. I was in my senior year of high school, in my math class. Now, I'm not a very good math student, I tend to space in and out of the lesson, and when my mind ventures too far, I tend to verbalize something to draw myself back to consciousness. This gets me in trouble a lot.
Now, on this particular day, we were going over our homework in class. And this ginger kid who I don't really like was sitting in the back corner of the room by the teacher's desk. Every time the teacher would ask the answer to a question, this kid would shoot his hand up and answer immediately. This was unexpected, because he's considered a bit of a meathead.
But, of course, he was actually doing really well today (from what I grasped). And the teacher would commend him almost every time with something like "Wow, you're doing great today!" or "Wow, you're really on a roll!". The last time he complimented, the kid jumped out of his chair and said "I'm on FIRE!!!".
And of course, my brain finally chimes in on this one line, and is about to verbalize the statement "Like father, like son!". And then I bite my lip. I bite my lip until it bleeds to keep from saying this just in the nick of time.
Why was it good that I stopped, you ask? His father was a firefighter who had died a "hero" in a high profile fire disaster in the area. He would have fucking hit me on the spot. And I don't think I would have even put my hands up.
Also;
I said to a group of my buddies "How could anyone get depressed talking about the HA-HA-Halocaust? There's even laughter in the name!".
Yep. I'm a bad person.
Okay, two things,
1-When I was in cadets, I had been told to give a brief speech to the other kids (who were just about to get their learners) on the dangers of speeding. This speech was mostly jokey, because that's how I teach and it ended with 'And if you crash your car over the speed limit, you'll look like a total cock head and still not get to the movie on time' one of the girls burst into tears and ran out. Turned out her brother had just died in a car accident.
then, on black saturday, our unit was only a few ks away from the fires, so we were all in a bit of shock, so I wasn't really thinking straight, so my lesson ended with, alright, i've taught you enough, piss of back to you homes. That same girl ran off crying, turned out she had just lost her house.
THEN, in a lesson about safety with batteries, I made a crack about being on fire and people thinking that you were simply waving hello, same bloody thing and the officer comes by to tell me that the girls uncle was in hospital with severe burns or something.
I was frustrated and so maybe I snapped a little bit, because I said, 'Fuck it, I'm not gonna pussyfoot around every potential little thing because the sound of piss hitting a urinal reminds her of the time she almost drowned!' I did appologise afterwards, but I had gotten some pretty stern warnings about the other two incidents and so was fairly frustrated.
2-I am very good at lying, I don't want to blow my own trumpet but it is true, but when it is something as easy as convincing south africans or yanks to spend weeks at a time with their necks slathered in toothpaste and vegimite to ward off drop bears, well its like kicking a drunk baby.
1-When I was in cadets, I had been told to give a brief speech to the other kids (who were just about to get their learners) on the dangers of speeding. This speech was mostly jokey, because that's how I teach and it ended with 'And if you crash your car over the speed limit, you'll look like a total cock head and still not get to the movie on time' one of the girls burst into tears and ran out. Turned out her brother had just died in a car accident.
then, on black saturday, our unit was only a few ks away from the fires, so we were all in a bit of shock, so I wasn't really thinking straight, so my lesson ended with, alright, i've taught you enough, piss of back to you homes. That same girl ran off crying, turned out she had just lost her house.
THEN, in a lesson about safety with batteries, I made a crack about being on fire and people thinking that you were simply waving hello, same bloody thing and the officer comes by to tell me that the girls uncle was in hospital with severe burns or something.
I was frustrated and so maybe I snapped a little bit, because I said, 'Fuck it, I'm not gonna pussyfoot around every potential little thing because the sound of piss hitting a urinal reminds her of the time she almost drowned!' I did appologise afterwards, but I had gotten some pretty stern warnings about the other two incidents and so was fairly frustrated.
2-I am very good at lying, I don't want to blow my own trumpet but it is true, but when it is something as easy as convincing south africans or yanks to spend weeks at a time with their necks slathered in toothpaste and vegimite to ward off drop bears, well its like kicking a drunk baby.
