what is the greatest joke you have ever heard?

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Apr 24, 2008
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Jon Etheridge said:
One of my favorites is:

Question: How many kittens does it take to clog a pool filter?

Answer: (with a crazy look in your eye) Six.

I love dark humor. :)
Ok. How many babies does it take to paint a house?...depends how hard you throw 'em.

A personal fave, stupid as it is...Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?...he's married.
 

clank1013

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May 21, 2009
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You never run out of things that can go wrong.

Murphy's Military Laws

-Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
-No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
-Friendly fire ain't.
-The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
-The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
-The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
-The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
-Incoming fire has the right of way.
-If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
-The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
-If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
-The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
-The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
-There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
-Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
-If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.





A B-52'c carpet bombing is 100% accurate, its guaranteed to hit the ground!

Tracers work both ways

Try not to look important, the enemy might be low on ammo

There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, and a lot of bitching."


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

__________________________________

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!!!!
 

Nemu

In my hand I hold a key...
Oct 14, 2009
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What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey ya'll, watch this!
 

silasbufu

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Aug 5, 2009
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a bear and a rabbit are in the woods. The bear is taking a shit. After he finishes he looks at the rabbit and says : "hey rabbit, doesn't it bother you when you take a shit and some of it gets stuck on your fur?" . "No" , the rabbit says. So the bear picks the rabbit up and whipes his ass with it.

Why can't you ever borrow money from a dwarf?
Because he's always a little short.
 

lenin_117

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Nov 16, 2008
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chiggerwood said:
There are three men walking through the forest, when they stumble upon a magical stump. The stump says to them "Jump over me and call out what you wish to be, and that is what you will become."

So the first man jumps over the stump and calls out "EAGLE!!!" then POOF! he becomes an eagle.

The second man being smarter than the first, jumps over the stump and calls out "A TRILLIONARE" then POOF! he has a trillion dollars in his bank account.

So the third man is really excited, so he starts running, and when he gets close to the stump he JUMPS, but he hits his foot on the stump and falls, and while he's falling he yells out "SHIIIIIIIIT!!"
Im not sure that the second guy was smarter. Money is easy to get. I woulda called immortality but the ability to fly must also be pretty cool.
 

Icedshot

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Jul 13, 2009
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QuirkyTambourine said:
Eb Gb and Bb walk into a bar, trying to order a drink. The bartender shouts at them and immediately tosses them out of the bar. "Why'd you kick us out?" They ask

The bartender responds "We don't serve minors"
would be funny if it wasnt wrong
im almost ashamed for knowing that :p
 

kotorfan04

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Aug 7, 2009
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Well I saw a particularly funny eBay ad that I will relate to you...

For sale: One French rifle circa 1940, great condition! Has never been fired, but dropped once.
 

Ultress

Volcano Girl
Feb 5, 2009
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Heard from a stand up guy but I thought it was dang funny: I ask my Wife how she can watch Food network all day and still be a terrible cook. She looks at me and says you watch Porn all day.
 

QuirkyTambourine

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Jul 26, 2009
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Icedshot said:
QuirkyTambourine said:
Eb Gb and Bb walk into a bar, trying to order a drink. The bartender shouts at them and immediately tosses them out of the bar. "Why'd you kick us out?" They ask

The bartender responds "We don't serve minors"
would be funny if it wasnt wrong
im almost ashamed for knowing that :p
It's not wrong, think of the triad
 

bcponpcp27

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Jan 9, 2009
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There were a group of foreign exchange students visiting Scotland. One night, they decided to go to a really authentic Scottish bar. There was just one man in there, sitting in a corner. The group of student went over to talk to him to ask him about the surrounding area. He starts by saying

"you see that field over there? I cleared that field with my own two hands and the sweat of mi brow, but they don't call me McGregor the field plower.

You see that fence over there? I built that fence with my own two hands and the sweat of mi brow, but they don't call me McGregor the fence builder.

You see that road over there? I paved that road with my own two hands and the sweat of mi brow, but they don't call me McGregor the road paver

...but you fuck one goat!"
 

chefassassin2

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Jan 2, 2009
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"I Can't Believe it's Not Butter tastes exactly like butter!" I just about shot Diet Pepsi out my nose when I heard that one!
 

GoldenCondor

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May 6, 2009
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cartzo said:
i'd tell you, but someone would report me.
You were either going to say "women's rights" or "religion", I bet you that.

The greatest joke I've heard is a Mitch Hedberg quote:

'I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."'
 

arc101

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May 24, 2009
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I would tell you it, but you would end up dying.
*see monty python's 'and now for something completely different*



also, Mein hund hat keine nase?