UPDATED!!!! Is she being selfish to want a baby??

[Sven und EIN HUND]

Not telling him about it is pretty deceitful in this scenario... It seems like he would definitely be supportive in any case but the pressure of this could still fuck him up. My honest opinion is that they should definitely wait a few years at the very least, 20ish is no age to raise a child. Mind you my mother gave birth to me when she was 17 and we're more than capable financially right now... But the same couldn't be said about my childhood.

 

[Taxicab Samurai]

Tell the dude, before it's too late.

Chances are the baby jokes didn't phase him because he thought she's on the pill, trust me, he doesn't want a kid right now and having one would most likely impoverish them beyond rational thinking.

 

[kikon9]

She is tossing his future away so she can get what she wants, and after giving her a reason why they should not and she still continues to attempt to get pregnant.

So she is lying and destroying his future so she can have a baby? Yaaaaah I have a feeling this will not end well.

This, shes being selfish as hell, not to mention the kids future as well. I dont know what to do, your going to lose either way, either you watch his future go down the drain, or you could lose your friend by telling him. Glad im not in your shoes.

*sigh* thats exactly my problem. I've already yelled at her for putting me in this situation, but she isnt listening to me. She's considered the outcomes of what she's doing (and yes, many of the arguments in this thread did come up) but she's decided that the feelings she's having out way the problems. She trusts that he'll stay with her because thats the type of lad he is (sadly he WOULD do anything, including make himself miserable for her), and also says that as much as she loves him, she's willing to accept if he chooses to leave her or be a long distance dad.

*head slams on the desk* im tempted to try forgetting about both of them. I dont talk much to him anyway now as im often busy, i see my mate at college so thats difference, he'd not notice the difference... but i dont want to be in this situation

If he takes this the wrong way, he could decide to take this up in a court of law. If you don't want to get involved in that as an accomplice, you should tell him regardless. She sounds like a manipulative person, and it's just evil to do that to somebody who sounds like such a nice guy.

 

[sabercrusader]

I'm going to go with most of the people on this thread and say that she should tell him, and if she refuses, tell him yourself. I'm 15 and I can tell that the relationship would be most likly be ruined if he got her knocked up while thinking that she was on a pill.

 

[Android2137]

...Considering how the guy states that he doesn't mind having kids so long as it comes after graduating and finding a nice and stable full time job, I have to say that yes that girl's being selfish. At the moment, he seems more level-headed than she is. We women are always saying that when it comes to sex, the man should be considerate enough to wait until the woman is ready (and vice versa of course). Likewise, we women should be considerate enough to hold off on childbearing until the man feels he's ready (at least as much as we are capable of. Accidents do happen.).

If she is off the pill and hasn't told him, try convince her to get back on it and wait until he's graduated and got that job. If that doesn't work, it's up to you to tell him.

 

[Emissary Laito]

He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant...

Just thought I'd say this.
There's a chance he may not find out she lied until much later.

Contraceptives aren't always 100% effective, so he may be led to believe that the pill simply didn't work on that occasion.
Now, imagine them continuing that relationship with her having lied about something so major and with him not knowing about it.

With that set-up, the relationship will probably end at a later date.
I don't see it surviving such a major lie in the long run.
Now, it may be that the child is old enough to remember the break-up at that time.
And to me, that's a really sad prospect.

I'd say ask her to tell him, then if she refuses, tell him yourself.

 

[Hashime]

I would say yes. She should establish some kind of career before starting a family so that she can support the child. Being married is also much better from a legal standpoint. That way if the partner leaves she can get more financial help, or if she is unfit to parent for some reason, the father can more easily take custody of the child.

 

[JUMBO PALACE]

Too early and she's a ***** for not telling him. That's completely selfish for her to do something he obviously does not want just because she desires it. She's got plenty of time to become a mother. If she can't wait for him to be ready too then just leave now, because having a child will only strain the relationship and perhaps even prevent him from completing college and getting a job.

 

[JoeThree]

She's a terrible person for doing this and you should tell him. She's making a decision that will effect them both, and that's crap. Tell her that if she wants to take this sort of risk, then the honorable thing to do is sign some sort of contract with the guy stating he has no paternal obligations.

 

[PinochetIsMyBro]

She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Here is my dilemma...

What dilemma? He obviously doesn't care all too much about having a kid if he's doing that. Sleeping with her even when she flat out states "I could have a kid/not protected atm/etc" says plenty about it.

The only real issue here is whether or not you want to break her trust in you. I say go ahead, she sounds selfish.

 

[helldragonX]

OK, first thing. 9 months is NOT long enough to make a decision like this. Personally I feel that you should date someone for at least a year and a half or better yet two. Because if you can not stay together for this long at least you do not need to have a child.

Now, Number two. Yes she is being selfish. It isn't a decision that she should make on her own. She is not the only person this is going to affect. She needs to talk to him about it first and explain how badly she wants a child. If he has good reasons for wanting to wait(which it sounds like he does) then she should respect that. He needs to know, but you shouldn't be the one to tell him. That could ruin your friendship with her and their relationship. You need to convince her to tell/talk to him. That will strengthen the relationship in the long run.

I have more to say but I can't think of the right words right now. Maybe I'll be back later.

 

[Callate]

Personally, I wasn't ready to have a child when I was 19. Or 20. Not emotionally, not financially, not in terms of maturity. And I knew it. So I was fairly careful not to.

I don't know your mate's "plan", how she thinks she has it "all planned out" that having this baby will work just fine. I find myself rather doubting that she has it as worked out as she thinks. Even when both parents completely want to have a child, it still hits like an atomic bomb and nothing is ever the same after. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than I ever thought I'd love another human being, but it made for some huge changes in my life. Not to mention a whole new set of nightmares and a near-constant nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm doing it wrong. (Literal nightmares, that is. If you have terrifying dreams of falling, prepare to have much worse dreams about your child falling.)

But... Not telling her lover that she's trying to get pregnant is both morally wrong and an incredibly bad idea. It's like telling your best friend that you want to show them an awesome view at the top of a building and not mentioning until they reach the top and the roof door is locked behind them that, oh, by the way, they're going to have to walk a high wire up there with no net.

I understand that you feel you can't tell him. And you're right if you suspect that if he hears it from you, he's probably going to feel incredibly betrayed- perhaps even to the point of ending their relationship, and even severing one or both friendships. But you're also going to have a huge, guilty secret hanging over your head if she does get pregnant and it causes them hardship in the future. In short, you've been put in an awful place.

I would plead with your mate to tell her lover that she wants to get pregnant, and urge that they have to work this out between them and decide whether to wait (a few years and a little more financial stability could make this seem a much better idea) or go for it now. I'd ask why she thinks this can't wait until they (and especially he) feel more secure. And to put it bluntly, I'd ask how she'd feel about raising their child without him. If she thinks telling him that she's trying to get pregnant could hurt their relationship, she's being incredibly naive to assume that actually getting pregnant either won't or will make their relationship better.

Which does raise another question in my mind- is getting pregnant really about having a baby for her? Or is she actually afraid of being abandoned and thinks that having a child with a man will make him more committed to staying with her?

In any case, her current course of action is unsupportable. You need to let her know- either so you can change her mind, or so you can make it clear that you're washing your hands of the situation if she continues.

 

[duchaked]

uhhh too early

and it really should be mutual

 

[Canid117]

But many pills are actually spermacide AKA they kill the sperm as they come in

Hahaha NO.

So you are saying that we should assume that every woman who comes along is an axe crazy ***** who is immediately trying to trap you by tricking you into knocking her up?

I'm saying that if you personally don't want children, then YOU PERSONALLY are responsible for making sure that doesn't happen. It boggles my mind that people don't understand that this applies to men as well as women.

Kelthurin - I don't use that word. It's misogynistic.

Nice work editing what I said in that first quote. It really reveals a volume about your level of integrity.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/birth-control-pill-4228.htm

Apparently the spermicide pills have been dropped but they were mentioned in my seventh grade health class oh so long ago. The second method I mentioned is still in effect however and once again birth control pills are not permanent.

The fact is that these two individuals trusted each other and she broke that trust? You don't stop using a condom unless you are A) Stupid or B) have sat down and decided with your partner that the pill is enough and that you trust one another enough to not use a condom. He and his girlfriend had decided to use the pill and she decided to stop taking them without informing him. That is the issue we are discussing here. He may even use condoms for all we know as the information is not provided in the OP. If he is using condoms and she is willing to lie about her birth control then she is almost certainly willing to sabotage his condoms which is piss easy seeing as how they live together. All you need is a needle and some alone time with his stash. Once again her betrayal of trust is what we are discussing here not which type of birth control is superior.

 

[Godhead]

Get her to tell her boyfriend and if that doesn't work. Tell him straight up. If he truly wants to have a baby with her and she wants to do the same with him. Both of them should try and get full time jobs, wait for a few years then talk about it then. If she follows through with this plan successfully, I am almost certain that they will both have a miserable life for a decent while, or the man just straight on walking out on her.

 

[Tsaba]

first:
pills and condoms aren't 100%
second:
It's natural for her to want a child
third:
people are often afraid of uncertainty
last:
if she wants a child and he doesn't, they shouldn't be sleeping together, it's that simple, keep it in the pants.

 

[UnmotivatedSlacker]

Hoo doggy...here's a piece of perspective from a guy who's been in a similar situation (gee, how many of th...never mind.)

Anyway, back in '01 I was in a bad relationship with a nutty girl. Major self-esteem issues, really. And she didn't want me to leave her. So she thought it would be a good idea to go off her birth control and not inform me of this fact.

Well, sure enough, frequent sex + the gods' intended result of same meant that she was pregnant the very first month. What she didn't count on was that she had a guy in her life who, well...didn't take too kindly to that. And by "didn't take too kindly" I mean I said and did some things that I probably should've been arrested for and locked up for domestic violence.

Anyway, long story short, after some "convincing" she ended up at Planned Parenthood, I wouldn't give her the time of day afterward, and I've become, well...less trusting these days.

So you were fucking her without a condom, and when she got pregnant you hit her and bullied her into having an abortion.

But, you know, she's the monster.

Nice.

I love how you keep ignoring the fact that in the OP's and SimuLord's post the woman chose to purposely be deceitful in a scheme to get pregnant. The woman was in the wrong no matter how you look at it. You're either a troll or a fine example of why feminists don't have a great reputation.

 

[captain underpants]

Well, this is coming from a 41yo father of three, so make of it what you will.

My mate is 19, same as me though will be turning 20 in December. She is in a long term relationship with a great guy, they've been together for 9months now and he's just turned 20 this month.
She came to me confused as she's decided she wants a baby and knew that i do also so thought i could help.

Pardon my bluntness, but she doesn't really know what she wants. What she's feeling I suspect is more natural hormones. Is nine months really long enough to know if you want to make that kind of lifelong commitment to someone? Does she have any idea what rasing a child involves?

Here's the thing. A child will completely, irrevokably change life as you know it, and it starts a few months before it's even born. Nothing can prepare you for it, but a bit more time being sure about each other can really ease the burden. There's no hurry. We're not experiencing any sort of population crisis. Take your time. Be sure. I mean, be sure, and then wait another year or two just to be really sure.

Her partner is willing for kids as is mine, but, like mine, he wants to finish his Uni course and get a full time job. He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant, but scared at what it could do to them. She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Maybe they need to start taking it a bit more seriously.

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course.

That's certainly one way to avoid making a decision, without really avoiding it.

He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it.

You're all obviously free to do as you will, but chances are this course will lead to a doomed relationship, possibly including single parenthood. Given the choice, having him leave her without a kid would be preferable to him leaving her with one. If she's worried about him rejecting her, why is she even considering having a child with him?

I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Ive decided to ask you all this as i know there are adults and probably broody teens on here who can tell me what i should do, or at least persuade her she's being unreasonable and unfair to him at this time. Or maybe im just paranoid =/

EDIT: Failed to mention they're living together also in a 2 bed flat.

Well, since you asked...

I'd advise your friend that she at the very least needs to explain to her partner whats going on. Sounds like he might even agree to having one, ill advised as that may be.

Secondly, maybe advise patience. At least waiting until they can afford one isn't too much to ask.

Third, don't mention any of this to her partner. She should do that.

 

[The Heik]

*sigh*... My mate has just left, and im at a loss of what to say or do now so i'll ask you guys.

My mate is 19, same as me though will be turning 20 in December. She is in a long term relationship with a great guy, they've been together for 9months now and he's just turned 20 this month.
She came to me confused as she's decided she wants a baby and knew that i do also so thought i could help. Her partner is willing for kids as is mine, but, like mine, he wants to finish his Uni course and get a full time job. He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant, but scared at what it could do to them. She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Here is my dilemma...

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course. He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it. I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Ive decided to ask you all this as i know there are adults and probably broody teens on here who can tell me what i should do, or at least persuade her she's being unreasonable and unfair to him at this time. Or maybe im just paranoid =/

EDIT: Failed to mention they're living together also in a 2 bed flat.

as far as this goes , I'd say she is doing a very evil thing. He's being resonable, saying that he's willing to have a kid once he's ready ot properly support it, yetshe wants to have thr kid now. Does she understand that by secretly trying to get pregnant, that she is not only trying to ruins his dream, but possibly cause harm to the baby should it come around before the appropriate time. Imagine this: you come home only to find that your spouse has bought pet that requires your full attention day in and day out, but costs tens of thousands of dollars every year to keep healthy and happy. Not only does that mean that any immeadiate financial plans are flushed down the toilet, but any dreams that you had might be blown out the window too. So you're possibly screwed; so you are angry, and that anger might eventually become directed at that pet, despite it never trying to hurt you. Pretty bad huh?

Tell your mate that if really loves her boyfriend, then she won't put all their dreams and aspirations at risk just so she can have a a kid a few years early.

 

[Keltrick]

Call me crazy but I dont buy the "her life, her choice bit. A child is something TWO people embark on, and if he has expressed that he isn't ready, it's not her place to TRICK him into having a child.

You're forcing someone to be a parent, who feels they are not in the situation where they could be the best at it. That is selfish. A child is the biggest step, in my mind, a couple can make. I don't think that means it's acceptable for only one half of the relationship to make the decision.

EDIT: My point is, either persuade her so you are confident beyond a shadow of a DOUBT she wont try this ... or tell him. Her secret is NOT worth his future. You'd do far much worse by keeping it, if this actually happened.