My roommate once laughed at a commercial about war amp children. They didn't do anything funny, they were just being war amps. Apparently he found it humourous.
I like to tell this story to his friends 'cause I'm a jerk, but he denies it ever happened.
I like to tell this story to his friends 'cause I'm a jerk, but he denies it ever happened.
My entire life is a "yep, I'm going to hell moment" or none of it, depends how you look at it. I'm an atheist, so if any christian religion is right, I'm going to hell. On the other hand, I never really think I'm going to hell, as I don't believe in it. But as I don't believe in religion, the things I think are completely wrong are pretty much limited to murder and rape, and probably tons of other things I can't think of right now.
A russian boy and his father spend their quality time looking for trinkets with a metal detector. Its something they do together, as father and son.
Often times, they will come across sites of old battles, and recover old knives, and military gear.
The last time they went out, the father found an unexploded bomb. While he was trying to dig it up to find out exactly what it was, it went off.
The bomb removed the father's arms at the shoulder, and causes massive scarring on his face and chest, but he survived.
This has to be true...
Because...
In soviet russia, bomb disarms you!
Often times, they will come across sites of old battles, and recover old knives, and military gear.
The last time they went out, the father found an unexploded bomb. While he was trying to dig it up to find out exactly what it was, it went off.
The bomb removed the father's arms at the shoulder, and causes massive scarring on his face and chest, but he survived.
This has to be true...
Because...
In soviet russia, bomb disarms you!
That's just horribly bad luck and bad timing.the clockmaker said:
Also I feel the need to ask...all three incidents were the same girl right? Cause if so, that's pretty much comedy sketch material right there, and I couldn't help but find these stories utterly hilarious.
Umm Mine would be we had a colimbine speaker thing in High school and people where upset and I said acadently outloud can we get this pointless thing over with I dont care if ppl died. >_>
I got alot of glares and shit from ppl
I got alot of glares and shit from ppl
Hahahahaahhahahahaha, oh god, I almost fell of my chair laughing.smaug85 said:
Don't you mean Captain Picard?HassEsser said:
OT: I have numerous of these moments. Mainly because when it goes for jokes, everything is permitted for me. I'll laugh at anything. For example, Jesus jokes. I'm not going to post them because the last time I posted something offensive here I got suspended.
My two friends I hang out with most at uni are black and brown in skin-tone respectively. I recently found out that Eric Clapton called his two main guitars in the seventies "Blackie" and "Brownie". Since I play guitar guess what I've started calling my two best friends...
Seriously, I'm going to get a high-five off the devil if Hell exists.
Seriously, I'm going to get a high-five off the devil if Hell exists.
I have one that combines a semi-Holocaust joke with semi-antisemitism, as well as deeply offending my roommate's boyfriend
I think you should know, for context here...I have a weird kind of speech impediment thing. This basically causes certain words to sound like other words. The one in this case is the word "juice" sounding like "Jews" when I say it.
seeing where this is going?
My friend and I were hanging out and we got hungry. I had some cold pizza in the fridge in my room, with some JUICE in the kitchen. my friend went into the kitchen while I got the pizza. As I walked out of my bedroom, I heard a loud crash from the kitchen.
Without thinking, I yelled out "stop fucking around! get the damn juice so we can shove these fuckers in the oven!"
As I said this, I noticed my roommate's boyfriend coming out of her bedroom. He's Jewish. Ouch...
I think you should know, for context here...I have a weird kind of speech impediment thing. This basically causes certain words to sound like other words. The one in this case is the word "juice" sounding like "Jews" when I say it.
seeing where this is going?
My friend and I were hanging out and we got hungry. I had some cold pizza in the fridge in my room, with some JUICE in the kitchen. my friend went into the kitchen while I got the pizza. As I walked out of my bedroom, I heard a loud crash from the kitchen.
Without thinking, I yelled out "stop fucking around! get the damn juice so we can shove these fuckers in the oven!"
As I said this, I noticed my roommate's boyfriend coming out of her bedroom. He's Jewish. Ouch...
wow she's a fucking disaster magnet. I can't really fault you for this, it's just her immense bad luck that her family keeps getting fucked up.the clockmaker said:
